Today was our first wedding anniversary. Wow! I still can't believe that it's been a year since Lu and I said, "I do."

Since we're going to Seattle in a few weeks, we decided to have a low-key celebration: get dressed up, enjoy a nice dinner, catch a funny movie, and end the night with... well, you can figure out how married folks end their anniversary!

Instead, I'm laying on the sleeper sofa in the living room and writing a blog post. How did this happen?!

Well, Lu was feeling queasy last night, so we went to bed a little early. He didn't have an appetite this morning, so we decided to skip the gym. He felt weak after church, so he decided to take a nap. A fever, chills, a bowl of chicken noodle soup, several cups of tea, and too many hours of junk television later... we decided to call it a night on the couch. (I refuse to have a television in the bedroom. Since we're already so "cozy," we didn't see the point in moving.)

At first, I was totally selfless. My husband's sick. I nurse him back to health. I didn't even understand why he felt bad for "messing up" our plans. I love him, he needs me, and that's all that matters. The Melting Pot will be there another day.

Then after walking the dog, doing the dishes, deciding to fold laundry, writing cover letters for job applications, and checking out a few new apps for my iPhone, I hear Lu say five words that totally changed my perspective, "I'm feeling so much better."

Instead of happiness, my first instinct was frustration. Really? I spend our anniversary wearing stretch pants and folding towels for him to decide that he's feeling better? And 30 minutes after I eat leftovers?! What the heck, he never even gets sick anyway! Today, of all days, he decides to succumb to some random stomach virus, and I spend the day running around like a nursemaid. Now I'm tired, and his sickness is just over???

I didn't say any of this out loud. (See? I have learned a lot in this year of marriage!) However, I had to mentally check myself real quick: Lu and I were able to spend the entire day together. We woke up together, we showered together (well, we did), we went to church and worshipped together, and we lounged on the couch all day long.

As I imagine our future, I'm sure there'll be anniversaries where I'm pregnant and moody, where one or both of us is working late, where we'll be at a dance recital or a football game for the kids, where we'll be traveling for a conference, or when any of life's other commitments get in the way.... And then there'll be the anniversaries where only one of us is alive on this earth to remember the love that we shared.

Only God knows what's in store; but thinking about what the future will likely hold, I'm sure that I'll long for the day when I can go to bed on a sleeper sofa listening to my almost-100%-healthy Lu snore softly beside me with Maggie curled up at our feet.

This has been an amazing anniversary. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be cuddling with my husband for the rest of the night.

It's happened to another one of my married friends. After a long discussion, Mrs. R's husband packed up his stuff, headed to another state, and got his own apartment. While he moved away from their house, their dog, and their life as they knew it; she turned to her mother and friends for support and comfort. There was stress and tears on both sides, but they know that it's for the best.... After all, she'll be joining him in about a year.

Okay, so maybe they aren't exactly "separated" in the traditional sense of the word. He got his dream job, and she hasn't found an opportunity in that area yet. Instead of leaving her current teaching position a month before school starts, she's going to do her own job search and hopes to find something by next summer.

Living apart for a bit will be stressful and difficult. However, only having one income in an expensive city with few friends and no family has its own set of problems. In their situation, they decided that it just makes more sense to go their separate ways (for now).


They're not the only ones that I know who are "happily separated." Long-distance marriages are becoming more common these days. The proverbial picket fence has expanded across state and country borders between the tough economy, existence of two-income households, ease of transportation, advancements in communication, and the professional culture of several industries.

I have another friend with a baby whose husband is halfway across the world in the military. A co-worker and her husband left their honeymoon and went back to live in different countries. My "buddy" at the consultant firm where I will be applying in the fall spends half the week away from home, while her husband takes care of their toddler. In fact, I just met a newlywed who will be doing a post-doc in Michigan while her husband is in school 500+ miles away.

I'm torn about the situation. Lu and I were apart for four months while we were dating. We texted and emailed all day, video-chatted every night, cuddled with our namesakes -- created at Build-a-Bear -- when we went to sleep, and managed to see each other about every three weeks. We did what we could to make the best of the situation, but there were some things that we missed: cooking together, lazy Saturdays, goodnight kisses, etc. In addition, our lives were disconnected. He didn't know all of the people that I was meeting at work. I wasn't there when he hung out with labmates and friends.

We were still together, but we were building separate lives. This was hard enough to handle while we were dating, but it's a huge "no-no" when it comes to married life. Once you take those vows, you're together. You are one. Period.

However, does this mean that one spouse should totally uproot their comfortable life while the other pursues a short-term opportunity? Conversely, should the spouse with the opportunity turn down a chance to go after his or her passion? What effect will the resulting anger, resentment, financial hardships, etc. have on the quality of married life?

When I finish my degree, my goal is to get an administrative job at the university where I am currently a student. (Whew! Yes, I just put my goal out there.) With that said, I'll still be pursuing other local opportunities that fit with my skills and interests. I'm not even thinking about going after jobs that will put distance between Lu and me. Buuutt that doesn't mean that the perfect, out-of-state, career opportunity won't land in my lap. Nor does it mean that I wouldn't take said opportunity if that's the best option available.

I think the answer lies in open communication and dedication to the relationship. A marriage can fall apart with two people living under the same roof and sharing a bed every night. Long-distance marriages are tough. Even when you make the best of the situation, they're not fun. They're not romantic. They're not what most people dream of when they say "I do."

However, they can work. If Lu and I agree that a short-term opportunity is good for the betterment of our future, then it's at least worth a shot.

I'm a quote-collector. I'm big on pithy, powerful messages that make me feel good about myself, my endeavors, my place in the universe, etc. Lu and I start most of our mornings with a daily inspirational quote, and my just because gift has gotten both of us through some tough days!

One quote that I found a few years ago has been particularly meaningful to me: "She wasn't where she had been. She wasn't where she was going... but she was on her way."

I came across this quote while looking for a gift for my mother on one of those websites that sells whimsical, unique items. It stood out to me because I had just finished the requirements for my masters degree, recently met Lu, and was thinking about leaving my Phd program.

I didn't know the author, and I didn't know where it came from. It just spoke to me. I'd come a long way from Calvert County, MD; however, I had no idea where the next stop on my journey would be. Moreover, I didn't even know where my journey was going to take me. I was just "on my way."

Three years later -- with a degree, a marriage, and a few dissertation chapters under my belt -- I find myself on my way again. I had the urge to know who said this quote that spoke to my life at each fork in the road. It turns out that these few lines are just the beginning of a longer message by Jodi Hills, an artist and author:


"She wasn't where she had been. She wasn't where she was going…but she was on her way. And on her way she enjoyed food that wasn't fast, friendships that held, hearts glowing, hearts breaking, smiles that caught tears, paths trudged and alleys skipped. And on her way she no longer looked for the answers, but held close the two things she knew for sure. One, if a day carried strength in the morning, peace in the evening, and a little joy in between, it was a good one…and two, you can live completely without complete understanding. She was on her way."

Wow. How beautiful and real is that?

As I near the end of my graduate school career, I've been thinking a lot about what happens next. I see a lot of friends who can't stand their jobs. On the other hand, there are other people who graduate and don't have jobs at all. Personally, I know that my next position is temporary. It'll be something to keep me in Ann Arbor for a few years while Lu finishes up his PhD.

However, my job will be more than just a source of income. Everything that I do now builds up my expertise and prepares me for the next step. I want to be able to sharpen my current skills, not to mention actually enjoy most of my waking hours. Most importantly, I don't want to put myself in a box where I don't feel comfortable. Sure, people change tracks all the time. However, after two decades in school, I don't want to do something totally irrelevant.

These thoughts have been stressing me out in the last few weeks: Is it too early to start applying for jobs? Which career route should I pursue? How will this affect my dissertation writing? Can I even push myself to work through the last several months of this degree when I don't want a faculty or research position? What if I find a job that I love and never complete the PhD at all? What will that mean for my future?

Although these are all valid concerns, I have no control over God's plans for me. I wanted to go to college in Maryland and ended up in Georgia. I wanted to get a masters degree and now I almost have a PhD. I wanted to go to graduate school somewhere warm, and I'm in Michigan. I wanted to get married in the summer, and I had a gorgeous fall wedding.

Despite all of the things that I've wanted to do, I've ended up much happier going where God has taken me. Like the quote says, I'm learning to live completely without complete understanding.

So, no. I might not be where I'm going, but I'm having an amazing time on the way.

The test was brutal yesterday, but... I passed!!! I move on to the next round of interviews. Woo-hoo!

Annndddd I also scheduled two interviews for my dissertation within three hours of sending my first round of emails.

God is awesome! Time to celebrate tonight... before I get back to studying. :-)

Lu and I have been married for less than two months, and the b-word has already taken a semi-prominent place in our life. Lu's mom says it, my mom says it, our friends drop it like it's not an issue, and even our fathers are okay with it.

Sure, it's kind of a joke at this point, but I feel like I have to pretend I'm okay with hearing it.

I'm not. The b-word makes me feel downright uncomfortable and nervous.

As far as I'm concerned, "baby" is just another four-letter word.

Lu and I are not ready for children. We're both still in school, we have a one-bedroom condo, and we want to be able to define our roles as husband and wife before moving on to mom and dad.... At least, that's what we tell people when they ask.

The honest truth? At the heart of the matter, we're too selfish and scared to bring children into our lives right now.

T-shirt available on www.zazzle.com.

To be fair, babies are cute, cuddly, precious, and a true miracle... when they're not ours. Looking at pregnant women and tiny newborns gives me the warm fuzzies. There's nothing quite like seeing the glow on a woman's face as she guides her friends' hand to the exact spot where the baby kicked. You can't duplicate the feeling of holding a perfect, miniature person who smells like sweet milk and baby powder.

Of course, that is until the baby vomits down your back, into your hair, and plays with it. Or until she poops through her diapers and onto her second dress of the day. Or until your little boy urinates in your face... and laughs. Or until you realize that you have total responsibility of this completely, helpless creature; and even when he/she grows up and (prayerfully) becomes "independent," they'll still be a vital part of your life.

Cute

Let's even back up a bit more. I'm going to reveal the conclusion that a number of my friends and I have come to after discussing our admittedly, ticking biological clocks (no worries, I won't disclose names): pregnancy is CREEPY. It's natural, but it's still disturbing.



There's another being living inside of you wreaking havoc on your emotions and body -- morning sickness, food cravings, acne, mood swings, heartburn, gas, sleepless nights, and not to mention the exponential weight gain and stretching.

Creepy

Then at a certain age, the baby starts doing whatever it feels like -- sucking its thumb, kicking, dancing, etc. -- still inside of you but acting on its own volition.

Oh, yeah. And all of this is before the whole process of going into labor.

I've had these conversations mostly with friends who have never had children, but my pregnant friends don't pretend that it's some completely, happy experience either. Even those with "easy" pregnancies complain about swollen feet, getting out of breath while trying to tie their shoes, not being able to take their usual allergy or pain medications, and how uncomfortable it feels waddling around a beach in August with 30 extra pounds wearing a maternity bathing suit.

New mothers describe post-labor hemorrhoids, 3 a.m. feedings, changing diapers almost every hour, sore nipples from breastfeeding, and the struggle between spending months trying to lose the baby weight and knowing that you're going to gain it all back when you try for baby #2 next year.

Bringing another life into this world really is an internal struggle. However, it's also a gift from God and an issue not to be taken lightly. In fact, when my biological clock started ticking, I got a dog to pause it.

Maggie is a big responsibility. However, she did not affect my body, was potty-trained in three months, can be left at home alone for several hours at a time, and will never be able to talk back.

On the other hand, she won't learn to read, have a first day of school, or dance in ballet recitals. She'll never bring home a great report card, science projects, or a boyfriend. There will be no proms, graduations, or wedding for Maggie. She will not be able to give Lu and me grandchildren, take care of us when we're old, or pass on the memories and legacy of our family.



Nonetheless, for us, Maggie is a step. Like real parents, we give her food and shelter, take her for shots and check-ups, arrange the occasional play date, and make sure that she has lots of love. Like a real daughter, she wakes us up in the morning when she has to potty, sits between us on the couch, doesn't like to sleep in her own bed at night, and goes to "daddy" when mommy won't let her do (or usually eat) something.

Lu and I are great dog parents, and one day we'll be great real parents.... Just not any time soon. With that said, if God has other plans, then we'll make it work. However, for now, I really wouldn't mind retiring the b-word for a few years.