I'm an ESTJ, and Lu's an ENFP. This either sounds like gibberish, or you know where this post is going.
Where a person falls on each of these four dichotomies makes up his or her overall personality type. Although Lu and I are both extroverts, we fall on opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to the other three indicators. Remember in my last post when I talked about how great we complement each other? Let's just say that we didn't learn to appreciate our differences overnight.
Enter the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). High school counselors often administer this test to high school students to figure out what career path they should pursue. Corporations may also require employees to take this test to gauge how nicely they'll play with others, possibly under the guise of "team-building."
Husband and wife authors, Paul and Barbara Tieger decided that the MBTI could also be a helpful tool in relationships. In their book, Just Your Type: Create the Relationship You've Always Wanted Based on the Secrets of Personality Type, the authors discuss the 16 personality types in detail as well as the 136 possible relationship combinations.
Husband and wife authors, Paul and Barbara Tieger decided that the MBTI could also be a helpful tool in relationships. In their book, Just Your Type: Create the Relationship You've Always Wanted Based on the Secrets of Personality Type, the authors discuss the 16 personality types in detail as well as the 136 possible relationship combinations.
According to the MBTI, each person has a particular type based on how he or she focuses energy (Extravert vs. Introvert), gathers information (Sensing vs. Intuition), handles decisions (Thinking vs. Feeling), and makes lifestyle choices (Judging or Perceiving). See the chart below for a very brief description of each:
Image courtesy of www.16-personality-types.com.
Where a person falls on each of these four dichotomies makes up his or her overall personality type. Although Lu and I are both extroverts, we fall on opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to the other three indicators. Remember in my last post when I talked about how great we complement each other? Let's just say that we didn't learn to appreciate our differences overnight.
After about a year of dating, about seven months into our official relationship, Lu and I started to bicker... constantly. They weren't full-blown arguments, more like little annoyances. Until that point, we'd gotten along great, and it was disheartening to realize that maybe our relationship wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. We seemed so aligned about the big issues, and we didn't want to let the small stuff pull us apart.
When we tried to express our concerns, the other person never could understand what exactly was the problem. Both of us thought the other was inconsiderate when that really wasn't the case. Some common gripes included:
When we tried to express our concerns, the other person never could understand what exactly was the problem. Both of us thought the other was inconsiderate when that really wasn't the case. Some common gripes included:
Him: "She's too blunt and doesn't realize how harsh she can come off sometimes."
Me: "He's always 15 minutes later than he said he'd be. Doesn't he realize how rude that is?!"
Him: "She's so rigid. She always wants to plan everything and gets too caught up on details."
Me: "He never just comes out and says what he's thinking. He's too worried about everyone else's feelings."
Him: "She's so rigid. She always wants to plan everything and gets too caught up on details."
Me: "He never just comes out and says what he's thinking. He's too worried about everyone else's feelings."
One day, I was cleaning out my filing cabinet when I came across my personality profile and had an "Aha!" moment. My ESTJ type (the Supervisor/Administrator -- ex. Hilary Clinton) is confident, analytical, organized, and practical... which can come across as rigid, blunt, and critical. Hmm, that sounded a lot like what Lu was complaining about.
Out of curiosity, I asked him to figure out his type, and he turned out to be an ENFP (the Champion/Advocate -- ex. Barack Obama). ENFPs are enthusiastic, spontaneous, warm, and innovative... as well as idealistic, easily bored, and too invested in what others think of them.
Now we were getting somewhere. Our inability to understand each other wasn't a matter of how much we cared, it was where we fell on the spectrum and our views of the world.
Out of curiosity, I asked him to figure out his type, and he turned out to be an ENFP (the Champion/Advocate -- ex. Barack Obama). ENFPs are enthusiastic, spontaneous, warm, and innovative... as well as idealistic, easily bored, and too invested in what others think of them.
Now we were getting somewhere. Our inability to understand each other wasn't a matter of how much we cared, it was where we fell on the spectrum and our views of the world.
The Tiegers' book was great in helping us figure out our own individual strengths and weaknesses, as well as the strengths and weaknesses in our relationship. The book helped us understand where the other person was coming from and made suggestions about things to do and say to encourage an environment of appreciation and respect.
In addition, it was much more informative than those books that discuss communication from a gendered perspective. While men and women are socialized differently, I never totally fit the female stereotype. They had some good points but never exactly got it right, and sometimes they weren't even close.
Just Your Type hit the nail on the head. Lu and I felt like the Tiegers had somehow been spying on us. Their insights on both the positive and more trying aspects of our relationship were almost scarily accurate. This book is also great for dissecting other non-romantic relationships in your life -- parents, family, friends, co-workers.
My only gripe is that, with all of the various combinations, each was only given about a page or so of discussion. It's a great reference, but it doesn't really get too in depth about exactly what to do. Lu and I used the book as a starting point for discussion, but some readers may feel unsatisfied.
In addition, it was much more informative than those books that discuss communication from a gendered perspective. While men and women are socialized differently, I never totally fit the female stereotype. They had some good points but never exactly got it right, and sometimes they weren't even close.
Just Your Type hit the nail on the head. Lu and I felt like the Tiegers had somehow been spying on us. Their insights on both the positive and more trying aspects of our relationship were almost scarily accurate. This book is also great for dissecting other non-romantic relationships in your life -- parents, family, friends, co-workers.
My only gripe is that, with all of the various combinations, each was only given about a page or so of discussion. It's a great reference, but it doesn't really get too in depth about exactly what to do. Lu and I used the book as a starting point for discussion, but some readers may feel unsatisfied.
If you're interested in your own personality type, try taking this quiz: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp.
