** I've added a few questions since this was originally posted. If you have more, keep 'em coming!**

I know I promised these on Monday, but two days late isn't that bad. Right?

Here are all of the marriage questions that I received -- Facebook, email, and blog:

Q: Did you fully love yourself before you were married, or is it still a work in progress?

A: GREAT question! I did fully love myself; but maybe a bit too much (lol) because sometimes it can be difficult to be selfless and open-minded when you have to share everything with someone else. It's definitely a process going from "I" to "we," but it's so worth the journey!

Q: Do you think you would have been content with your life if you never got married?

A: I think that if I never met the right person, then I would have been content. Knowing in my heart that God put Lu in my life (even if the timing, our ages, bank accounts, education, etc. weren't "right"), I would not have been content if I'd let our opportunity to spend our lives together slip away.

Q: What happened to those books you used to read before you got engaged? Have you stopped?

A: Nope! The books just get longer after you get married. :-) On top of that we were also busy with the wedding, moving in together, finishing up the semester for school, etc. We are actually reading two books at once right now -- a daily devotional and Starting Your Marriage Right. I'll post reviews when we finish those.

Q: Do you wish you'd had a longer engagement?

A: Another month or two max would've been okay, but I think a long engagement would've driven me crazy. I would have second-guessed everything, and I wouldn't have been happy with the final outcome. Besides, I think that an engagement should be a transition phase, not the end goal. Six months was a bit short. Eight months to a year would've been fun -- throw in a few extra celebrations. Eighteen months would've have been the absolute limit for me, and even now I can't imagine what I would've done if I'd three times as long to plan.

Q: Was being celibate worth it?!

A: Oh, yeah. We're so comfortable with each other, and it's a truly intimate experience. Besides, I think we're making up for lost time pretty well. ;-)

Q: Were you all able to do everything for under 15-20K?

A: The total cost for our wedding (ceremony and reception) was right at $14,500. Looking at additional costs, the rehearsal dinner was $1000, the VIP booths at the lounge where we had our after party were $500, and our honeymoon comes in at just under $5000.

However, my parents gave us some money, Lu's parents paid for the rehearsal dinner (and hosted a second reception for us), and we had family members gift us things: the cake, church, ceremony decorations, and our transportation. Also, the cash gifts we got from the wedding are covering a large chunk of our honeymoon.

In the end, Lu and I paid about $13,000 of the $21,000 total.

Q: How does your actual marriage match up to the expectations you had for it?

A: We definitely expected our marriage to be fun, so that part lived up to what we thought it'd be. We still go out, spend evenings studying in the coffee shop, cook together, laugh and goof around, etc. However, every counselor, book, married family member/friend told us that the first few years of marriage would be full of stumbling blocks, disagreements, and even doubt as we learn to adapt to each other and develop our "marriage style." Even though we knew to expect some bumps, it's still weird when they happen. It hasn't even been two months yet, and I think we've gotten much better at handling things (based on the fact that problems seem to come up less often). Although there will be more adjustments when we get jobs, move, and have kids, I definitely think we're establishing good habits now to face the real issues later.

Q: Do you "feel" married?

A: Sometimes... I think. It's weird because they way that we spend time in our marriage is generally the same way we spent it while we were dating. However, we now share our finances, I have a new last name, and people treat us as more of a unit. There's also this peace that comes with knowing that you have someone there to support you through the stages of life.

Q: Were you really ready to give up other men forever?!

A: Yes! Based on my own experiences and living vicariously through my friends, dating is confusing, frustrating, and disappointing. A good man is hard to find. Finding a good man who wants to be in a relationship is rare. Finding a good man, who wants to be in a relationship and is a perfect fit for you is like finding a needle in a haystack!

Do I still think other guys are attractive? Yes. Do I wish I could still do random things with my single friends like speed dating or trying to catch the bouquet at a wedding? Yes. Do these things match up to my desire to be with Lu? Not. Even. Close.

As the familiar jingle proclaims, "You'll love David's Bridallll!"

With over 300 locations nationwide and one-third of brides (about 750,000 women each year) purchasing their gowns from David's, you'd think this would be true. Well, not so much.

In fact Denise and Alan Fields, co-authors of Bridal Bargains: Secrets to Throwing a Fantastic Wedding on a Realistic Budget, dedicate an entire chapter of their book to why they do not recommend the chain. According to the Fields', "We can't recommend any of our readers give David's their hard-earned money. We expect a market leader like David's to set an example for other bridal retailers when it comes to customer service and satisfaction... instead, the chain sets new lows for the industry."

Ouch.

I've gotten a lot of great tips from Bridal Bargains, so I totally crossed David's off of my list of wedding gown retailers to visit. That is, until I heard the familiar jingle followed by four magic words, "It's the $99 sale!"

The Fields' warned that the $99 sale is one of David's scams to lure you in to the store, but with a location less than a mile from my condo, there was no harm in seeing what they had to offer. Right?

To make a long story short, I called up Ms. N to meet me at David's to check out the $99 sale. About an hour later, I walked out with my wedding dress.... A month later, not totally convinced that my dress was "the" dress, I called Ms. L to meet me at David's (for another $99 sale) and left with a dress that I absolutely love!

Two trips to David's Bridal, and I spent $200 + tax on two gorgeous dresses that initially cost $750 each.


To match up my experiences with the David's Bridal gripes listed in Bridal Bargains:

1) Spam, spam, spam!: Yes, you do have to "register" with David's Bridal. They will email you every day and pass out your information to other vendors.... Unless you tell them to keep your information confidential and unsubscribe from their email list. I did both, and I'm spam-less.

2) Trashed gowns: David's bridal used to be totally off-the-rack. However, given the damage and make-up stains on some of the dresses, you can now special order your dress. The problem is that they have a reputation for getting orders wrong. Since it can take 2-3 months to get in a dress, you want it to be right!.... I found a dress off-the-rack in my size with a few tiny stains, and I asked them to clean it for me. They did so with no problem.

3) Service, or lack thereof: I had outstanding service at David's. However, I came in with a mission: "I only want to see $99 dresses. Here's my checklist. What can you offer me?"

I admit that I was prepared for attitudes. When I'd visited other boutiques and told them I didn't want to spend over $1000, I noticed the level of treatment drop exponentially. With David's Bridal already having a bad rep for service, I was ready for the worst.

Instead, I got a great consultant who showed me several gowns. I didn't stick to my $99-only rule, and I ended up wavering between a gown that was $99 and one that was $600. Despite her commission, the consultant told me that the $99 gown was more flattering.

With that being said, service may be place and/or time dependent. I went to a store in Ann Arbor in the early-afternoon on a weekday in May. Try going on the Saturday right after New Year's Eve (ahh, the good ol' NYE proposals) in a big city, and you might have a problem.

4) Ethics: The book claims that the $99 sale is a scam to lure people into the store. In actuality (supposedly), David's Bridal only has a few gowns for $99 in terrible condition and in odd sizes. Once they get you in there, they'll try to steer you to the most expensive gown, toss in a few hundred dollars worth of accessories, and rip you off on shoddy over-priced alterations.... As I stated above, I found -- not one -- but two gorgeous dresses at the $99 sale. As far as alterations, I only need my dress hemmed and will be that done somewhere else.

To be fair to the authors, I can see where they're coming from. The opinions in their book are largely based on personal research and emails from brides and brides-to-be. Like most reviews, people only comment if they've had a terrific experience or a horrible one.

David's Bridal isn't going to bring out the champagne for you. If a bride has a so-so or even a really good experience, then you're probably not going to hear about it. On the other hand, if a store screws up someone's wedding dress a few weeks before the wedding?? That can be an entire book in itself!... Get a few of those negative letters, and David's Bridal goes on the D-list.

Despite David's Bridal being hit or miss, there are still a number of reasons to give them a shot:

• The gowns are beautiful... even if they're designer knock-offs. On your wedding day, people are going to notice the expression on your face, not the designer of your gown. A happy bride in a $99 gown is much more beautiful than an unhappy bride in a gown worth $20k.

• They're here to stay. We're in a recession, and a lot of pricey boutiques have had to close their doors because people just aren't able to spend the money they used to on gowns. What happens to the special orders? Most brides-to-be usually get a refund... some do not.

• They have a pretty decent exchange policy. Although David's Bridal will tell you that their dresses are final sale, you have up until the day of your wedding to exchange your gown. I didn't know this until after I bought my second gown. With two wedding dresses in my place, I was desperate to get rid of the second. I took it to the store not expecting much, especially since it was on super-clearance, but they gave me store credit..... The catch was that I had to use it the same day, so I ran around the store and got shoes, jewelry, a veil, some hair pins, and a cute book for Lu and me to read. A week later, I realized that the shoes were uncomfortable, and I really didn't need the hair pins. I was able to exchange my exchange for something that I liked.
  

I didn't get everything at David's Bridal. However, the total for my entire wedding day attire, which I'll elaborate on throughout the week, including: ceremony dress, reception dress, all accessories (traditional veil, birdcage veil, shoes, purse, jewelry, and garter), alterations, and the associated shipping and taxes rings in at under $450.

I'm a huge fan of flying. However, given the price, luggage constraints, and my dog, I've become quite familiar with the Ohio and Pennsylvania Turnpikes over the last several years.

No matter how many times I make the drive between Maryland and Michigan alone or with Jeremy, I always get cranky between hours 3 and 4 -- butt's starting to get sore from sitting, not quite time to fill up the gas tank, food I ate before the trip is wearing off, and we're not even halfway to our destination. I developed a system to make this trip more pleasant for me... and whoever is unfortunate enough to be my riding companion.



First, I like to leave between 3 and 4 am. It sounds crazy, but it has a number of benefits. At the 3/4-hour mark, the radio morning shows start. Nothing like Steve Harvey and Russ Parr to give me a boost of energy.

Also, if I happen to be driving through some podunk town that doesn't have a good radio signal, there's a more natural energy-booster that helps at this point: the sunrise.

Second, I like to bring stuff to do or things to talk about during the drive. As I mentioned earlier, even after I make it through the almost-midway-lull, there's still more than half of the trip remaining. Some people listen to the radio, a CD, or their iPod, but I've found that good old-fashioned bonding activities keep me more focused.

On this trip, I brought along The Bride and Groom Challenge, a multiple-choice quiz book that I picked up at David's Bridal when I exchanged my dress. (Most wedding places will only give you store-credit, at best, when you return a wedding dress. Yes! I have the dress. More on that in a later post.)

The book is simple: answer 100 multiple choice questions about yourself, have your fiancé(e) do the same, compare answers, sign a contract, and the winner gets the prize of his or her choice: a romantic dinner, a massage, breakfast in bed, quality time, etc.


The book goes through some pretty basic questions about your partner, including their personality, talents, childhood/teenage years, school, work, favorite things, family, social life, food, travel, daily routine, and a series of questions that start with the ominous phrase, "Has he/she ever..."

For the most part, Lu and I were pretty neck-and-neck with right answers. The questions that tripped both of us up were:

#18) "What talent do we like most in the opposite sex?" Lu picked dancing, instead of kissing (the answer I picked for him). I picked creativity, instead of earning potential (the answer that he thought I'd choose).

#28) "If he broke something in the house when he was a child, he would...?" Both of us said we would tell our parents... both of us thought the other person would try to glue it back together!

#57) "Did he/she ever cheat on an exam?" We both have cheated once when we were desperate... neither of us got caught.

In the end, I got 86 questions correct, beating Lu by a mere 2 points. More importantly, we occupied ourselves for a few hours on our long ride back to Maryland.

Normally, I go straight to bed when I get home, but we had to make a few stops first to see our photographer and to choose our wedding cake! More on these topics next....

Before You Get Engaged by Dr. David Gudgel was the first book that Lu and I decided to read. We chose this book for two main reasons: 1) there aren't that many books that discuss preparing for engagement, and 2) it takes a really interesting approach.


Whereas most books on engagement and marriage are from the point of view of a pastor who has been married for 50 years and married off their children 25 years ago, Before You Get Engaged is realistic and down-to-earth.  The main text is written by a pastor in California, and there's also input from his son and his son's girlfriend who were considering engagement at the time. (**Spoiler Alert** They got married. Not really super-surprising, but sorry if I ruined it for you.)


Therefore, the book tackles pre-engagement and finding a life partner from several views: a biblical standpoint, a counselor/pastor sharing his own experiences and interactions with couples over the years, and a couple in their mid-twenties considering engagement. 


Before You Get Engaged is an easy and enjoyable read. Not only do the author(s) have a conversational tone, but it's also divided into "bite-sized parts." This was important because Lu and I wanted to make sure that we could enjoy the book together. By fitting 15 chapters in under 200 pages, each section was only a few to several pages long, which made it great for reading in the car together or during study breaks. 


I don't want to give the book away because it's definitely worth the read, but it has four parts: 1) Are you sure you're ready?; 2) Do you make a good couple?; 3) What do others say?; and 4) Now what should you do?


By the end of the book, we were ready to complete the following pre-engagement checklist:


1) Would you marry you?
Not to toot my own horn, but I'd definitely put a ring on it.


2) Are you all dated out?
YES!!! This question deserves its own future blog post... but as a reformed serial-dater, I'm over it!


3) Are you ready to make a "'til death do you part" commitment?
I couldn't imagine living life without Lu, nor would I want to.


4) Is the timing right?
Lu and I talked about this before we read the book and decided that the "perfect" time for us to get married is when we are 35 with tenure. Since neither of us wants to wait a decade, we talked to friends who got married and grad school, weighed the pros and cons, and decided that now is a pretty good time.


5) Are you genuinely "in love"?
Yep, he still gives me butterflies.


6) Do you communicate effectively?
This question is our only yellow flag. When things are going great, we literally finish each other's sentences. When issues come up, those personality types I discussed earlier tend to take over. We're hoping to talk about this during pre-marital counseling. In the meantime, we're actively practicing ditching the Golden Rule (treat others how you'd want to be treated) for the Platinum Rule: Treat others how they want to be treated. 


7) Are you on the same page?
Sometimes we're even on the same paragraph.


8) Are you spiritually connected?
Definitely, and we're constantly working to maintain and strengthen this connection.


9) Are you better together than you are apart?
Also discussed in a previous post: We complement each other really well.


10) Is your heart at peace?
For the first time in any relationship, I'm truly content.


11) Do you believe this is God's will?
Looking back on how everything played out, only God could have timed it that perfectly.


12) Are your friends and family supportive?
They love him... and so do I.

I'm an ESTJ, and Lu's an ENFP.  This either sounds like gibberish, or you know where this post is going.

According to H. Norman Wright, the author of 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged, more than half of all engaged couples don't make it to the altar and about half of marriages end in divorce. That means that when a woman accepts a proposal, there's a 75% chance that she will not be spending her life with her fiance. Scary, huh?

This is why Lu and I decided to be strategic about our preparation for marriage spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially. I suppose the pre-engagement period is different for every couple. However, for Lu and I, it started several months ago when we stopped laughing off the question, "So when are you two going to get married?!"

This isn't to say that we hadn't thought about marriage seriously before this point. In fact, shortly into our official relationship, we had a frank discussion of what we expected from the relationship and each other. While our expectations of each other have continued to evolve, what we expected of the relationship remained consistent: We were not dating for fun or [just] because we were physically attracted to each other, we were dating because we believed God brought us together for a greater purpose.

Was this purpose marriage? We didn't know. We just knew that neither of us wanted to start a serious relationship with someone that didn't at least have marriage potential. In fact, after building such a strong friendship over several months, we recognized that we were taking a risk by adding the "boyfriend/girlfriend" title.

Looking back makes me even more convinced that Lu is truly my soul mate and a complement to my life. He sees the big picture, while I focus on the details. He always looks for the silver lining, while I take care of the rain plan. When one of us is down, the other puts their needs aside to lift them up. Even when we cook together, I'm in charge of the seasoning, while he takes care of the chopping! Simply stated: We are better together than we are apart.

There's also an openness and a comfort to our relationship that I've never experienced before. We can talk about everything (except proposal plans, of course). Not only can I be myself around him, but I trust him enough to allow my vulnerabilities to show. For a "modern" woman who prides herself on her independence, that's not easy. However, it's become natural because he's my best friend.

Now that I've elicited some reaction from you (a smile, an "awwww," an eye roll from the bitter folks), how does this relate to pre-engagement? Pre-engagement started at the point where we believed that marriage was in God's plans for our future, and we decided to take a thoughtful approach.

Step 1: We prayed and opened our hearts to hearing from God.

Step 2: Then, like the good PhD students we are, we decided to do some research. We scoured the library (i.e. Amazon) and decided to read Before You Get Engaged by David Gudgel and to work through 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged by H. Norman Wright. We also thought that now would be a good time to do a daily devotional that was specifically geared towards couples, so we picked up the aptly named Devotions for Dating Couples by Samuel Adams and Ben Young.

Step 3: After a few weeks, we started letting our family and friends know about our plans. Although the decision is ultimately between us and God, we decided it would be helpful to talk to those who know us best and couples who have been in our shoes before.

Step 4: Finally, we've started counseling with leaders in our church. Yes, we are doing pre-marital counseling before we are engaged. In our eyes, God knew that we were going to be together before we were even born. If our marriage is meant to be, then putting an engagement ring on my finger is less of a promise and more of a public announcement of what's already been ordained to happen. (Thanks, Pastor Barb!) Before we get swept away in the warm wishes and wedding planning, we want to have a clear vision for our marriage.

Does this take the romance out of our engagement and the fantasy out of our wedding? Not at all. Investing this time up front has made me more excited to have Jeremy as a partner for life. I feel peace and happiness, instead of anxiety or distress.

I'll continue to post about the counseling sessions and the books, and I hope that others will take advantage of resources available to them. Let's be a part of the 25% that make it to forever!