It's happened to another one of my married friends. After a long discussion, Mrs. R's husband packed up his stuff, headed to another state, and got his own apartment. While he moved away from their house, their dog, and their life as they knew it; she turned to her mother and friends for support and comfort. There was stress and tears on both sides, but they know that it's for the best.... After all, she'll be joining him in about a year.

Okay, so maybe they aren't exactly "separated" in the traditional sense of the word. He got his dream job, and she hasn't found an opportunity in that area yet. Instead of leaving her current teaching position a month before school starts, she's going to do her own job search and hopes to find something by next summer.

Living apart for a bit will be stressful and difficult. However, only having one income in an expensive city with few friends and no family has its own set of problems. In their situation, they decided that it just makes more sense to go their separate ways (for now).


They're not the only ones that I know who are "happily separated." Long-distance marriages are becoming more common these days. The proverbial picket fence has expanded across state and country borders between the tough economy, existence of two-income households, ease of transportation, advancements in communication, and the professional culture of several industries.

I have another friend with a baby whose husband is halfway across the world in the military. A co-worker and her husband left their honeymoon and went back to live in different countries. My "buddy" at the consultant firm where I will be applying in the fall spends half the week away from home, while her husband takes care of their toddler. In fact, I just met a newlywed who will be doing a post-doc in Michigan while her husband is in school 500+ miles away.

I'm torn about the situation. Lu and I were apart for four months while we were dating. We texted and emailed all day, video-chatted every night, cuddled with our namesakes -- created at Build-a-Bear -- when we went to sleep, and managed to see each other about every three weeks. We did what we could to make the best of the situation, but there were some things that we missed: cooking together, lazy Saturdays, goodnight kisses, etc. In addition, our lives were disconnected. He didn't know all of the people that I was meeting at work. I wasn't there when he hung out with labmates and friends.

We were still together, but we were building separate lives. This was hard enough to handle while we were dating, but it's a huge "no-no" when it comes to married life. Once you take those vows, you're together. You are one. Period.

However, does this mean that one spouse should totally uproot their comfortable life while the other pursues a short-term opportunity? Conversely, should the spouse with the opportunity turn down a chance to go after his or her passion? What effect will the resulting anger, resentment, financial hardships, etc. have on the quality of married life?

When I finish my degree, my goal is to get an administrative job at the university where I am currently a student. (Whew! Yes, I just put my goal out there.) With that said, I'll still be pursuing other local opportunities that fit with my skills and interests. I'm not even thinking about going after jobs that will put distance between Lu and me. Buuutt that doesn't mean that the perfect, out-of-state, career opportunity won't land in my lap. Nor does it mean that I wouldn't take said opportunity if that's the best option available.

I think the answer lies in open communication and dedication to the relationship. A marriage can fall apart with two people living under the same roof and sharing a bed every night. Long-distance marriages are tough. Even when you make the best of the situation, they're not fun. They're not romantic. They're not what most people dream of when they say "I do."

However, they can work. If Lu and I agree that a short-term opportunity is good for the betterment of our future, then it's at least worth a shot.

The last few weeks have been pretty lonely. Lu's been working on an intense conference paper, and I've been sitting at home alone... bored.

Well, except for the night I danced until midnight at a postponed holiday party, or when I made vegan cuisine and played Wii with Ms. K, or when I hung out with Ms. L and her parents, or when I went to dinner with friends, or the game night a few weeks ago.

Then there are the days that I spend cooking, cleaning, and running errands, as well as the evenings working on my dissertation or projects for one of my two side jobs.

Okay, so I haven't exactly been twiddling my thumbs. However, I've really missed Lu.

We spent nearly two weeks with my family over the holidays, and we were together 24/7. We woke up, ate breakfast, went to the gym, ate lunch, studied, ate dinner, did whatever activity we had for the evening, and fell asleep in each other's arms.

We flew back from break on a Tuesday, and on Wednesday Lu was in the lab beginning to collect data for his paper.

I'd normally welcome this break after such an uninterrupted period of time together. In fact, the first night that I went to sleep alone, I spread out in the middle of the bed. The first afternoon one of my friends wanted to go shopping, I jumped at the opportunity for some guilt-free girl time. Even the first time that Lu climbed in bed at 1:00 am then jumped back out 15 minutes later because he had a "new idea for his experiment," I smiled at his passion.

By the second week, I just missed my man. Sure, we'd have breakfast together and talk about our plans for the day. However, that was pretty much it. He was in the lab from 9:30 am - 6:00 pm. When he came home for dinner, the fragmented conversation let me know that his mind was still at school. Then after dinner, he'd go back to the lab to research, run tests, crunch data, etc. until the early morning hours.

 But it was fine because this was a part of the PhD process, and there was an end in sight. Our plan was that he'd spend all night on Friday finishing the paper, and then the weekend would be ours. We'd cook breakfast together, do some furniture shopping, take a trip to the outlets, make love for hours, and fall asleep watching meaningless TV shows.

.... Until the paper's due date got pushed back two days.

Instead of spending Saturday night intertwined with Lu, I was alone until 5:00 am. In my head, this was okay. He was stressed and tired with a huge deadline looming over his head. In the near future, the roles would probably be reversed with me pulling all-nighters and him cuddling with our dog.

Besides, most women would be happy that their man was spending a Saturday night doing work -- not getting drunk, not partying it up, and not with someone else.

Nonetheless, there's a place where logic and emotions just don't quite meet. I came to this place on Sunday: our three-month anniversary.

Lu told me that he wasn't going into the lab, so I wanted to make our time together perfect. Long story short, I was driven over the edge somewhere between burnt blueberry pancakes and "...just because I'm not going to the lab doesn't mean I'm not going to work at all."

This was certainly a learning moment in our marriage. One that involved heated tempers, raised voices, and a thrown Snuggie, but a learning moment nonetheless: I can simultaneously understand my husband's workload and acknowledge that I miss him. He can simultaneously be up to his curly locks in data analysis and make an effort to be mentally-present during the few hours that he's able to spend with me.


It's natural to feel guilty, neglected, or selfish when the pressures of life detract from our time together. Once we start our careers and have children, I know that this is going to become even more of a reality. The key is to make the time that we spend with each other count. We have to be honest -- with each other and ourselves -- about what we need to do and how we want to feel.

It can't just be work or life. There truly does have to be a balance.

Lu and I have had a stressful week. School has been overwhelming for him and underwhelming for me, which has put both of us in a "what am I doing with my life" funk.

Up until this point, we've alternated our bad moods. When he's not feeling so great, I can calm him down or cheer him up. When I don't have the best attitude, he can make me smile or ignore me until I realize how childish I'm being.


With both of us tired and short-tempered, the last few days were full of bickering, snippy remarks, the cold shoulder, and a few temper tantrums (embarrassing, but true). In the interest of keeping our married life at least semi-private, I'm not going to go into the full details. However, just know that newlywed life was not all blue skies and sunshine.

Sure, we'd had some disagreements before this point. It's usually a case of over/under-sensitivity and being oblivious about crossing "the" line until the damage is done. In this case, the offended expresses their hurt, the offender apologizes, the offended accepts, and we discuss what we both could have done better.

This time, both of us committed two, big marital no-nos: being selfish and stubborn.

We've already acknowledged just how hard it is to live in this world of "we," but the rewards outweigh the hardships.

Somehow, we didn't remember that this time. In our pouting and pot banging, we forgot that a prideful "me" never feels as good as a happy "us."


Thank God we were able to put our differences -- and egos -- aside before any serious damage was done to our marriage. In fact, we both ended up laughing when we made up:

"It's all my fault."

"No, it's my fault." 

"No, really. Blame me. I'm the one who screwed up."

"But I screwed up more. You really needed me to understand where you were coming from this time."

"You needed me. I'm the one that dropped the ball."

And of course, we were able to enjoy one of the parts of marriage that I totally underestimated: makeup lovin' followed by freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. Neither made up for our arguing, but what a way to get back on track!

Viral Facebook status updates have been used primarily to spread awareness about breast cancer. Last year, women posted their current bra color in their status messages. While this year's message was about stating where they like to put their purse when they come home (i.e. "I like it on the counter, sofa, floor, etc.").

The goal is to encourage people to ask what the status means, and it eventually spreads the word about the real meaning behind the risqué status.

However, Facebook's most recent viral status update was a Q&A. Your friends could inbox you any question they wanted, and you would be required to answer it on your status message without revealing the identity of the person who asked.

Since I got a few questions about marriage, I figured that I would open this up on the blog. Ask Lu and/or me a question about the wedding or our marriage, and we'll answer!

You can comment on this post or send an email to ashleyandjeremy2010@gmail.com. We'll post the answers on Monday!

All images courtesy of Martin Studio Photography and video by 3 Blind Mice Productions.

It's officially been a month -- practically to the hour -- since Lu and I made our marriage covenant. Here's a video of the ceremony:



The first month of marriage has been fun! Romantic, humbling, a bit crazy at times... but what an amazing start to our journey. We each decided to share our top 5 lessons learned. We're sure there will be many, many more to come.

Val's Top 5

5) We have more in common than we thought, but Lu is definitely a guy.

We've bonded over learning to purposely cook lumpy cream of wheat (don't stir) and debating about the "best" Jelly Belly flavor -- fun, little quirks. However, some things I was not expecting from my sophisticated, intelligent, neat husband: he laughs when he passes gas loudly, loves "man" movies (Superbad, really?), and leaves the door open while doing #1 because it would be "rude" to interrupt our conversation. Hmmm, gotta love him.

4) It's easy to slip into "newlywed 15" habits.

Skipping the gym to cuddle for an extra hour, baking cookies and cobblers to make Lu smile, eating dinner at 9 pm, and don't get me started on the tapeworm in Lu's stomach! Eating every two hours may not affect him, but I've started to watch my waistline. So far, so good.

3) You CAN blend two styles -- and two closets -- into one condo.

Our place looks GREAT! Besides the decorating and rearranging, we've scoured home stores for creative storage idea. Everything (almost) has it's own bin, drawer, under-the-bed box, or basket.

2) Going to bed angry is pointless.

When you're not married, you can argue and not talk for a few days, or maybe even just break it off all together. When you're in it for the long-haul, it's not so easy to cut off someone who shares your bed, shower, office, and last name. Communication truly is key. We laughed when our counselors warned us about the "Why can't he/she read my mind?!" problem. It's real.

1) It's amazing knowing that I really have a BFF.

Best friends forever -- one month down, an eternity to go.

Lu's Top 5

5) Celibacy is worth it.

Married sex is amazing (it's a mind, body, spirit trifecta). There's no guilt, shame, or tarnished white robes (lol). Best of all married people openly talk about it -- especially church members! Every book on marriage that we have has at least one chapter devoted to sex, and one book is all about sex completely. Communication is important, but sex is right up there. In fact it's a perfect gauge of how well you communicate.

4) Selflessness is HARD!

You won't realize just how selfish you are until you get married. Praying together helps keep us on the same accord, but it's an adjustment to realize that nothing is about me anymore. It's all about us. Simply stated "I" no longer exist in vocabulary, whereas "us" and "we" get promoted to pronoun status.

3) You will spend more time in Bed, Bath, and Beyond than you ever have in your life.

At first, it was annoying when Val dragged me into Bed Bath and Beyond. Now I find myself looking at specs on humidifiers and researching vacuum cleaners. Don't sleep on the Shark. Yeah, it's purple; but it picks up everything.

2) A happy marriage = A happy wife

I could give you a mathematical proof for this, but it's best learned through experimental observation.

1) Marriage isn't an added responsibility. It's a lifestyle change.

Everything you do, or don't do for that matter, in some way, shape, form or fashion affects your wife and home. There's no clock to punch on this one. You're on call 24-7. No better yet you work the morning, day, night, and graveyard shifts...no holidays, paid leave, or sick leave. You work HR, accounting, marketing, and maintenance. And don't even think about a raise...in fact, it's like putting "return to sender" on your paychecks. Which leads me to best thing about marriage: the benefits. Yeah, you pour out a lot of yourself; but so does she. Why be selfish when there's someone who's willing to be selfless on your behalf? Marriage is like a marathon with no real end; stop focusing on the checkpoints, and enjoy the run.

I'm a huge fan of flying. However, given the price, luggage constraints, and my dog, I've become quite familiar with the Ohio and Pennsylvania Turnpikes over the last several years.

No matter how many times I make the drive between Maryland and Michigan alone or with Jeremy, I always get cranky between hours 3 and 4 -- butt's starting to get sore from sitting, not quite time to fill up the gas tank, food I ate before the trip is wearing off, and we're not even halfway to our destination. I developed a system to make this trip more pleasant for me... and whoever is unfortunate enough to be my riding companion.



First, I like to leave between 3 and 4 am. It sounds crazy, but it has a number of benefits. At the 3/4-hour mark, the radio morning shows start. Nothing like Steve Harvey and Russ Parr to give me a boost of energy.

Also, if I happen to be driving through some podunk town that doesn't have a good radio signal, there's a more natural energy-booster that helps at this point: the sunrise.

Second, I like to bring stuff to do or things to talk about during the drive. As I mentioned earlier, even after I make it through the almost-midway-lull, there's still more than half of the trip remaining. Some people listen to the radio, a CD, or their iPod, but I've found that good old-fashioned bonding activities keep me more focused.

On this trip, I brought along The Bride and Groom Challenge, a multiple-choice quiz book that I picked up at David's Bridal when I exchanged my dress. (Most wedding places will only give you store-credit, at best, when you return a wedding dress. Yes! I have the dress. More on that in a later post.)

The book is simple: answer 100 multiple choice questions about yourself, have your fiancé(e) do the same, compare answers, sign a contract, and the winner gets the prize of his or her choice: a romantic dinner, a massage, breakfast in bed, quality time, etc.


The book goes through some pretty basic questions about your partner, including their personality, talents, childhood/teenage years, school, work, favorite things, family, social life, food, travel, daily routine, and a series of questions that start with the ominous phrase, "Has he/she ever..."

For the most part, Lu and I were pretty neck-and-neck with right answers. The questions that tripped both of us up were:

#18) "What talent do we like most in the opposite sex?" Lu picked dancing, instead of kissing (the answer I picked for him). I picked creativity, instead of earning potential (the answer that he thought I'd choose).

#28) "If he broke something in the house when he was a child, he would...?" Both of us said we would tell our parents... both of us thought the other person would try to glue it back together!

#57) "Did he/she ever cheat on an exam?" We both have cheated once when we were desperate... neither of us got caught.

In the end, I got 86 questions correct, beating Lu by a mere 2 points. More importantly, we occupied ourselves for a few hours on our long ride back to Maryland.

Normally, I go straight to bed when I get home, but we had to make a few stops first to see our photographer and to choose our wedding cake! More on these topics next....

Me: I don't want a long engagement. Can you imagine how crazy it'd be to plan a wedding over the school year?

Lu: Yeah, and it's not like we'd be able to save a lot more money if we waited until next year.

Me: Besides, all the big decisions have to be made in the next few months anyway.

Lu: True, and I really want to start our life together. Being engaged is fun, but it's not exactly the end goal.

Me: But if we get married too soon, everyone's going to think I'm pregnant.

Lu: We'll just tell them we're celibate.... They'll understand!

Even though Lu was joking, there's definitely some truth to his statement. Although there are fewer shotgun weddings than there used to be -- a combination of both lower failure rates for birth control and a greater acceptance of unwed mothers -- it's pretty much understood that everyone is having sex. Even if two people aren't in love or even in a relationship, there's the assumption that a man and a woman who are attracted to each other are sleeping together.

This isn't the case. Lu and I aren't virgins, but both of us decided that sex is something that should be saved for marriage. I used to feel odd about our celibacy. I'm a very outspoken person about my relationship with Lu and my life in general. However, when it came to the topic of sex, I was always very careful how I mentioned our sex life, or lack thereof.

I found myself rambling off a list of ready-made excuses as to why we weren't sleeping together, "It's not that we're not attracted to each other, but we're just kinda saving ourselves for marriage because, um, that's what you're supposed to do as a Christian. You know, you go to church, right? They always say that.... And it's not like it's absolutely horrible to wait. We still kiss and hold each other and stuff. It can be tough sometimes, but I think this will make our relationship stronger because, um, it just shows our love is deeper than sex. You know?.... Yeah, we're celibate."

In the beginning of our relationship, this awkward speech was partly to convince myself that celibacy actually was okay.  That is was normal and good for our closeness and romantic gestures to actually come from a place of love, instead of a haze of lust. In theory, it was definitely the way to go. In practice, there were times when I could identify with Jill Scott's "Celibacy Blues" more than I ever thought I would.

Sure enough, as our relationship has progressed, celibacy truly has helped us in a number of ways.

For instance, communication. When we argue, we can't just hop in the sack to make it all better. We actually have to talk out what's bothering us until we solve the problem. Crazy thought, huh?

Then there's the romance factor that I mentioned earlier. He brings me fresh flowers almost every week, I'll massage his shoulders after a rough day, and we have candlelit dinners because we truly enjoy each other -- not because there's an expectation that it's going to lead to the bedroom.

Most importantly, I know that our connection isn't just based off of infatuation or pheromones.  Once our bodies physically start to change, our deeper attraction will remain.

 Obviously, I've gotten more comfortable and more bold discussing my celibate relationship. I've found out that -- surprise, surprise -- we're not the only ones. Ironically (or not), most of my friends in happy relationships and marriages are/were celibate, and the ones with the most drama are having the "best sex ever." I've fallen into that trap before, too. Great sex does not equal a great relationship! In fact, sleeping with someone too soon can ruin the potential for something special.

There are even a number of celibate celebrities, including Lady Gaga (yikes). Unfortunately, most of these celebs are just taking a break from sex, instead of waiting until marriage. While it's not an ideal, it's nice to know that there are public figures who are not promoting rampant sex.


This isn't to totally discount love-making. I certainly look forward to the day when sex will enhance our marriage. As one newlywed friend said, "Marriage is hard work, but it's beautiful. Even more beautiful when you built the relationship not based on the physical. But trust, the physical aspects are definitely the icing on the cake!"

Lu and I had a great pre-marital counseling session with the couple from our church in Michigan. Our discussion was based on The First Years of Forever by Ed Wheat and Gloria Perkins, and the topic was conflict resolution and communication. These topics go hand in hand because pretty much all conflict -- whether in a marriage or not -- stems from communication, or more accurately, miscommunication.

Communication is one of those huge words that can mean anything and encompass everything, so the couple mostly focused on two words that can wreak havoc in a marriage:"Yes, but...."

The phrase itself is an oxymoron. "Yes" means that you agree, while "but" indicates that you do not. While the phrase is often used to soften a rebuttal, in actuality, it negates everything the other person just said!

Instead of breaking out the conversation-killer, couples should try to use phrases like:

"I see what you mean."

"I hadn't thought of that."

If you really don't agree, then you should point out specifically where you differ:

"I agree with what you said about x, y, and z. I think about a, b, and c a little differently than you do."

Or you can pull out the old peer-mediation technique of repeating what the other person told you in your own words:


"Just to make sure I understand where you're coming from, you're saying...."

I like the third technique for two reasons. First, it requires you to actually listen to what the other person said and process it enough to put it in your own terms. Most of the time, we're so worried about proving our point and putting together our argument, that we don't even hear what the other person is saying -- much less truly listen.

In addition, while "Yes, but" is dismissive, the last suggestion makes the other person feel validated. Oftentimes, we just want to know that the person that we're speaking to is paying attention.

Remember those first few dates you had with your partner? How engaged you were in the conversation? How you were just as, if not more, invested in soaking up everything he or she said as you were in talking about yourself? That should be enhanced in marriage.

Everyone knows how to build strong communication, but we tend to slack off when it comes to maintaining it. Listening to your partner and letting your partner know that you do really care is how you can keep communication strong.

I'm an ESTJ, and Lu's an ENFP.  This either sounds like gibberish, or you know where this post is going.