It's the end of the summer, and Lu and I just came back from a two-week road trip after my last day of full-time work in the Dean's Office at my Graduate School. (Sad, sad day. I loved my job and the people I worked with even more!)

Our journey took us from Michigan, to Lu's hometown in South Carolina, to Myrtle Beach for Lu's Birthday, to my hometown in Maryland, and back. So something like this:



If hours.... days... in the car weren't enough of a stressor, we also scheduled our route at the same time that Hurricane Irene decided to plan her trip up the East Coast. And just as my parents in Maryland were worried about me in South Carolina, they had that random earthquake. Then Irene took a diversion and was also headed for them!

But let's back up a bit. The car ride was actually pretty cool. We were able to read one of our wedding gifts from Mrs. R, The 10 Best Decisions a Couple Can Make by Bill and Pam Farrel. This was an awesome way to take up hours (and hours) of time with reading and discussion. Even Maggie mostly behaved -- just a little whining. The canine version of "Are we there yet?!"

I'll give you the highlights of our trip:

• Grandma teaching me how to cook okra and beans for a dinner with the extended family.

• Holding Lu's newest cousin -- I have to confess to feeling maternal urges. Still totally not on the baby train yet, but holding one was amazing. 

• Spending time with Lu's parents and his mom's best friend (college roommates!) at the beach over Lu's birthday.

• Hanging out with my family without electricity post-Irene. Okay, maybe not a highlight but certainly unforgettable.

• Checking out the Patuxent Wine Trail in Southern Maryland.

• Spending time at the MLK Memorial.

• Lu's surprise birthday party, thrown by my parents -- mostly my mother who made him one of her delicious poundcakes.

Happy Valentine's Day Eve!

Lu and I are more than ready to celebrate our first Valentine's Day as husband and wife. I haven't gotten his card yet, but I'm so excited that I can shop in the "for my husband" section this year.

We actually kicked off the festivities last night with an aphrodisiacs-themed game night. We invited a bunch of people over and played party games, including "What's Yours Like?" and "Pick-Up Lines." We also bought "Saucy Charades" -- a game where the answers are clean but the acting might be a bit suggestive (i.e. stuffing a turkey, sliding down a fireman's pole, etc.). However, we had so much fun with the other two that we're saving that one for our next game night!

In addition to games, we also had a smorgasbord of aphrodisiac food. Lu and I made chocolate fondue, using one of our new favorite wedding gifts. Other people brought all sorts of delicious, libido-enhancing goodies for us to snack on.

Okay, so the goal wasn't to actually get any libidos enhanced. However, you'd be surprised at what counts as an aphrodisiac! We had guacamole and chips, red velvet cake, sweet potato pie, pumpkin vanilla pudding, popcorn chicken with honey mustard sauce (the aphrodisiac being the honey, not the chicken), quiche, brownies, all sorts of fruits, and of course lots of wine and coffee. Although they weren't at our party, asparagus, figs, and even oysters make the aphrodisiac cut.



Tonight, Lu and I are having a mini-getaway at a hotel... 10 minutes away from our house. While we're not physically going to be that far from home, we are going to turn off our computers and cell phones (or at least silence them) and enjoy our own little world of luxury. In fact, the only thing we're turning on is the romance: massage oil, lingerie, soft music, champagne, chocolate-covered strawberries, and even a heart-shaped pizza.

When Lu first told me his idea for this "gift" to each other, I had mixed feelings. What girl doesn't want the flowers, candy, and jewelry?! Besides, we're going on our honeymoon in a few weeks. We'll have plenty of hotel time then, right?

After re-thinking it, I realized something that I'd learned early on in our relationship but had neglected a bit: the most precious gift you can give someone is your time and attention. Flowers die, candy adds calories, and Lu's already made some pretty big investments in the jewelry department recently!

For our first Valentine's Day, I can't think of a better way to spend it than time with friends followed by time with each other. Now, I'm off to pack my overnight bag!

Happy New Year!

Ten days into 2011, I'm proud to report that I have been making progress toward my resolution for the year: Stick to my priorities.

Before I go into details, I have to warn you that I have a tendency to be a bit bipolar about my New Year's resolutions. I always try to implement "positive lifestyle changes," which either become part of my routine or totally backfire.

A few years ago, I resolved to eat healthier -- not diet, but just make some changes. Substitute brown rice for white rice. Exchange at least one cup of coffee for water or tea each day. Buy pre-packaged 100 calorie ice cream treats, instead of guessing about serving size (reality check: 1/2 cup of ice cream is practically NOTHING).... I'm still sticking to this resolution, not perfectly, but I'm overall a healthier person.

Last year, I resolved to stop complaining. Ummm, that one didn't work out so well. I have become a more appreciative person, and I do look at the bright side more often. However, I can still tell you about the not-so-bright side in full detail!

I've realized that I need a resolution where I can be proactive and make baby steps. I can't change my mindset overnight, so I need to chart my progress by focusing on achievable goals.

This year, I had to first decide what my priorities were:

1) God: can't do anything without Him
2) Health: only get one body & mind -- gotta keep them healthy
3) Family/Friends: love, support, history, fun, responsibility
4) School: the only reason I'm in the cold, gray state of Michigan
5) Financial Security: Lu and I might make peanuts as grad students, but we try our hardest to save the shells!

Then I had to think about whether my time reflected my priorities. Sadly, it did not.

My schedule was full of time-consuming activities that were not directly related to what I most valued. On one hand, I was spending my time on worthy causes: volunteering, household duties, and checking off administrative items on my to do list. On the other, the things that were important in my mind were constantly getting rescheduled, shuffled around, or squeezed into a 20-minute time slot in my planner.

I was running around all day, but I still felt unaccomplished and unfulfilled. I was stressed out. I was tired. I was even having weird stomach issues, and the doctors couldn't find a medical explanation.

This leads me to my next step in the resolution process: learn to say (and mean) "no." 

When someone asks me to do something, I'll dance all around flat-out refusal. I'll say, "I'm not sure if I have the time." Or "I need more details before I can commit to that." Or even, "I have a lot on my plate and don't want to stretch myself too thin."

However, with a little ego-stroking, fast-talking, and outright ignoring of my concerns, I end up saddled in a position where I don't have the time, energy, and/or desire to give 100%.  To top it off, I'm the one that ends up feeling guilty if I have to back out... for school, family, or health reasons!

Okay, so I'm venting a bit. The bottom line is that people have disrespected my boundaries, and I've let them. It's time to end that with a firm "no" in 2011.

I don't need to justify why I do or don't want to do something. I'm in charge of my own time. You can run yourself ragged trying to please everyone else, but I've been there, done that, and refuse to go back.

Now that I've written my soapbox, how do I do this tactfully in reality? For starters, I've revamped my schedule. I listed all of the activities that don't fit neatly in the five categories above, and I cut them out. Maybe not forever, but for now.

It was tough getting up the courage to make those phone calls -- the fear of letting other people down, the embarrassment of admitting that I'd overextended myself. Nonetheless, people generally understood where I was coming from. I did have one person try to "compare" her stressors and to do list with mine; but instead of making me feel guilty, it made me realize just how crazy I had been to attempt to juggle everything.

I'm finally at the point where my life is my own, and I feel wonderful. Lu and I pray together every morning, we're getting back in the gym, we're doing relaxing activities, we had a housewarming/game night with about 25 friends last weekend, we're making progress in school, and we have a solid savings plan. I even have two consulting positions for extra income.

The next challenge will be slowly adding other activities back into my life. As good as it feels to make my self #1, I'm still well aware that I'm not the only one.  Opportunities will come up, and I'll have to decide if I want to make room for them... on my own terms... with my values first.

Today is not only Christmas Eve, but it's also my parents' 50th anniversary.

50 years.

Then...

50 years... of marriage.

... Now

50 years... of marriage... to the same person.

In this day and age, it's tough to imagine committing to 50 years of anything.

You don't have to commit to 50 years of school (I'm on the verge of exploding after 22 years), 50 years of work (most people don't even stay with the same company for more than 5 years anymore), or even 50 years in the same house (I've personally lived in 4 states in less than 10 years).

Our generation, more than any other before us, is always looking for something newer, better, and more interesting.  We're not really taught to appreciate what we have or fix things that don't work. Upgrading is an important part of our life. Heck, just ask any technology company.

Line for iPhone release (from www.businessinsider.com)

In fact, Lu and I were watching Family Feud, and one question during the fast money section was, "What is the first thing a man trades out when he 'makes it' financially?"

(Yes, I have a secret obsession with game shows.)

The audience laughed when the contestant immediately said, "His wife."

It was a funny answer, but it wasn't funny that it turned out to be number one on the board. Ouch!

My parents have definitely been through some tough times in their 50 years. It's not easy raising four children, or influencing the lives of four grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and two grand-dogs.

However, it's a blessing -- and an inspiration -- to know that they'd do it all again. No upgrading necessary.

Lu and I have been married for less than two months, and the b-word has already taken a semi-prominent place in our life. Lu's mom says it, my mom says it, our friends drop it like it's not an issue, and even our fathers are okay with it.

Sure, it's kind of a joke at this point, but I feel like I have to pretend I'm okay with hearing it.

I'm not. The b-word makes me feel downright uncomfortable and nervous.

As far as I'm concerned, "baby" is just another four-letter word.

Lu and I are not ready for children. We're both still in school, we have a one-bedroom condo, and we want to be able to define our roles as husband and wife before moving on to mom and dad.... At least, that's what we tell people when they ask.

The honest truth? At the heart of the matter, we're too selfish and scared to bring children into our lives right now.

T-shirt available on www.zazzle.com.

To be fair, babies are cute, cuddly, precious, and a true miracle... when they're not ours. Looking at pregnant women and tiny newborns gives me the warm fuzzies. There's nothing quite like seeing the glow on a woman's face as she guides her friends' hand to the exact spot where the baby kicked. You can't duplicate the feeling of holding a perfect, miniature person who smells like sweet milk and baby powder.

Of course, that is until the baby vomits down your back, into your hair, and plays with it. Or until she poops through her diapers and onto her second dress of the day. Or until your little boy urinates in your face... and laughs. Or until you realize that you have total responsibility of this completely, helpless creature; and even when he/she grows up and (prayerfully) becomes "independent," they'll still be a vital part of your life.

Cute

Let's even back up a bit more. I'm going to reveal the conclusion that a number of my friends and I have come to after discussing our admittedly, ticking biological clocks (no worries, I won't disclose names): pregnancy is CREEPY. It's natural, but it's still disturbing.



There's another being living inside of you wreaking havoc on your emotions and body -- morning sickness, food cravings, acne, mood swings, heartburn, gas, sleepless nights, and not to mention the exponential weight gain and stretching.

Creepy

Then at a certain age, the baby starts doing whatever it feels like -- sucking its thumb, kicking, dancing, etc. -- still inside of you but acting on its own volition.

Oh, yeah. And all of this is before the whole process of going into labor.

I've had these conversations mostly with friends who have never had children, but my pregnant friends don't pretend that it's some completely, happy experience either. Even those with "easy" pregnancies complain about swollen feet, getting out of breath while trying to tie their shoes, not being able to take their usual allergy or pain medications, and how uncomfortable it feels waddling around a beach in August with 30 extra pounds wearing a maternity bathing suit.

New mothers describe post-labor hemorrhoids, 3 a.m. feedings, changing diapers almost every hour, sore nipples from breastfeeding, and the struggle between spending months trying to lose the baby weight and knowing that you're going to gain it all back when you try for baby #2 next year.

Bringing another life into this world really is an internal struggle. However, it's also a gift from God and an issue not to be taken lightly. In fact, when my biological clock started ticking, I got a dog to pause it.

Maggie is a big responsibility. However, she did not affect my body, was potty-trained in three months, can be left at home alone for several hours at a time, and will never be able to talk back.

On the other hand, she won't learn to read, have a first day of school, or dance in ballet recitals. She'll never bring home a great report card, science projects, or a boyfriend. There will be no proms, graduations, or wedding for Maggie. She will not be able to give Lu and me grandchildren, take care of us when we're old, or pass on the memories and legacy of our family.



Nonetheless, for us, Maggie is a step. Like real parents, we give her food and shelter, take her for shots and check-ups, arrange the occasional play date, and make sure that she has lots of love. Like a real daughter, she wakes us up in the morning when she has to potty, sits between us on the couch, doesn't like to sleep in her own bed at night, and goes to "daddy" when mommy won't let her do (or usually eat) something.

Lu and I are great dog parents, and one day we'll be great real parents.... Just not any time soon. With that said, if God has other plans, then we'll make it work. However, for now, I really wouldn't mind retiring the b-word for a few years.

Viral Facebook status updates have been used primarily to spread awareness about breast cancer. Last year, women posted their current bra color in their status messages. While this year's message was about stating where they like to put their purse when they come home (i.e. "I like it on the counter, sofa, floor, etc.").

The goal is to encourage people to ask what the status means, and it eventually spreads the word about the real meaning behind the risqué status.

However, Facebook's most recent viral status update was a Q&A. Your friends could inbox you any question they wanted, and you would be required to answer it on your status message without revealing the identity of the person who asked.

Since I got a few questions about marriage, I figured that I would open this up on the blog. Ask Lu and/or me a question about the wedding or our marriage, and we'll answer!

You can comment on this post or send an email to ashleyandjeremy2010@gmail.com. We'll post the answers on Monday!

Lu and I are sleeping on a pull-out sofa in his parents' living room tonight, and I couldn't be happier.

We've been in South Carolina since Tuesday, had a wonderful Thanksgiving on Thursday, an amazing second reception yesterday (details soon), and we spent the entire day today with family... excluding nearly three hours in the coffee shop working, but that's our life!

What's made these last few days particularly special is that my parents, Aunt E and Uncle L, and Maggie have been here. We're all under one roof and having a blast!

I've posted before about how I get the warm fuzzies whenever I think about how happy I am that our families get along. However, today it really hit me that Lu and I have truly joined two families.

It's a big deal to just get along with our parental in-laws. (I've heard some horrible stories about mother-in-laws!) However, it takes it to another level to have our parents get along. Then to go a step further and be accepted by our immediate-family-in-laws is great. I cannot tell you how amazing it feels to have a Grandma. All of my grandparents passed while I was still in elementary school, and I just have a few, fleeting memories.

All of this is more than enough, but God has blessed us to the point where our aunts, uncles, cousins, church family, and family friends can be in the same room comfortably mingling with each other.

I think I always took it for granted that I had a close-knit family. However, joining another one and having a wonderful man by my side has made me realize just how wonderfully blessed I am -- even if I do have a few kinks in my back tomorrow morning!

Every Thanksgiving, my family goes around in a circle right before we say grace and each person shares what he/she is thankful for this year. Since I'm not sure if Lu's family does that, I'm going to share my list on here.

Today, I'm thankful for:

-- a healthy body and sound mind.
-- being married to the man of my dreams.
-- my immediate and extended family, who love me and pray for me, even when I'm not there.
-- the fact that my family has now grown to include all of Lu's aunts, uncles, cousins, and a new mom and dad!
-- friends and church family who have filled my life with love and joy as I trudge along this path called graduate school.
-- the light at the end of the tunnel to grad school!! The end is still far away, but at least I can see the light... kinda.
-- most importantly, a growing relationship with God, who ordained all of these things for my life.

Now it's time to sign off, and enjoy myself.... Have a blessed holiday. :-)

We're in Columbia, SC to spend Thanksgiving with Lu's family. Lu's parents have also planned a second reception for us, so we're excited for both Thursday and Friday afternoon. I'm especially excited because my parents are coming down on Friday with my aunt and uncle. :-)

However, the holidays aren't always the most wonderful time of the year for all couples. In fact, they can be downright stressful, or just weird, for most newlyweds. The hardest part: Where to spend it?

My parents grew up in the same city, and my sister and her husband are both from Maryland. Spending the holidays with both families used to be as easy as hopping in the car and driving from breakfast with one family to dinner with the other.

Most of my dating/married friends nowadays are like Lu and me. They grew up in different states than their partners. The holidays become more of a negotiation that generally falls along these lines:

1) "My family's closer, so let's just spend every Thanksgiving with them. Then we'll spend every Christmas with yours."

2) "We'll spend Thanksgiving with your family and Christmas with mine. Then next year, we'll switch."

3) "I love you, but I'd rather spend the holidays with my own family. See you on New Year's Eve!"

4) "Let's just go on a vacation, then we don't have to pick at all...."

The first year we knew each other, the holidays weren't even worth bringing up. By the end of the second year, we were dating pretty seriously. We ended up spending Thanksgiving and Christmas with our own families -- but videochatting with each other during the day, and we headed back to Ann Arbor to spend New Year's Eve together.

Last year, we spent Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with Lu's family. We decided that would be our standard. Thanksgiving at my house, and Christmas at Lu's house. It was actually a pretty easy decision:

-- My family's closer to Michigan, so we usually end up driving to Maryland for long weekends a few times a year. Two full weeks with Lu's family over our two-week break balances out the 3-4 long weekends spent with mine.

-- Thanksgiving is more of a big deal at my house with lots of extended family sharing dinner at alternating relatives' homes.

-- Christmas is a big deal for Lu's family with his parents hosting dinner for 50+ family members each year.

This year, we've flipped it because Lu's parents are having a second reception for us over Thanksgiving, and my parents are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary on Christmas Eve. (Yes, the big 5-0! Amazing!!) However, next year, we'll be back to our routine.

Right now, this works for us. Although I'm sure that there will be some adjustments once we have babies involved.... Good thing we've got some time before we have to worry about that!

All images courtesy of Martin Studio Photography and video by 3 Blind Mice Productions.

After dinner, came the toasts by Lu's best men (his childhood best friend and his college roommate) and my maid and matron of honors (my sisters). I LOVED their toasts! They were the right mix of sentimental and funny, and they each reflected the toaster's personality. Lu and I both felt truly blessed:



Then it was time to party! Well, almost -- starting with the cake-cutting (which was delicious), our toasts (totally didn't think about that, my apologies for the rambling), the garter belt removal (loved Lu's apology to my dad after), bouquet toss (from the balcony -- pretty cool), garter belt hot potato (a unique idea I got from a friend at our crafternoon last month), a special dance with our parents (both married for decades), and then it was time to really get down.









I really liked that pretty much everyone at our reception danced. Lu wanted a live band, but we just couldn't stretch our budget that far. Besides, the Atrium package came with a DJ.


To get people up and moving, we asked him to start with the cheesy songs that everyone knows and enjoys dancing to even if they won't admit it. Soooo, the first song played at our wedding reception was the Electric Slide, followed by the Booty Call, and the Cupid Shuffle. This is when the videographer left, but you'll see that the dance floor was packed! When the DJ switched to more modern music, everyone was already up and stayed that way -- we even had a soul train line.








Overall, our reception was a ton of fun: our candy bar was delicious (and devoured), my second dress was a hit, and we left with just enough time to get back to the hotel room, guzzle a 5-hour energy, and head out to our after party! That's right... the wedding day recap continues!

All images courtesy of Martin Studio Photography and video by 3 Blind Mice Productions.

After my crazy wedding morning, my sister and I pulled up to the church at 2:15 pm to find... my parents. No bridesmaids, no groomsmen, no hostesses, no coordinators, no makeup artist.

Normally, this would have made me a bit nervous. However, given the morning that I'd had, I didn't even care! I was just happy that I was there myself.

When I walked into the sanctuary, my nerves calmed even more. There was a funeral at the church that morning, so I knew that we might be cutting it close with the decorations. However, everything was beautiful!


After walking around and checking everything out, my bridesmaids started to arrive, then one of my hostesses showed up, and then my make-up artist/Ann Arbor big sister arrived -- soon the church was bustling with activity.

With about an hour until the ceremony, we had to get moving. The first step for me was make-up, and then my sisters, mom, and bridesmaids helped me get dressed:






Then my bridesmaids did their make-up and touching up:





Finally Lu called, and we said a prayer together over the phone:


Confession: I actually saw Lu before the ceremony. The door to the bridal lounge kept opening and closing as parents, coordinators, aunts, bridesmaids, etc. went in and out. He says that he didn't see me, but I could've sworn that we made eye contact for a millisecond. At that point we locked the door, and strictly limited who could come in/leave out.

Before I knew it, the coordinators were calling everyone out to line up. I hurried my make-up artist out of the door, so she wouldn't miss the entrance.

Then I was alone, such a surreal moment to go from a flurry of activity to silence. It's so weird to know that your wedding -- what you've prayed for, painstakingly planned, and dreamed about is going on in the next room. I took a few deep breaths, did some reflection, got teary-eyed, stopped reflecting, got bored, started pacing, heard a knock on the door, got ready to walk out, but it still wasn't time for me to go. Then I debated on making one last trip to the restroom, decided against it, and then the real knock came....

While I was doing my dressing/praying/breathing/pacing/reflecting, this is what was going on outside the bridal lounge:



Video also found at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEd2MMaWS7A.

Last weekend, I went to a conference on Teaching and Mentoring in Tampa. While I enjoyed the sessions and reflecting upon my own trajectory in life, I really missed Lu. The conference was the first time that we’d been apart overnight since we’ve been married. I literally tossed and turned without him.

Nonetheless, my connection to Lu and responsibility to my husband presented itself in a very odd way.

At the conference, I had a roommate. Since I woke up earlier than her on the first day, I decided to lay out my clothes to make it easier to get dressed and ready without disturbing her the next morning.

While I was getting things together, there was a knock at the door. It was one of her friends, who was supposed to meet her before they went out for the night. Since my roommate wasn't there, I invited her to come in and wait.

We chatted about where we were from, what we studied, and what we were doing that night. I mentioned that I was going to videochat with Lu and go to bed, which led to a conversation about the wedding and married life.  She began telling me about the guy that she was dating pretty seriously, and as I listened, I went back to laying out my dress, my blazer, and then I put my bra and panties on top of the pile.

She glanced over and joked, “Victoria’s Secret? 5 for $25? Got those, too!”

I laughed and said that I only wear these panties to conferences now because Lu hates the pattern. He actually calls them my “wallpaper panties.”

She made a face, did the stereotypical eye/neck roll combo, and in that fake-joking-but-semi-catty tone that some women can get, she said, “Wow. You’ve been married for two weeks, and he’s already telling you what kind of underwear to wear?! I dare any man to tell me what I put on my body! I love my boyfriend and all, but yeah right!“

At first I didn't know what to say and didn't feel like getting into some debate about the choices I make about my unmentionables, so I just laughed.

Then after a few seconds, I said, “You know, marriage is about putting your spouse first. If he gets sick, I’d nurse him back to health. If he can't find a job, I’d support the family. If he needed a kidney, then I’d be on that operating table without thinking twice! So quite frankly, I feel blessed that the only ‘sacrifice’ I’ve had to make is reserving my wallpaper panties for conferences.”

When I finished, her mouth literally dropped open, then she cleared her throat and simply said, "Wow. I never thought of it like that. I mean, the big things you mentioned, I'd do those for my boyfriend; but it's the little things that matter just as much."

I replied, "Yeah, they really do. It's easy to brush them off as insignificant; but when you're sharing your life with someone, everything you do -- and don't do -- matters."

Honestly, I was pretty proud of my mini-soapbox. I never, EVER think of comebacks that quickly... unless they’re the really mean ones that I can’t actually say. However, through being engaged and planning a wedding, I’ve realized that people will always give you their two-cents – whether or not you want it, whether or not its useful, and whether or not they even understand your situation!

In fact, the next night, I went out with Mrs. R, who lives in Orlando, and we talked about life and about the wedding. Even though I'd chosen Mrs. R as a bridesmaid, she actually didn't attend the wedding at all. Her husband recently joined the military, and the wedding fell on his first free weekend after bootcamp, graduation (where she could barely touch him after not seeing him for nearly six weeks), and starting his follow-up training in a different state.

Caught between spending time with her husband after being apart for over two months and my wedding, Mrs. R called me in early-September with a "plan": get off work in Florida on Thursday night, drive to Mississippi to see her husband on Friday morning, fly to Maryland on Saturday morning for the wedding, fly back to Mississippi on Saturday evening, and drive back to Florida on Monday morning just in time to teach class at 8 am.

I vetoed the plan and told her to stay with her husband. I told her that she needed to be with him, that I'd fill her in when I came to the conference, and that hopefully she could use the bridesmaid dress for a holiday party. Mrs. R broke down in tears because that's how she also felt, but she thought that I'd be upset if she pulled out of the wedding six weeks before it happened. We had a great discussion about how hard it is to put your husband above your friends, especially when you want to be there for both, and how glad she was that I understood her predicament.

Fast-forward a few months to us catching up over dinner in Florida. When we went back to the hotel, we ran into a friend of mine, Ms. E., from school in the hotel lobby. We invited her to the room with us, and we ended up having one of the best conversations about love and marriage that I've ever had. All of us have been blessed to have strong, Christian men in our lives -- Mrs. R's been married for over two years, Ms. E's been dating her boyfriend with purpose for over two years, and I've been married to Lu for three weeks.

However, striving to fit God's plan and purpose doesn't always work well with what the world says: missing a friend's wedding to spend a weekend with your husband, seriously considering marriage to a man who you've only had a long-distance relationship with, and letting your husband's preferences dictate your choice in panties.

We shared our relationship stories. We talked about how God was working with us on some common issues: patience, prayer, and following His path even if it involved some detours that we never thought we'd take. We also talked about some of the frustrations we felt about having so few like-minded people to talk to who were in a similar place in their lives -- balancing being a strong, Black woman and a submissive wife (or serious girlfriend who is preparing her heart and mind for marriage). We traded book titles and bible verses, shared laughter and moments of reflection, and I think we all took away something from those few hours we spent together.

That night reaffirmed me, especially after my conversation the previous evening.  Standing up for my relationship and my decisions doesn’t have to come from a place of anger or rudeness. It’s about knowing the foundations of a healthy marriage and not being embarrassed about sticking to them.

Even if it doesn’t fit the mold of what a “strong, independent, Black woman” is supposed to be, I’m not worried about what other people think of me. I don’t need to impress anyone. I just have to please myself and serve my husband…. Yes, I said serve my husband, and I’m not ashamed of that. We’re in this together forever – wallpaper panties and all.

Lu had class today (with homework due), so while our mini-moon is officially over, I'm still basking in the newlywed glow.

Since we're in the awkward in between stage, some of my posts will be broken into two parts: my real-life updates and wedding recaps. Hopefully, that'll help fill you in on the wedding and stay up-to-date with our marriage.

Real-life Update:
Today, I went to the Social Security office and the DMV to start the name change process, and it was actually fairly painless! I think the key is to go mid-week after the morning rush but before the lunch crowd trickles in because I waited less than 5 minutes at each office.... This means that I'm legally Ashley Reid Brown. Wow!

Time to start the onslaught of legal documentation that needs to be changed, but I'll handle that soon enough. In the meantime, I've got to clean up the house a bit and cook dinner. How domestic of me, right? lol

The reality is that I can't mentally de-stress in a messy house. That means everything needs to be in its place before I can start getting back to my normal routine... which brings me to dinner. I haven't cooked in at least two weeks. I'm sick of take out, microwave dinners, and even going to restaurants. I just want some food from my stove. And leftovers. Yes, I miss leftovers.

Wedding Recap:

While the wedding was amazing, I mentioned that there were several things that I didn't plan for in the days and hours leading up to it. Although, it all worked out in the end, these were some things that made me, Ms. Super-Planner, a bit edgy:

-- Shoe Switch-a-roo: The guys wore really cool black and white spectator shoes for the wedding. However, my sisters decided to change my father's shoes to all black a few days before he picked up his tux... without asking me. Since Lu's dad got black and white shoes, it would've thrown off the whole look. One call to Men's Wearhouse, and it was straightened out.

-- Snarky "Friends": While most people have been extremely understanding about our budget and guest list constraints, I had a few "friends" send me really weird texts along the lines of:

• "Are you getting married this weekend?! My invite must have gotten lost in the mail." [No, I just haven't seen you since 2006 and have only gotten random spam emails from you in the last two years. Therefore, I have no idea what your address is.]
• "Woooow! The wedding's so soon. I can't believe you didn't tell me. I thought we were so close." [If we were, wouldn't we have talked in the last six months??]
• "So I can't come to your wedding anyway, but if I would have been invited, then I would've sent a gift." [Darn! I forgot Bed, Bath, & Beyond required proof of invitation to give a gift! I wonder how our friends and family who got us gifts anyway because they care about us as a couple and are excited about our union got around that?]
• "If you want to invite people who are 'close' to you as a couple, then you shouldn't put so much of your business on Facebook and in your blog. That way people will know their real place in your life." [Whoa. Stalk much?]

Of course, instead of telling people what I really wanted to say, I gave the standard, "We both have big families and are working with a small budget, so we limited our list to people who have played a key role in our development as a couple." Quite frankly, in none of the above situations did the senders even say "Congratulations," so they're lucky they got an explanation at all.

-- Not-so Smarty Had a Party: Lu and I ordered our cake plates through a company called Smarty Had a Party. We received one case of 150 with silver trim and one pack of 15 with gold trim. They overnighted the correct plates the day before the wedding... which means that we didn't get them until everyone had already left for the ceremony the day of.  I really appreciated their effort, but the company called me FOUR times the day before our wedding to apologize. I had bigger concerns than cake plates!

-- HIV Testing at the Church: When I went to show Ms. P and Ms. S the church, we found out that the church was having HIV testing at the same day/time as the wedding. I'm all for knowing your status, but "Are you here for the wedding or for testing?" is an awkward question for guests!

-- T-Bone Scare (not the steak): Ms. P, Ms. S, and I almost got into a potentially fatal car accident a few hours before the rehearsal dinner when a teen driver decided to run a stop sign. I thank God for my quick instincts and empty lane beside me on the road because we were inches away from a serious accident.

-- Green Cake?!: Our rehearsal dinner cake was supposed to represent Spelman, Morehouse, and the University of Michigan. When we discussed it with the baker, she talked about having the symbols for Spelman and Morehouse with little "M"s around the sides for Michigan..... Instead, we got a football cake. I don't know what happened, or if she just took the "groom's cake" idea a little too far, but we were not expecting a football field at our rehearsal dinner! (Sorry hardcore Michigan fans.) It tasted delicious, and our wedding cake was gorgeous -- and elegant -- the next day. However, Ms. L had to step in and calm me down when I saw that green cake. 


-- Rehearsal Smackdown: Okay, so that's a little misleading. The church came with a coordinator, and we had two directors to make sure all of the behind-the-scenes things ran smoothly.  On the day of the rehearsal, there were a few debates about how things should be done and why -- who stands where, who walks when, etc.. However, it all turned out great in the end.

-- Bachelor/Bachelorette Party Rules Broken: Lu went to a club with the guys and had a bit too much to drink. My girls got me a stripper, complete with the police officer outfit.... And to protect the innocent, all other details on both ends will be private!

-- Check Engine... Five Hours Before the Wedding: My car's check engine light has only come on once, and the car literally conked out on me in the parking lot of the mechanic's office. Therefore, when the light came on the morning of my wedding, while taking Ms. N to her hair appointment, I freaked. We got lost getting to the Metro station, I was almost late getting my hair done, and I was sitting at the mechanic two hours before the ceremony not knowing whether we'd be able to start our honeymoon on Sunday or not.

But through it all, God is good.... The truth is that no matter how much planning you do, unexpected things will happen. However, knowing the way that things are "supposed to be" and having everything organized will enable you to get through the potentially-stressful times with a smile on your face.

Lu and I put God at the center of our marriage before we were even engaged.

However, we always wanted to write our own vows. We figured that as long as we stuck in the "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health" lines and the pastor approved, we'd be totally fine.

No.

Our pastor put his foot down and said that we were going to have the entire sacred ceremony as written in the United Methodist Church tradition. We could do some other stuff to personalize the experience, but vows are something that we wouldn't be messing with under his watch.

I've known our officiating pastor since I was 9 years old, and I deeply respect him. If that's what he believed to be best, then that's what we were going to do.



Instead of writing our own vows, Lu and I have a part of the ceremony called Letters of Devotion. We plan to read one-page letters to each other expressing our love, devotion (hence the title), etc.


I've been "writing" it in my head for the last few weeks, and it sounded touching and genuine. I've even teared up a few times at the thought of reading my mind-written letter to Lu on our wedding day.

Nonetheless, when I typed it up on the computer, it just wasn't what I expected. It sounded trite, and too romanticized, and kinda cheesy, but at the same time too academic. I don't know. I just don't like this letter!

And the one-page limit didn't help. To be totally honest, I made up that part myself. Lu and I have exchanged many cards over the last few years and both of us can be quite long-winded. I figured that having a page limit would keep us focused and our guests from getting bored.

But, in fact, I can express the way I feel about my letter in two words: it sucks.

At least it did, until last night. Yesterday evening, after spending several hours with David Tutera, I went over to my friend's house to do some pre-wedding scrapbooking. I made a scrapbook for Lu last year and had been meaning to organize our pictures and momentos since then and from our engagement into something a bit more creative than a digital file on my computer and/or "our box."

The only problem is that I totally cheated on my scrapbook last year. I got a pre-designed album where you just had to insert pictures. Add a few stickers, and I had a gorgeous, creativity-free scrapbook.

Since I wanted to do this one from the ground up, I reached out to a friend who is also into crafts, a few more friends joined in, and we had a "crafternoon."

Our backgrounds are the stuff that great movies like Waiting to Exhale and Something New are made of: four black women in their late twenties, all with at least one graduate degree, and in different stages in their romantic life. You have the newlywed friend, the friend in a serious relationship with potentially the one, the friend who recently ended a serious relationship and is now redefining her dating persona, and me -- the bright-eyed, bushy-tailed youngest who is about to jump the broom.

All united by a love for arts and crafts.... C'mon. Insert a few flashbacks, and we've got a blockbuster in the making.



But seriously, talking to these women about love, relationships, marriage, and the illusive work-life balance was such a great outlet for me.

I won't get too much into anybody else's business. However, our conversations and general tangents truly helped me realize just how much I've grown as a person since I met Lu and how much he's truly been a blessing to my life.

Finding love, nurturing love, committing to love, and maintaining love are each difficult phases in their own right. Looking back at our past and looking forward to our future, I've decided to toss out my own vows and start new. Not just with something that sounds good, but with words and meaning that resound in my heart.

Now that Lu and I have figured out almost all of the details of the wedding, we only have a few more tasks left. One of these is more complicated than I expected: the seating chart.

On the surface, it's pretty easy. Most guests fall under a certain "heading": parents and grandparents, bridal party, extended family, church family, friends from college, friends from grad school, etc.

However, not all of these groups break into neat tables of 8 and 9 (the number of seats at each table). Then on top of that, there's the additional complication of how the room is set-up.

Should we put our friends closest to the dance floor? Should our elderly guests sit in front of or behind our extended family? Should guests with wheelchairs or canes be more comfortable on the aisle or away from one? Should the older kids sit with their parents or get a table of their own? What do we do with our parents' friends?

Then after we get that finished, we have to think of a way to display it all. Since we're not doing place cards, I'm in favor of a really pretty chart arranged by last name. It's another way to bring in our colors without stressing the hostesses out with passing out escort cards.

However, you do have to put in time to create something nice like this:

Pretty, simple, organized. I like it!

We'll see how crafty I feel in the next few weeks.

Yes, the fact that I'm writing this post means I've finished my thank you cards! I'll be putting them in the mail as soon as I click "Publish."

On September 4th, my sisters -- also my maid and matron of honor -- threw me a bridal shower. Even though I'm the planner in the family, my sisters and cousins did an excellent job with my shower. They even sequestered me in the basement before the party started to make sure I didn't even attempt to help with anything..... They know me so well!

Stuck in the basement and waiting semi-patiently.

The shower was held under a tent in my sister's yard.  It was a gorgeous day, and we started off with mingling, food, and a game. The rules of the game, which continued throughout the evening, stipulated that everyone got a small token (little toasting flutes); but anyone that said the word "bride" had to give up their toasting flutes to the person that caught their slip.

The tent

A creative way to avoid saying "bride."

After we ate, then we moved into the second game, where everyone was given a game booklet and had to match up couples -- everyone from "Fred and Wilma" to "Big and Carrie."

Playing the "Match the Couple" game.

The winner, who matched 15 couples correctly!

Then we immediately moved into the third game, which put me on the spot. I had to answer 20 questions about Lu. He'd written down the answers before the shower, and I got a point if my answer matched his.

The person who won this game had to guess how many questions I'd answer correctly. Many of my relatives thought I'd answer all 20 questions correctly, while the most pessimistic person thought that I'd only be able to answer 12.

In the hot seat!

The questions were tough! I was asked everything from Lu's favorite color (brown), to his most prized possession (his life), to what he wanted to be when he grew up (a carpenter). In the end, Lu's cousin was correct in guessing that I'd be able to answer 18/20 questions correctly.... And no, we did not cheat! :-)

(My favorite question was, "What is your future husband's most embarrassing moment?" After a lot of pause and thought, I said that I thought I knew what it was but that I couldn't share it with everyone. Lu's response to the question, "She knows it, but she better not say it!")

Playing "20 Questions about the Groom."

After games, it was time for gifts. Unlike our couples shower, this was primarily an event just for women, and the gifts reflected this. However, there were a few men present: Jeremy and my brother-in-law served as the photographers, and my dad just kinda crashed the event for the food.... probably to his dismay when it came to this portion of the evening, but I'm getting ahead of myself!

Time for gifts and cards!

For the most part, Lu and I received gifts for us to share: gift cards and monetary gifts, flatware, kitchen items, cookbooks, and books on marriage. These items were definitely appreciated and will certainly help make our individual lives into one.

Reading cards.

Then there were also some gifts that were mostly geared toward me: scented lotions and body wash, a wedding scrapbook, comfortable pajamas, and a Starbucks gift card (or maybe I was supposed to share that one?!).

Our wedding scrapbook :-)

And then there were a few risque gifts: from the mild (a Victoria's Secret gift card), to the amusing (an aphrodisiac cookbook), to the sexy (leopard print lingerie and a pink corset and garter set), to the surprising (a sexy, white nightie picked out by a 70-something woman that goes to my church). Opening these gifts was a lot of fun -- once I got over the "commentary" that came with them. I was not expecting the "Oohhs!", "Aahhs!", the "Hold it up higher!", and my favorite "Turn it around! We want to see the back!"

The Little Black Book of Sex Secrets

Holding up my first nightie gift. What's even funnier than my blushing is my brother-in-law's face in the background!

Then we wrapped up the shower with the obligatory bow hat (which was actually pretty stylish), words of wisdom, and cake.

My tissue paper and bow hat!

A reminder of the meaning of love: 1 Corinthians 13

Cutting my delicious cake!

 As I blogged about previously in my post on our couples shower, the thought of a traditional bridal shower made me nervous: playing embarrassing games, holding up lingerie (or anything sexual) in front of women that I've gone to church with since I was a baby, wearing a hat made of bows, etc.

However, I had an absolutely amazing time. I was so touched by everyone's kindness and generosity -- of course, I cried again thanking everyone. But happy tears are a beautiful thing!

There's nothing sad about happy tears!