** I've added a few questions since this was originally posted. If you have more, keep 'em coming!**

I know I promised these on Monday, but two days late isn't that bad. Right?

Here are all of the marriage questions that I received -- Facebook, email, and blog:

Q: Did you fully love yourself before you were married, or is it still a work in progress?

A: GREAT question! I did fully love myself; but maybe a bit too much (lol) because sometimes it can be difficult to be selfless and open-minded when you have to share everything with someone else. It's definitely a process going from "I" to "we," but it's so worth the journey!

Q: Do you think you would have been content with your life if you never got married?

A: I think that if I never met the right person, then I would have been content. Knowing in my heart that God put Lu in my life (even if the timing, our ages, bank accounts, education, etc. weren't "right"), I would not have been content if I'd let our opportunity to spend our lives together slip away.

Q: What happened to those books you used to read before you got engaged? Have you stopped?

A: Nope! The books just get longer after you get married. :-) On top of that we were also busy with the wedding, moving in together, finishing up the semester for school, etc. We are actually reading two books at once right now -- a daily devotional and Starting Your Marriage Right. I'll post reviews when we finish those.

Q: Do you wish you'd had a longer engagement?

A: Another month or two max would've been okay, but I think a long engagement would've driven me crazy. I would have second-guessed everything, and I wouldn't have been happy with the final outcome. Besides, I think that an engagement should be a transition phase, not the end goal. Six months was a bit short. Eight months to a year would've been fun -- throw in a few extra celebrations. Eighteen months would've have been the absolute limit for me, and even now I can't imagine what I would've done if I'd three times as long to plan.

Q: Was being celibate worth it?!

A: Oh, yeah. We're so comfortable with each other, and it's a truly intimate experience. Besides, I think we're making up for lost time pretty well. ;-)

Q: Were you all able to do everything for under 15-20K?

A: The total cost for our wedding (ceremony and reception) was right at $14,500. Looking at additional costs, the rehearsal dinner was $1000, the VIP booths at the lounge where we had our after party were $500, and our honeymoon comes in at just under $5000.

However, my parents gave us some money, Lu's parents paid for the rehearsal dinner (and hosted a second reception for us), and we had family members gift us things: the cake, church, ceremony decorations, and our transportation. Also, the cash gifts we got from the wedding are covering a large chunk of our honeymoon.

In the end, Lu and I paid about $13,000 of the $21,000 total.

Q: How does your actual marriage match up to the expectations you had for it?

A: We definitely expected our marriage to be fun, so that part lived up to what we thought it'd be. We still go out, spend evenings studying in the coffee shop, cook together, laugh and goof around, etc. However, every counselor, book, married family member/friend told us that the first few years of marriage would be full of stumbling blocks, disagreements, and even doubt as we learn to adapt to each other and develop our "marriage style." Even though we knew to expect some bumps, it's still weird when they happen. It hasn't even been two months yet, and I think we've gotten much better at handling things (based on the fact that problems seem to come up less often). Although there will be more adjustments when we get jobs, move, and have kids, I definitely think we're establishing good habits now to face the real issues later.

Q: Do you "feel" married?

A: Sometimes... I think. It's weird because they way that we spend time in our marriage is generally the same way we spent it while we were dating. However, we now share our finances, I have a new last name, and people treat us as more of a unit. There's also this peace that comes with knowing that you have someone there to support you through the stages of life.

Q: Were you really ready to give up other men forever?!

A: Yes! Based on my own experiences and living vicariously through my friends, dating is confusing, frustrating, and disappointing. A good man is hard to find. Finding a good man who wants to be in a relationship is rare. Finding a good man, who wants to be in a relationship and is a perfect fit for you is like finding a needle in a haystack!

Do I still think other guys are attractive? Yes. Do I wish I could still do random things with my single friends like speed dating or trying to catch the bouquet at a wedding? Yes. Do these things match up to my desire to be with Lu? Not. Even. Close.

Disclaimer: This post involves "female topics." If you're one of those men (or women) who scowl whenever you see a commercial for birth control or tampons, even if you're watching Oxygen or WEtv, then you should probably stop here.

I remember the day that I found out about birth control pills (BCPs).

I was 15 years old and having the kind of "sick" day that involves a heating pad and half a bottle of Midol. Flipping through the pages of Seventeen, I found an ad about Ortho Tri-cyclen that piqued my interest: Birth control can give you shorter, lighter periods with fewer to no cramps.

Shorter, lighter periods?!

No cramps?!?!?!?


I ran to the kitchen and exclaimed, "Mom! I want to get on birth control!"

Horrified, but always as cool as a cucumber (a trait that I didn't inherit), my mom said, "Okay.... Is there something you want to talk about?"

"Yes!! It can get rid of my cramps. It can make my periods lighter. I hate missing school. It sucks missing cheerleading practice."

"I hate that word -- 'sucks.' Don't say that."

"I know, I know. It's not lady-like. I'm sorry. Anyway, can we please go to the doctor and get a prescription? I'm realllly sick of this period crap."

"I hate 'crap,' too. Sucks, crap, pissed off. So harsh! I don't understand how they became a part of kids' language today. [*shakes her head*].... Well, I think we should go to the library first and look up some more information about the pills. I never took them, but you can also talk to your sister about her experience."

"Cool!"

"Are you sure there's nothing else you want to talk about?"

"Huh?"

*Gives me one of those "Mom" stares.*

"No! Geesh, not everybody's having sex.... You watch too much Lifetime."

"Weelll, most of those movies are based on true stories."

*Pause. Then both of us laugh.*

Fast-forward almost a decade of 4-day periods that came the fourth Wednesday of every month at 7 PM with no cramps, and 24-year old me begins to wonder if my body could use a break from those hormones.

Not only are Lu and I celibate, but just maybe my body had figured out this whole menstrual cycle thing on its own.

So one month, I ignored my reminder to refill my BCP prescription. Then a few weeks later, I took the final pill in my last pack, and that was that.

For the rest of the month, I was nervous. What is a "natural" period like? What if I have cramps that tear me in half? Or worse, what if I have one of those middle school horror stories, and everyone sees my stained white pants?

It actually wasn't that traumatic. One day, about four weeks after taking my last pill, I had a slight headache and was extremely tired. I guzzled down several cups of coffee and nothing was helping. Thinking I was getting sick, I went home and took a nap. I woke up, went to the bathroom, and my period had started.

"Hmmm, well that wasn't so bad."

Thirty-one days later, the same thing happened. Then another thirty-one days, and I was officially on a "cycle."

I began to note the interesting monthly changes in my body:

Week One: Normal Val
Week Two: Normal Val
Week Three: Sensitive but Mostly Normal Val
Week Four: Crying/Angry Val + 3 lbs., a snickers bar, and a few zits
P-Day: Tired Val + Headache

I learned to control the changes, so that they wouldn't affect my life. I drank tons of water, so I wouldn't retain those extra pounds. I did yoga and practiced self-talk to try to control the wave of emotions I would feel during the fourth week.... I would still eat my snickers bar.


As far as the few zits, I used spot treatments for the first month, which helped but dried out my skin. The following month, I created a skincare regimen for the first time in my life, and my face completely rebelled.... By the next month, I had about a dozen blemishes on my face -- fresh zits, almost-healed zits, scars from zits.

When I was an adolescent, I really didn't have problems with acne. Sure, I had the Clean & Clear and Stridex pads, but my face didn't really break out. On top of that, I have dry, sensitive skin. Most products for acne were too harsh for me to use on a daily basis.

By the time I was in high school, I got used to having a few pimples here and there. They lasted a few days and were no big deal. By the time I finished high school, my complexion was flawless... despite the fact that I only used regular Dove soap and Palmer's cocoa butter lotion... only in the morning... sometimes.

Therefore, dealing with acne in my mid-twenties was beyond annoying. After shelling out money on cleanser, toner, and moisturizer, I noticed that my face was softer but still broken out. Frustrated, I did research on various acne treatment systems -- most of which were still too harsh for my dry skin.

What could be causing these breakouts? The change in weather? Stress? Not drinking enough water? More importantly, what could I do to get my face back to normal?!

Like most things people search for in life, I found the answer to my problem when I wasn't looking for it.

After Lu and I got engaged, I knew that I wanted to start birth control about 3-4 months before the wedding. That way, my body could go through any physical and/or emotional adjustments that it needed to before the big day.

My first month back on BCPs, I only had two new pimples. By the second month, most of my old zits had healed. As I begin my third month back on birth control, I only have a few scars from my several months of breakouts.

That's when I remembered the one benefit of birth control that I'd completely forgotten about: BCPs help with mild to moderate acne.

I didn't "outgrow" my acne like I'd assumed. My body just doesn't have crazy hormone surges when I'm taking pills. Like my clockwork periods, my flawless face was a positive side effect of being on birth control!

I'm not suggesting that everyone with acne should run out and get The Pill. There can be side effects, some severe. It's definitely a decision that should be discussed thoroughly with a doctor. Personally, I'm glad that I started using BCPs again... and my face is thankful, too.

Me: I don't want a long engagement. Can you imagine how crazy it'd be to plan a wedding over the school year?

Lu: Yeah, and it's not like we'd be able to save a lot more money if we waited until next year.

Me: Besides, all the big decisions have to be made in the next few months anyway.

Lu: True, and I really want to start our life together. Being engaged is fun, but it's not exactly the end goal.

Me: But if we get married too soon, everyone's going to think I'm pregnant.

Lu: We'll just tell them we're celibate.... They'll understand!

Even though Lu was joking, there's definitely some truth to his statement. Although there are fewer shotgun weddings than there used to be -- a combination of both lower failure rates for birth control and a greater acceptance of unwed mothers -- it's pretty much understood that everyone is having sex. Even if two people aren't in love or even in a relationship, there's the assumption that a man and a woman who are attracted to each other are sleeping together.

This isn't the case. Lu and I aren't virgins, but both of us decided that sex is something that should be saved for marriage. I used to feel odd about our celibacy. I'm a very outspoken person about my relationship with Lu and my life in general. However, when it came to the topic of sex, I was always very careful how I mentioned our sex life, or lack thereof.

I found myself rambling off a list of ready-made excuses as to why we weren't sleeping together, "It's not that we're not attracted to each other, but we're just kinda saving ourselves for marriage because, um, that's what you're supposed to do as a Christian. You know, you go to church, right? They always say that.... And it's not like it's absolutely horrible to wait. We still kiss and hold each other and stuff. It can be tough sometimes, but I think this will make our relationship stronger because, um, it just shows our love is deeper than sex. You know?.... Yeah, we're celibate."

In the beginning of our relationship, this awkward speech was partly to convince myself that celibacy actually was okay.  That is was normal and good for our closeness and romantic gestures to actually come from a place of love, instead of a haze of lust. In theory, it was definitely the way to go. In practice, there were times when I could identify with Jill Scott's "Celibacy Blues" more than I ever thought I would.

Sure enough, as our relationship has progressed, celibacy truly has helped us in a number of ways.

For instance, communication. When we argue, we can't just hop in the sack to make it all better. We actually have to talk out what's bothering us until we solve the problem. Crazy thought, huh?

Then there's the romance factor that I mentioned earlier. He brings me fresh flowers almost every week, I'll massage his shoulders after a rough day, and we have candlelit dinners because we truly enjoy each other -- not because there's an expectation that it's going to lead to the bedroom.

Most importantly, I know that our connection isn't just based off of infatuation or pheromones.  Once our bodies physically start to change, our deeper attraction will remain.

 Obviously, I've gotten more comfortable and more bold discussing my celibate relationship. I've found out that -- surprise, surprise -- we're not the only ones. Ironically (or not), most of my friends in happy relationships and marriages are/were celibate, and the ones with the most drama are having the "best sex ever." I've fallen into that trap before, too. Great sex does not equal a great relationship! In fact, sleeping with someone too soon can ruin the potential for something special.

There are even a number of celibate celebrities, including Lady Gaga (yikes). Unfortunately, most of these celebs are just taking a break from sex, instead of waiting until marriage. While it's not an ideal, it's nice to know that there are public figures who are not promoting rampant sex.


This isn't to totally discount love-making. I certainly look forward to the day when sex will enhance our marriage. As one newlywed friend said, "Marriage is hard work, but it's beautiful. Even more beautiful when you built the relationship not based on the physical. But trust, the physical aspects are definitely the icing on the cake!"