Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Am I THAT Predictable?!
www.tips-fb.com ~* Ash *~
Over the weekend, Lu and I went to a conference together. Unlike our va-conferences -- where one of us works and plays and the other mostly just plays -- this event was one of those rare, cross-disciplinary occasions, where both of us were firmly in our developing scholar roles.

At dinner, I leaned over and whispered in Lu's ear, "I think you're the sexiest guy in this room."

To which he confidently replied, "Even more than that guy right behind me?"

Ironically, I'd actually checked out the "guy right behind him" during dinner and thought, "Hmmm, if I were single and Lu wasn't here, I'd definitely try to find an opportunity to flirt with him."

In fact, the guy had even approached the dessert table when I was there; and over a brief exchange about cheesecake, I was thinking, "Yep, single Val sooo would've given him a business card."

Therefore, when Lu brought up this guy confidently (and even with a smile), my jaw dropped! My thoughts raced, "How the heck could he know what I was thinking? Did he see us talking earlier? Was I flirting with the guy?! Oh, no! I thought I'd put away the unintentional flirting. Darn it, darn it! I need to work harder."

When I asked Lu how he'd picked this guy out of the 200-person crowd, he mentioned that I have a very distinct type. Lu and I received our undergrad degrees from pretty much the same place. Even though we didn't know each other, he knew, knew of, and/or even had classes with a few of the guys that I dated. The other guys, he'd seen pictures of on Facebook. (Gotta love Facebook.)

Yeah, awkward.

Lu described my type as, "Smart."

Okay, well, everyone at the conference was getting a PhD, so that one was pretty easy.

Then he elaborated, "Not just smart, but not afraid to be smart. But not like a nerd either. Like he'll be attractive and almost have swag, but it's still kinda awkward. Like 'Yeah, I'm intelligent, I'm attractive, I'm confident... now.' You like those well-rounded guys that have evolved. Other women might notice them, but you'll be drawn to them. Yep, I know my wife."

And he surely does. Okay, whatever. Maybe this does describe most of the guys that I dated and definitely men that I really liked. However, how did he pick this guy out of a crowd?

"Because he's the kind of guy that I'd make friends with if I were alone at this conference."

To which I replied, "So, you think I'd date your friends?"

Lu immediately said no but paused, "You definitely wouldn't date my friends, but at a place like this, I think we're attracted to the same people. Not attracted, like that, but you know. Like if it were a woman with the same characteristics, you'd probably try to strike up a conversation. But since it's a guy..."

"So, you think we have the same type?"

"In a sense, yeah. I'd notice him and make friends. You'd notice him and flirt... well, you would have if you weren't married."

Okay, I can see that. Interestingly enough, I think it's actually a good thing that my husband and I are drawn to the same types of people. It's weird and a bit unnerving, but it's also pretty cool to be married for almost a year and find out that we're compatible in yet another way.
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Every "Single" Girl's Checklist
www.tips-fb.com ~* Ash *~
Over the last few weeks, I've had some friends send me an article entitled, "36 Things Every Single Girl Must Do Before She Settles Down" by Erin Meanley, a blogger for Glamour. Their next question is something like, "Soo, have you checked everything off??"

I'm proud to say that I've done 33/36 things.

Nonetheless, what truly makes me happy is not what I've already accomplished, but it's that I've found a man that encourages me to do everything on the list (except for anything that involves dating someone else, of course) and more.

Being single was great and certain things can only be appreciated when you've already been there and done that alone. However, getting married doesn't have to mean settling down.

The word "settling" has such negative connotations that aren't necessarily true. Marriage shouldn't mean sacrificing your goals or limiting your dreams. Marriage is a choice that you make that opens up different doors and opportunities. In fact, if you find the right partner, marriage means that the two of you will lift each other up as you grow together.

Besides my gripe about the word choice in the title, I think the following list, copied directly from Erin's blog that I linked above, is really great for every single woman (whether they're romantically "single" or not) to check out:

To Build Your Confidence...

1. Go to a movie alone.

2. Lift weights. When I bench-press 45 lbs., I feel like the bomb.

3. Try surfing, water-skiing, or some activity you don’t already know how to do. Could be riding a bicycle.

4. Take out the trash, set a mousetrap, do your taxes, build a bookcase.

5. Live alone, or at least move apartments in NYC without the help of family.

6. Train for (and finish) a huge physical test like a half-marathon.

7. Go to a scary doctor’s appointment by yourself. I once dragged myself to a CAT Scan in the dead of winter, all the way over on 1st Ave., post-break-up. I felt like I had balls of steel.

8. Quit your job. It feels so good to take a job and shove it (and not be affecting anyone else’s livelihood).

9. Fly to a foreign country by yourself. I was nervous on my first solo trip to Europe, even though I almost always have to travel alone.

10. Learn to stand up for yourself. (If you’re not naturally assertive, may I recommend moving to New York City? It did wonders for me.)

To Be Able to Look Back and Say “I Had Fun”…

11. Witness something once-in-a-lifetime, like Jokulsarlon, a lake next to a melting glacier in Iceland (see photo).

12. Revel in being able to watch all the reality TV you want. I’m pretty sure no man will be able to stand as much Bravo TV as my roommate Erica.

13. Get drunk during the day, just because you can. Attend Santacon, the convention for santas, or similar.

14. Go on a date with someone who actually makes you nervous.

15. Go out with an older man who takes you somewhere nice and makes you feel like a million bucks.

16. Go out with a guy who makes you laugh ‘til it hurts.


To Get Perspective…

17. Be a good wingwoman. It’s not always about you.

18. Chill with your widowed and single grandma. She knows “alone”!

19. Volunteer.


To Make You Appreciate the Next Guy…

20. Do at least one Valentine’s Day alone.

21. Attend a wedding (or 15) alone.

22. Date the creeps. You’ll really value the nice guys afterward.


To Make You Feel Sexy and Attractive…

23. Buy yourself some flowers.

24. Invest in a LBD (little black dress) and some sexy stilettos.

25. Sit at a bar by yourself and drink a martini. Cool.

26. Buy something frivolous and expensive that you LOVE wearing.


To Make the Most of Your Free Time…

27. Finish all your schooling if you can. Not that it was ever my goal to go to grad school, but I did, and it would’ve been tough dragging a guy up to isolated New Hampshire and making him sit there in the cold for two years while I studied (and partied).

28. Throw yourself into something time-consuming, like learning a foreign language. You may not have time to do this again until you retire and the kids are off to college.


To Make Yourself a Better Partner in the Future…

29. Make a list of all your faults.

30. Learn to cook well. I’m still working on this.

31. Get some hobbies. Something’s gotta keep you occupied—plus it’ll make you seem interesting.

32. Let your married friends edit your online dating profile. My dear friend Cheryl has caught a few doozies.

33. Get your finances in order.


To Appreciate Being Single…

34. Babysit someone’s baby for an hour.

35. Help a friend through her divorce or a bad break-up.

36. Host a girls-only night. I think some coupled-up women forget how much we need each other.


My exceptions are:

-- I have not purchased something expensive and frivolous that I love wearing, but I am the QUEEN of the clearance sale. If I get something expensive and frivolous, it's also 75% off. (#26)

-- I have not finished all my schooling, but I'm getting a PhD. I think I can get an exception to that one. (#27)

-- I have not let my married friends edit my online dating profile. Mostly because I didn't have any close, married friends in Ann Arbor while I was dating... and because I only had an eHarmony profile during one of those "free communication" weekends. (#32)

Other than that, the only things that I can think of adding to this list are that every single woman should:

37) Cut off your cell phone, unplug you laptop, and enjoy a day (or weekend) totally alone.

38) Learn to love and appreciate your body and overall appearance.

39) Grow/Nurture something -- flowers, herbs, a pet (even goldfish count).

40) Get over all of your exes.


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The Other Side: The End of Dating
www.tips-fb.com ~* Ash *~
When Lu and I brought our decision to marry to our parents, my soon-to-be mother-in-law told us, "Honey, you can always move forward into marriage; but once you're married, you can't go back to dating... even each other!"

As a reformed serial dater, it's kind of disconcerting to realize that I'll never have another first date again. To Lu, this is a relief. He's not exactly the smooth, "here's a pick-up line and a cocktail" type of guy, which is one reason why I fell for him. The whole dating dance was always stressful.

On the other hand, I found dating fun -- especially first dates. To give you a brief background of my love life, I had a pretty destructive, dysfunctional five-year relationship with my high school "sweetheart." When we finally split for good, I realized just how great it was to be free from the stress of a relationship. I truly loved being single.

However, it was a challenge to stay single because there was always someone interested in getting to know me better. It wasn't like I was looking for anyone. Men would just kinda pop up.

I'd meet a friend-of-a-friend at a get-together, a happy hour, at church, or just hanging out. We'd end up having a nice conversation; and a few days later, one of my girlfriends (usually Mrs. R) would say, "Remember so-and-so? Y'all were chatting it up last Saturday? Well, he asked about you, and he's such a great guy, so I gave him your number/email address/AIM screen name. I know you're doing this single-thing or whatever, but one date won't hurt -- just to see what he's like."

And sooo, I became the queen of first dates. I'd go out with a guy, and sometimes it was immediately obvious that we just wouldn't work out. I actually enjoyed this outcome -- I'd get a free meal and a new friend.

Other times, we'd click perfectly -- which put me into a semi-panic because I was never sure if I was really ready to get into a relationship. Actually, I was pretty sure that I wasn't, so I'd end up a) ignoring the poor guy, b) purposely trying to drive him away, or c) giving a half-hearted effort at trying to make it work in a weird, 3-6 month pseudo-relationship where we look, act, and talk like a couple without the "titles."

Clearly, I shouldn't have been dating.

Why was I? Well, blame it on curiosity, boredom, or social norms, but it was really hard to turn down dinner and a movie with a nice, handsome, intelligent man with a quirky sense of humor, shy smile, and great potential for success.

In the long run, dating actually helped heal the wounds of my past relationship. Instead of becoming jaded and cynical, I realized that good guys did exist. There were not only plenty of fish in the sea, but there was an entire ocean of men who weren't possessive, manipulative, jealous, rude, coasting through life, etc. I had an amazing time meeting new people and wondering about the potential that I could have with them.

Another benefit of both my long-term relationship and serial dating, was that I could quickly identify the qualities that I didn't want. I could easily spot men who were arrogant, self-absorbed, full of lies and excuses, playing the field, wanted a trophy instead of a partner, or conversely more interested in my résumé than me (i.e. "I'm smart and hot, you're smart and hot. Let's be a super-couple, and take over the world! Then we'll pass it on to our genetically and financially gifted children to continue our legacy of domination.").... Um, no thanks.

When I met Lu, I'd come across a lot of guys who made me feel beautiful, intelligent, funny, sexy, and even adored. However, dating Lu brought a new feeling that I had never experienced in my first dates or my awkward pseudo-relationships: safety.

I didn't recognize what this feeling was until our first pre-marital counseling session with the late Apostle Robert Hill and his wife Pastor Barbara Hill. They asked us both a seemingly simple question, "How do you know you love the other person?"

We launched into long monologues about the big feelings and the small details that let us know that what we were feeling was true love. We discussed what made this relationship special, and we tried to put into words why this was different than anything we'd experienced before.

After we'd poured out our feelings, Apostle Hill said, in his soft-spoken yet direct way, "It's rare for people, especially men, to be able to go into such detail about why they love someone. Two things that I heard from you that make me convinced that you're going into marriage for the right reasons are that Ashley makes you feel worthy and Jeremy makes you feel safe. Those are the cornerstone for any successful marriage."

Safe? Hmmm, well I guess that was true. As a woman who prides herself on independence, I realized that I'd grown to trust Lu to take care of me. Not to totally take over my life, but I didn't mind him stepping in where he was needed.

When I had surgery last year, he was there. When my car needed to be fixed, he articulated the problem to the mechanic naturally. When I was stressed about prelims, he would come over and cook dinner, walk Maggie, or just bring me bubble tea to help me through. I didn't rely on Lu to do these things, but I felt comfortable handing him the reins.

The topic of safety and security came up in our other counseling sessions often. I realized that this was the one thing that I'd never felt in other relationships. The one thing that sent me running after the first date. I never felt that I could not only let my guard down, but also let someone else take control of something that was "mine" and truly integrate him into my life.

Sure, I'll miss the coquettish flirting and the witty charm that comes with those first few dates. I'll miss the slight hesitation that comes with a guy reaching for my hand for the first time or putting an arm around my shoulder. I feel slightly disappointed when someone smiles at me from across the room, and then his gaze drops to my left hand and he moves on. (Although, the ring check is honestly a pretty cool experience, too.)

Nonetheless, there's nobody who I'd rather date than Lu. Nobody whose shoulder is the perfect resting place for my head. Nobody who I can make up random words and be completely goofy with on an otherwise normal day. Nobody who I'd rather dress up and put on perfume for before we go out. Nobody who I could see myself waking up next to at 65 and still thinking he's the most handsome man in the world, even with a potbelly, bifocals, and gray hair.

Lu is my best friend, my refuge, and the man who makes me confident that the giddiness and the fun of a million first dates are nothing compared to a lifetime with someone who knows me -- even the not so witty and charming parts -- and loves me for it.
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Who is Lu Valentine?
www.tips-fb.com ~* Ash *~
He's Lu, I'm Valentine -- Val for short, and we're... pretty corny but happy.


Us at Nichols Arboretum, October 2008

Like most interesting love stories, Jeremy* and I did not fall in love at first sight. We had many stops, starts, and missed connections before we eventually became Lu Valentine. This is our story (so far).

Basic Background
Jeremy and I went to Morehouse College and Spelman College, respectively. They are two, small, single-sex, liberal arts HBCUs in Atlanta that are literally a parking garage away from each other. We both started attending school in Michigan in 2006. He came to finish his Dual-BS degree, and I entered a doctoral program. We had lots of friends in common, but we didn't know each other in Atlanta or during our first year in Michigan.

The Way We Met -- His Version (October 2007)
We were at a mutual friend's party. Jeremy comes over and "joins" a conversation that I'm having with a friend. After introductions, I proceeded to be curt with him and disregard his attempt to be friendly, so he decided to chat with my friend. (Note: I do vaguely remember a rude guy at the alleged party interrupting a conversation and ignoring me to flirt with my friend. I plead the fifth on my behavior towards him.)

The Way We Met -- My Version (November 2007)
I went out dancing with friends. I was being introduced to a group of people when Jeremy chimes in and says, "Ohhh, you're the girl who threw that murder mystery party for your birthday. I saw all of the pictures online. That looked like a lot of fun." The next day, he emailed me and apologized for seeming like a stalker. I was actually pretty flattered, and it didn't hurt that he was cute.

How About a Pick-up line? (December 2007)
Another mutual friend had a get-together at the end of the semester. This time, Jeremy decided to be more bold. He came over to me, leaned in, and said in very smooth voice, "So Ms. Ashley, how would a lowly undergrad like myself begin to make the acquaintance of a sophisticated graduate student like you?"

I raised my eyebrows and smiled, then gave a pretty straightforward answer -- something along the lines of just being himself. To which he hurriedly replied, "Oh, okay. Thanks." Then he walked away.

At this point a friend who'd been listening said, "Did he just refer to himself as a 'Lowly Undergrad'? Let's call him Lu for short."

Valentine's Day Application (February 2008)
A few months later, we were in the middle of a new semester. I was tired of school and not looking forward to spending Valentine's Day alone, so I jokingly put up a Facebook status that said I was accepting applications for Valentine's Day.

Lu made a comment about my status, and we went back and forth on each other's walls for a few days. During this time, he began to tell his best friend about me using the pseudonym "Valentine."

At 12:04 am on February 14, he posted on my wall, "Is it too late... I mean, it's postmarked the 13th... how about some 'Everything But The' to go with the completed app... lol"

We went on our first date on February 20, 2008, nearly four months after our initial meeting. The conversation flowed so naturally that we spent nearly three hours in a coffee shop and completely forgot to order coffee! We then began to see each other at least once a week for the rest of the semester. Although we had a lot in common and tons of fun together, our relationship was purely platonic.

Friends Across the Globe (April - September 2008)
I must admit, the platonic relationship frustrated me. He was flirtatious, but I got nothing more than a goodnight hug from him in the two months following our first date. When the the summer came, I was off to Washington, DC for an internship; while he was on his way to China to do research. Our only connection was chatting online.

Despite the 12-hour time difference, Lu and I managed to communicate every day. If we weren't chatting, we were leaving messages. We had deep conversations about our strengths and weaknesses, dreams and fears, and friends and family.

I realized I'd fallen in love with Lu when I feigned sickness and left a date early... just so I could sit at my computer waiting for him to message me. Although we were just friends at this point, I knew that he would play a special role in my future.

Our SpelHouse-UMich Love (October 5, 2008-Present)
A month after we both returned to Michigan, we decided to make our relationship official. During these last 18 months, we have had some great moments: graduations, meeting each other's families, joining a church together, and lots of traveling. We've also had some stressful times: applying to graduate school, studying for qualifying exams, having a three-month long-distance relationship, and even a few health scares.

Through it all, we have remained committed to each other, and I am confident that Lu Valentine will continue to blossom and flourish.

*I wasn't going to use our real names in this blog, but I figured that Ashley and Jeremy are both common enough to provide some degree of anonymity.



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