~* Ash *~
It's happened to another one of my married friends. After a long discussion, Mrs. R's husband packed up his stuff, headed to another state, and got his own apartment. While he moved away from their house, their dog, and their life as they knew it; she turned to her mother and friends for support and comfort. There was stress and tears on both sides, but they know that it's for the best.... After all, she'll be joining him in about a year.
Okay, so maybe they aren't exactly "separated" in the traditional sense of the word. He got his dream job, and she hasn't found an opportunity in that area yet. Instead of leaving her current teaching position a month before school starts, she's going to do her own job search and hopes to find something by next summer.
Living apart for a bit will be stressful and difficult. However, only having one income in an expensive city with few friends and no family has its own set of problems. In their situation, they decided that it just makes more sense to go their separate ways (for now).
They're not the only ones that I know who are "happily separated." Long-distance marriages are becoming more common these days. The proverbial picket fence has expanded across state and country borders between the tough economy, existence of two-income households, ease of transportation, advancements in communication, and the professional culture of several industries.
I have another friend with a baby whose husband is halfway across the world in the military. A co-worker and her husband left their honeymoon and went back to live in different countries. My "buddy" at the consultant firm where I will be applying in the fall spends half the week away from home, while her husband takes care of their toddler. In fact, I just met a newlywed who will be doing a post-doc in Michigan while her husband is in school 500+ miles away.
I'm torn about the situation. Lu and I were apart for four months while we were dating. We texted and emailed all day, video-chatted every night, cuddled with our namesakes -- created at Build-a-Bear -- when we went to sleep, and managed to see each other about every three weeks. We did what we could to make the best of the situation, but there were some things that we missed: cooking together, lazy Saturdays, goodnight kisses, etc. In addition, our lives were disconnected. He didn't know all of the people that I was meeting at work. I wasn't there when he hung out with labmates and friends.
We were still together, but we were building separate lives. This was hard enough to handle while we were dating, but it's a huge "no-no" when it comes to married life. Once you take those vows, you're together. You are one. Period.
However, does this mean that one spouse should totally uproot their comfortable life while the other pursues a short-term opportunity? Conversely, should the spouse with the opportunity turn down a chance to go after his or her passion? What effect will the resulting anger, resentment, financial hardships, etc. have on the quality of married life?
When I finish my degree, my goal is to get an administrative job at the university where I am currently a student. (Whew! Yes, I just put my goal out there.) With that said, I'll still be pursuing other local opportunities that fit with my skills and interests. I'm not even thinking about going after jobs that will put distance between Lu and me. Buuutt that doesn't mean that the perfect, out-of-state, career opportunity won't land in my lap. Nor does it mean that I wouldn't take said opportunity if that's the best option available.
I think the answer lies in open communication and dedication to the relationship. A marriage can fall apart with two people living under the same roof and sharing a bed every night. Long-distance marriages are tough. Even when you make the best of the situation, they're not fun. They're not romantic. They're not what most people dream of when they say "I do."
However, they can work. If Lu and I agree that a short-term opportunity is good for the betterment of our future, then it's at least worth a shot.
Okay, so maybe they aren't exactly "separated" in the traditional sense of the word. He got his dream job, and she hasn't found an opportunity in that area yet. Instead of leaving her current teaching position a month before school starts, she's going to do her own job search and hopes to find something by next summer.
Living apart for a bit will be stressful and difficult. However, only having one income in an expensive city with few friends and no family has its own set of problems. In their situation, they decided that it just makes more sense to go their separate ways (for now).
They're not the only ones that I know who are "happily separated." Long-distance marriages are becoming more common these days. The proverbial picket fence has expanded across state and country borders between the tough economy, existence of two-income households, ease of transportation, advancements in communication, and the professional culture of several industries.
I have another friend with a baby whose husband is halfway across the world in the military. A co-worker and her husband left their honeymoon and went back to live in different countries. My "buddy" at the consultant firm where I will be applying in the fall spends half the week away from home, while her husband takes care of their toddler. In fact, I just met a newlywed who will be doing a post-doc in Michigan while her husband is in school 500+ miles away.
I'm torn about the situation. Lu and I were apart for four months while we were dating. We texted and emailed all day, video-chatted every night, cuddled with our namesakes -- created at Build-a-Bear -- when we went to sleep, and managed to see each other about every three weeks. We did what we could to make the best of the situation, but there were some things that we missed: cooking together, lazy Saturdays, goodnight kisses, etc. In addition, our lives were disconnected. He didn't know all of the people that I was meeting at work. I wasn't there when he hung out with labmates and friends.
However, does this mean that one spouse should totally uproot their comfortable life while the other pursues a short-term opportunity? Conversely, should the spouse with the opportunity turn down a chance to go after his or her passion? What effect will the resulting anger, resentment, financial hardships, etc. have on the quality of married life?
When I finish my degree, my goal is to get an administrative job at the university where I am currently a student. (Whew! Yes, I just put my goal out there.) With that said, I'll still be pursuing other local opportunities that fit with my skills and interests. I'm not even thinking about going after jobs that will put distance between Lu and me. Buuutt that doesn't mean that the perfect, out-of-state, career opportunity won't land in my lap. Nor does it mean that I wouldn't take said opportunity if that's the best option available.
I think the answer lies in open communication and dedication to the relationship. A marriage can fall apart with two people living under the same roof and sharing a bed every night. Long-distance marriages are tough. Even when you make the best of the situation, they're not fun. They're not romantic. They're not what most people dream of when they say "I do."
However, they can work. If Lu and I agree that a short-term opportunity is good for the betterment of our future, then it's at least worth a shot.
