Today was our first wedding anniversary. Wow! I still can't believe that it's been a year since Lu and I said, "I do."

Since we're going to Seattle in a few weeks, we decided to have a low-key celebration: get dressed up, enjoy a nice dinner, catch a funny movie, and end the night with... well, you can figure out how married folks end their anniversary!

Instead, I'm laying on the sleeper sofa in the living room and writing a blog post. How did this happen?!

Well, Lu was feeling queasy last night, so we went to bed a little early. He didn't have an appetite this morning, so we decided to skip the gym. He felt weak after church, so he decided to take a nap. A fever, chills, a bowl of chicken noodle soup, several cups of tea, and too many hours of junk television later... we decided to call it a night on the couch. (I refuse to have a television in the bedroom. Since we're already so "cozy," we didn't see the point in moving.)

At first, I was totally selfless. My husband's sick. I nurse him back to health. I didn't even understand why he felt bad for "messing up" our plans. I love him, he needs me, and that's all that matters. The Melting Pot will be there another day.

Then after walking the dog, doing the dishes, deciding to fold laundry, writing cover letters for job applications, and checking out a few new apps for my iPhone, I hear Lu say five words that totally changed my perspective, "I'm feeling so much better."

Instead of happiness, my first instinct was frustration. Really? I spend our anniversary wearing stretch pants and folding towels for him to decide that he's feeling better? And 30 minutes after I eat leftovers?! What the heck, he never even gets sick anyway! Today, of all days, he decides to succumb to some random stomach virus, and I spend the day running around like a nursemaid. Now I'm tired, and his sickness is just over???

I didn't say any of this out loud. (See? I have learned a lot in this year of marriage!) However, I had to mentally check myself real quick: Lu and I were able to spend the entire day together. We woke up together, we showered together (well, we did), we went to church and worshipped together, and we lounged on the couch all day long.

As I imagine our future, I'm sure there'll be anniversaries where I'm pregnant and moody, where one or both of us is working late, where we'll be at a dance recital or a football game for the kids, where we'll be traveling for a conference, or when any of life's other commitments get in the way.... And then there'll be the anniversaries where only one of us is alive on this earth to remember the love that we shared.

Only God knows what's in store; but thinking about what the future will likely hold, I'm sure that I'll long for the day when I can go to bed on a sleeper sofa listening to my almost-100%-healthy Lu snore softly beside me with Maggie curled up at our feet.

This has been an amazing anniversary. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be cuddling with my husband for the rest of the night.

Over the weekend, Lu and I went to a conference together. Unlike our va-conferences -- where one of us works and plays and the other mostly just plays -- this event was one of those rare, cross-disciplinary occasions, where both of us were firmly in our developing scholar roles.

At dinner, I leaned over and whispered in Lu's ear, "I think you're the sexiest guy in this room."

To which he confidently replied, "Even more than that guy right behind me?"

Ironically, I'd actually checked out the "guy right behind him" during dinner and thought, "Hmmm, if I were single and Lu wasn't here, I'd definitely try to find an opportunity to flirt with him."

In fact, the guy had even approached the dessert table when I was there; and over a brief exchange about cheesecake, I was thinking, "Yep, single Val sooo would've given him a business card."

Therefore, when Lu brought up this guy confidently (and even with a smile), my jaw dropped! My thoughts raced, "How the heck could he know what I was thinking? Did he see us talking earlier? Was I flirting with the guy?! Oh, no! I thought I'd put away the unintentional flirting. Darn it, darn it! I need to work harder."

When I asked Lu how he'd picked this guy out of the 200-person crowd, he mentioned that I have a very distinct type. Lu and I received our undergrad degrees from pretty much the same place. Even though we didn't know each other, he knew, knew of, and/or even had classes with a few of the guys that I dated. The other guys, he'd seen pictures of on Facebook. (Gotta love Facebook.)

Yeah, awkward.

Lu described my type as, "Smart."

Okay, well, everyone at the conference was getting a PhD, so that one was pretty easy.

Then he elaborated, "Not just smart, but not afraid to be smart. But not like a nerd either. Like he'll be attractive and almost have swag, but it's still kinda awkward. Like 'Yeah, I'm intelligent, I'm attractive, I'm confident... now.' You like those well-rounded guys that have evolved. Other women might notice them, but you'll be drawn to them. Yep, I know my wife."

And he surely does. Okay, whatever. Maybe this does describe most of the guys that I dated and definitely men that I really liked. However, how did he pick this guy out of a crowd?

"Because he's the kind of guy that I'd make friends with if I were alone at this conference."

To which I replied, "So, you think I'd date your friends?"

Lu immediately said no but paused, "You definitely wouldn't date my friends, but at a place like this, I think we're attracted to the same people. Not attracted, like that, but you know. Like if it were a woman with the same characteristics, you'd probably try to strike up a conversation. But since it's a guy..."

"So, you think we have the same type?"

"In a sense, yeah. I'd notice him and make friends. You'd notice him and flirt... well, you would have if you weren't married."

Okay, I can see that. Interestingly enough, I think it's actually a good thing that my husband and I are drawn to the same types of people. It's weird and a bit unnerving, but it's also pretty cool to be married for almost a year and find out that we're compatible in yet another way.

It's the end of the summer, and Lu and I just came back from a two-week road trip after my last day of full-time work in the Dean's Office at my Graduate School. (Sad, sad day. I loved my job and the people I worked with even more!)

Our journey took us from Michigan, to Lu's hometown in South Carolina, to Myrtle Beach for Lu's Birthday, to my hometown in Maryland, and back. So something like this:



If hours.... days... in the car weren't enough of a stressor, we also scheduled our route at the same time that Hurricane Irene decided to plan her trip up the East Coast. And just as my parents in Maryland were worried about me in South Carolina, they had that random earthquake. Then Irene took a diversion and was also headed for them!

But let's back up a bit. The car ride was actually pretty cool. We were able to read one of our wedding gifts from Mrs. R, The 10 Best Decisions a Couple Can Make by Bill and Pam Farrel. This was an awesome way to take up hours (and hours) of time with reading and discussion. Even Maggie mostly behaved -- just a little whining. The canine version of "Are we there yet?!"

I'll give you the highlights of our trip:

• Grandma teaching me how to cook okra and beans for a dinner with the extended family.

• Holding Lu's newest cousin -- I have to confess to feeling maternal urges. Still totally not on the baby train yet, but holding one was amazing. 

• Spending time with Lu's parents and his mom's best friend (college roommates!) at the beach over Lu's birthday.

• Hanging out with my family without electricity post-Irene. Okay, maybe not a highlight but certainly unforgettable.

• Checking out the Patuxent Wine Trail in Southern Maryland.

• Spending time at the MLK Memorial.

• Lu's surprise birthday party, thrown by my parents -- mostly my mother who made him one of her delicious poundcakes.

Lu and I are celebrating 10 months of marriage today!

While this is a happy occasion for us, more than one person has said, "Wow. You really count months of marriage? That's... cute."

I'm never quite sure how to react to this response. No, we haven't been together for any major milestones, however I personally think every month, every week, and even every day that you spend with the person you love is something to celebrate.



Who doesn't love sharing dessert?

Nonetheless, expressing love is apparently not normal -- or only normal in a certain context: Just started a relationship? Snuggling is totally acceptable. Just got engaged? Walking arm in arm makes sense. Newlyweds? Of course you can kiss in public. Been together for more than 35 years?! Then you can do whatever the heck you want!


But what about the people who are happy in their relationships just because they're happy in their relationships? What's our "excuse" for minor PDAs?

Lu and I are actually still this happy 10 months later -- without the car, the tux, or the dress.

Last week, one of my Facebook friends put up a status message about how he can't stand when couples sit on the same side of the booth at a restaurant because it "looks codependent."

... Over a dozen people liked this status message. Really?! When did people become so bitter that seeing others who look content - or God-forbid - genuinely enjoying time with their significant other bothers them?

One of his friends commented that she didn't care how it looked because between work and dealing with her kids, she didn't have the time to express her love for her husband the way she wants to. If all she can get is a few minutes of shoulder touching at a restaurant, then she's going to take advantage of it.

I totally sympathize with this point. Call us codependent or say that this is just the "newlywed phase," I make no apologies for any of the romantic things that I do.

If you don't think THIS is cute, please seek professional help.

This morning has been ROUGH! I almost forgot my lunch in the refrigerator at home. Then I broke out in hives while walking from the bus to work because of an allergic reaction to my socks (...really?!). Finally, safe at my desk, I just hit my funny bone and spilled hot tea on my shirt.

Normally, this would be my breaking point. I have a short temper and am a recovering potty mouth. I would stomp off to the bathroom to wring out my shirt, swearing at it and myself the entire time. I would angrily pour out the remainder of my tea, flop back in my chair, and spend the rest of the day daring any other thing to upset me -- websites taking too long to load, cold fries at lunch, a late bus this afternoon, Maggie not going to potty when I take her out. 

Yep, I am the queen of making a bad day worse.

Although that first has been powerful on its own, my eyes drifted up a few lines this morning to verses 19-21: "The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God."

Whoa, now I can focus on being kind and gentle all I want, but does that really matter if the occasional "fit of rage" slips in?

Sooo this morning, I thanked God that I was able to get my lunch and still catch the bus, that there is a CVS near work where I could buy Benadryl to help with my itching, and finally that I wore a camisole under my shirt and keep a sweater in the closet to change into until my shirt dries. Life really isn't as much about what happens to us as how we respond to it.

Last week, Lu and I literally saw a cloud with a silver lining. Despite the large, gloomy mass of the cloud, our eyes were immediately drawn to that thin, glowing strip of light peeking out from underneath. Can you imagine what life would be like if it were that easy to look at our own silver lining?



It sounds cheesy, I know. And of course, everyone has a right to their own feelings. However, I've wasted more hours than I want to count being angry, rude, or feeling just plain wronged. Nothing good has ever come out of those moments. When I even think of how many hours I've basically lost to anger or stress when I could have just acknowleged those feelings and moved on, it's literally sickening.... To end with another cliche, I've decided to make an active effort to let go, and let God.

It's happened to another one of my married friends. After a long discussion, Mrs. R's husband packed up his stuff, headed to another state, and got his own apartment. While he moved away from their house, their dog, and their life as they knew it; she turned to her mother and friends for support and comfort. There was stress and tears on both sides, but they know that it's for the best.... After all, she'll be joining him in about a year.

Okay, so maybe they aren't exactly "separated" in the traditional sense of the word. He got his dream job, and she hasn't found an opportunity in that area yet. Instead of leaving her current teaching position a month before school starts, she's going to do her own job search and hopes to find something by next summer.

Living apart for a bit will be stressful and difficult. However, only having one income in an expensive city with few friends and no family has its own set of problems. In their situation, they decided that it just makes more sense to go their separate ways (for now).


They're not the only ones that I know who are "happily separated." Long-distance marriages are becoming more common these days. The proverbial picket fence has expanded across state and country borders between the tough economy, existence of two-income households, ease of transportation, advancements in communication, and the professional culture of several industries.

I have another friend with a baby whose husband is halfway across the world in the military. A co-worker and her husband left their honeymoon and went back to live in different countries. My "buddy" at the consultant firm where I will be applying in the fall spends half the week away from home, while her husband takes care of their toddler. In fact, I just met a newlywed who will be doing a post-doc in Michigan while her husband is in school 500+ miles away.

I'm torn about the situation. Lu and I were apart for four months while we were dating. We texted and emailed all day, video-chatted every night, cuddled with our namesakes -- created at Build-a-Bear -- when we went to sleep, and managed to see each other about every three weeks. We did what we could to make the best of the situation, but there were some things that we missed: cooking together, lazy Saturdays, goodnight kisses, etc. In addition, our lives were disconnected. He didn't know all of the people that I was meeting at work. I wasn't there when he hung out with labmates and friends.

We were still together, but we were building separate lives. This was hard enough to handle while we were dating, but it's a huge "no-no" when it comes to married life. Once you take those vows, you're together. You are one. Period.

However, does this mean that one spouse should totally uproot their comfortable life while the other pursues a short-term opportunity? Conversely, should the spouse with the opportunity turn down a chance to go after his or her passion? What effect will the resulting anger, resentment, financial hardships, etc. have on the quality of married life?

When I finish my degree, my goal is to get an administrative job at the university where I am currently a student. (Whew! Yes, I just put my goal out there.) With that said, I'll still be pursuing other local opportunities that fit with my skills and interests. I'm not even thinking about going after jobs that will put distance between Lu and me. Buuutt that doesn't mean that the perfect, out-of-state, career opportunity won't land in my lap. Nor does it mean that I wouldn't take said opportunity if that's the best option available.

I think the answer lies in open communication and dedication to the relationship. A marriage can fall apart with two people living under the same roof and sharing a bed every night. Long-distance marriages are tough. Even when you make the best of the situation, they're not fun. They're not romantic. They're not what most people dream of when they say "I do."

However, they can work. If Lu and I agree that a short-term opportunity is good for the betterment of our future, then it's at least worth a shot.

I'm a quote-collector. I'm big on pithy, powerful messages that make me feel good about myself, my endeavors, my place in the universe, etc. Lu and I start most of our mornings with a daily inspirational quote, and my just because gift has gotten both of us through some tough days!

One quote that I found a few years ago has been particularly meaningful to me: "She wasn't where she had been. She wasn't where she was going... but she was on her way."

I came across this quote while looking for a gift for my mother on one of those websites that sells whimsical, unique items. It stood out to me because I had just finished the requirements for my masters degree, recently met Lu, and was thinking about leaving my Phd program.

I didn't know the author, and I didn't know where it came from. It just spoke to me. I'd come a long way from Calvert County, MD; however, I had no idea where the next stop on my journey would be. Moreover, I didn't even know where my journey was going to take me. I was just "on my way."

Three years later -- with a degree, a marriage, and a few dissertation chapters under my belt -- I find myself on my way again. I had the urge to know who said this quote that spoke to my life at each fork in the road. It turns out that these few lines are just the beginning of a longer message by Jodi Hills, an artist and author:


"She wasn't where she had been. She wasn't where she was going…but she was on her way. And on her way she enjoyed food that wasn't fast, friendships that held, hearts glowing, hearts breaking, smiles that caught tears, paths trudged and alleys skipped. And on her way she no longer looked for the answers, but held close the two things she knew for sure. One, if a day carried strength in the morning, peace in the evening, and a little joy in between, it was a good one…and two, you can live completely without complete understanding. She was on her way."

Wow. How beautiful and real is that?

As I near the end of my graduate school career, I've been thinking a lot about what happens next. I see a lot of friends who can't stand their jobs. On the other hand, there are other people who graduate and don't have jobs at all. Personally, I know that my next position is temporary. It'll be something to keep me in Ann Arbor for a few years while Lu finishes up his PhD.

However, my job will be more than just a source of income. Everything that I do now builds up my expertise and prepares me for the next step. I want to be able to sharpen my current skills, not to mention actually enjoy most of my waking hours. Most importantly, I don't want to put myself in a box where I don't feel comfortable. Sure, people change tracks all the time. However, after two decades in school, I don't want to do something totally irrelevant.

These thoughts have been stressing me out in the last few weeks: Is it too early to start applying for jobs? Which career route should I pursue? How will this affect my dissertation writing? Can I even push myself to work through the last several months of this degree when I don't want a faculty or research position? What if I find a job that I love and never complete the PhD at all? What will that mean for my future?

Although these are all valid concerns, I have no control over God's plans for me. I wanted to go to college in Maryland and ended up in Georgia. I wanted to get a masters degree and now I almost have a PhD. I wanted to go to graduate school somewhere warm, and I'm in Michigan. I wanted to get married in the summer, and I had a gorgeous fall wedding.

Despite all of the things that I've wanted to do, I've ended up much happier going where God has taken me. Like the quote says, I'm learning to live completely without complete understanding.

So, no. I might not be where I'm going, but I'm having an amazing time on the way.

Soooo, I joined Weight Watchers Online. Yes, I'm well aware that this may seem a bit extreme considering that I always returned to my normal weight fairly quickly, but my primary concern was maintenance.

To give you the basics, Weight Watchers assigns point values to foods, and you're allotted a certain number of points each day, plus extra points that you can use at your discretion throughout the week. You can also gain activity points by working out. With the online version, you keep track of everything on your computer or cell phone. You weigh yourself and take your measurements once a week, and that's that.

I knew several friends and family members who used Weight Watchers to lose weight and keep it off, and of course Jennifer Hudson's an amazing example of what it can do. I signed up for 3 months to see what would happen. I set a goal of "losing" eight pounds, which would get rid of the five pounds I'd gained on the honeymoon and put me at the low end of my normal weight spectrum. 
 

Weight Watchers Success Story

 
Nonetheless, I was not impressed. The first week, I lost three pounds... but that usually happens when I get back on my regular schedule after vacation. Over the course of the next 2 months, I lost a total of 5 pounds. That's right -- 3 pounds in the first week, and 2 pounds in the next 8 weeks.

To be fair, I was already at a healthy weight when I started Weight Watchers, even with the extra pounds. I was also doing an "insane" workout program, and I knew that my fat was being replaced with muscle. However, months of recording my food and sweating it out six days a week with barely any movement on the scale was super-disappointing.

As I was beginning to give up, a strange thing happened: I lost another pound and hit my 5% loss milestone... in the midst of end-of-semester parties and beginning-of-summer celebrations. Since when did cake, ice cream, ribs, sangria, and macaroni salad add up to weight loss?! I was definitely motivated to finish the remainder of my contract.

With the end of my three months came my first real challenge: a conference. For me, this meant airport food, schedule changes, continental breakfast buffets, lunches on the go, cookies in the afternoon, cocktail receptions in the evening with appetizers and wine, then a dinner often followed by dessert. Nothing home-cooked, over-sized portions, and a general diet nightmare.

Buuutt, I wasn't on a diet. I was changing my lifestyle, right?? I tracked my food, added in my exercise, and hoped for the best.

Delicious? Yes. Worth 7-8 miles? No.

Weight Watchers has certainly proven it's worth. However, I think I'm going to let my contract expire. I'm at the low end of my normal weight range, and there's not a vacation or holiday in sight for awhile. I'll stick closely to their list of power foods, and I'm definitely keeping my pedometer. I'll probably continue to track my food choices on my own for awhile, and I may even buy their companion book with points values for a sanity check every now and then.

Despite two vacations, a sporadic exercise schedule, several happy hours, a few graduation parties, and some cookouts -- I'm feeling good!

Lu and I are in a stage of our marriage that my graduate advisor refers to as "the lean years." Dr. V seems to remember this time of his life with fondness -- a mix of research, writing, love, marriage, and childless freedom.

In practical terms, Lu and I are tired, broke grad students with bright -- albeit uncertain -- futures.

With that said, during one conversation with Dr. V, he highlighted two things Lu and I have now that will soon fade: time and energy. I'd like to add a third resource to that list -- research grants.

Between these three benefits of the lean years. Lu and I have defined a new term: the VaConference. (As a budding scholar, I am now free to make up words that even google hasn't seen before.)

Hiking near Deep Creek

1) Mini-Moon at Deep Creek Lake, MD (October 2010): The day after the wedding, Lu and I loaded up the car with gifts and leftover wedding paraphernalia and headed to an amazing bed and breakfast on Deep Creek Lake in Maryland. Since we were both sick, this was the perfect way to relax and rejuvenate with reading, hiking, sleeping, etc. Then we checked out Frank Lloyd Wright's Fallingwater home and stayed at a ski resort in Pennsylvania before finishing our drive back to Michigan.

2) Official Honeymoon in Costa Rica (February 2011): During Spring Break, Lu and I spent a week exploring Costa Rica. We had an amazing time checking out the beaches, the rainforest, and some city life. Lu tried his hand at boogie boarding, while I lounged and read my Kindle. We visited hot springs, hiked on hanging bridges, and toured a coffee plantation. We slept in, caught up on Grey's Anatomy, ate tons of delicious food, and enjoyed our three magnificent views: the Pacific Ocean in Manuel Antonio, the Arenal Volcano in La Fortuna, and the city of San José from Santa Barbara de Heredia.

"The Bean" in Millenium Park

3) VaConference in Chicago (April 2011): I presented at a conference in Chicago, and Lu brought some homework to do in our hotel room. Although we were only four hours away from school, it was an entirely new world of restaurants, parks, and shopping. We were also able to catch up with friends and family in the area.

4) VaConference in Hawaii (May 2011): I presented at a conference in Hawaii, and Lu brought some work from the lab to do at a Starbucks on the beach -- same general theme as the first conference. However, since this was our first time to Hawaii, we scheduled in a tour of the island, spent the evenings on the beach, and ended our trip with a conference-sponsored luau (told you the VaConference thing wasn't our idea).

Wearing Lu's World Haptics Conference bag

5) VaConference in Istanbul (June 2011): This time, it's Lu's turn to present at a conference. I am currently in the lobby of the Harbiye Military Museum writing this post, while Lu is upstairs listening to presentations. Yesterday, we had lunch with his advisor and their collaborators, then we chatted with a newly-tenured professor and his wife at the welcome reception in the evening. We're going on a cruise of the Bosphorous Strait (also conference-sponsored) tonight, we're taking a cooking class tomorrow, we're touring the Old City on Saturday, and we have a long layover in Amsterdam on the way home.


Sure, Lu and I could be putting this money in savings, but when will we have the time or opportunity to travel like this again? By "travel like this," I'm thinking in terms of the price we're spending (pretty much half the price of a typical trip), the activities we're doing (not all of them are exactly kid-friendly), and the toll it's taking on our bodies (flying in on Sunday and going to work on Monday with jet-lag).

We've also been extremely responsible with our limited funds.  Lu and I planned a cost-effective wedding, and then we combined our bank accounts, updated our life insurance policies, and opened Roth IRAs.  We also built up an emergency fund, which we are currently replenishing because we dipped into it after both of our cars died last month. On a daily basis, we bring our lunches from home, shop the clearance racks, and have a frequent buyer card for every coffee shop in our local area. We're nowhere near the poorhouse; but if we end up there, it's going to be because we traveled the world -- not because we purchased new shoes.

We really want to live our life to the fullest before we have to deal with the responsibility of real jobs, not to mention children. This isn't to say that you can't travel with a career or kids, but the logistics are different and the considerations aren't the same as we have now. Quite frankly, our biggest concern is usually where we should go next and how soon can we get there!

As I look forward to tonight's cruise, I have to admit that Dr. V is right (as usual): the lean years aren't so bad after all.

Lu assembling our "his" and "hers" desks.

Last week, I gave Lu a "honey do" list. Unlike the stereotypical list that never quite gets completed, Lu actually did what I asked:

-- Picked up a few items at the grocery store on his way home.
-- Fixed a drawer in the kitchen.
-- Hung the artwork in the bedroom.

In addition, Lu also walked Maggie, tightened our dining room chairs, and helped me troubleshoot a problem with one of my computer programs. He even suggested that we touch up the paint in our condo and try our hand at putting our own backsplash in the kitchen once we get back for our second vaconference next week. (We're heading to Istanbul in six days! Hawaii pictures are here.) I love this man. 

One picture of us on Waikiki Beach

However, to be honest, I could do all of this myself. Both of us have lived alone. Lu can cook and clean just as well as I can paint and patch nail holes in the wall. In fact, my father taught me how to build picnic tables and reface kitchen cabinets when I was in middle school.

Although we don't always stick to traditional gender roles in our marriage, it's nice to know that I have a man who can do... well, "manly" things. During my days of dating, I clearly remember putting strikes against men like:


I quickly learned that sometimes chisel doesn't mean shizzle.


2) Mr. Toolbox-less: I'd dated this guy off and on for a few years, and he wanted some help decorating his first "real" apartment. After getting a few basics -- picture frames, candles, an interesting coffee table book, a throw for the sofa, and wall art -- we went back to his place to get to work.

When it came to putting up the art, he said, "Aww, man. We forgot to get those 3M pads to hang stuff up."

"We can just do it the old-fashioned way with a hammer and some nails," I said... and was greeted by silence. "Um, if you're worried about holes in the walls, they're really easy to patch. You can even use toothpaste."

"No, it's not that. I just haven't unpacked my toolbox," he said and looked off to the side. "Okay, well. I don't actually own a toolbox."

"Wait, you don't even have a hammer... or a screwdriver?"

"Nah, I didn't think I'd need that stuff."

That stuff?? Who doesn't own a toolbox?! On my first shopping trip for my dorm when I was 17, I got a five-piece, hot pink tool set at Walmart for $7.99!! Side note: Lu owns a power drill. ;)

3) Mr. Soft Hands: A male friend of Mrs. R.'s invited her to church. Always the match-making queen, she suggested that I tag along. I immediately thought he was cute, and at brunch after, I added funny and intelligent to the list. After he walked us to the car, he gave my friend a hug, stuck out his hand, and said that it was great to meet me and he hoped we'd see each other again soon.


When our hands touched, both of us pulled back almost immediately. I exclaimed, "Wow. Your hands are really soft!"

To which he replied, "Yeah, yours are actually kinda rough."

I slightly narrowed my eyes and said, "I do lift weights, wash dishes, and just wash my hands period."

He matched my look and replied, "Well, that's what manicures and paraffin waxes are for."

"Oh, is that what you do to keep your skin so... supple?"

Another match-making fail for Mrs. R.

4) Mr. Hired Help: Again, another great guy with another major flaw. This guy decided that he had worked hard enough in his teenage years and was not going to lift another finger to do anything around the house as soon as he "made it."

Lu's dad showing him how to change our light fixture.

"C'mon. Never?"

"Never.... No cutting the grass, no painting, no tinkering with the car, no nothing."

"So you know how to do all of these things, but you just refuse to?"

"Exactly. I refuse to be a Mr. Fix It."

"What about teaching your kids how to do things? Or building a tree house for them?"

"Nope. My kids will never have to lift a finger. As for me, I'm not even going to plunge a toilet or hang a picture on the wall."

Flashback to Mr. Toolbox-less *shudder*

5) Mr. Lavender Bath Beads: They were his... to use alone... once a week... for aromatherapy... while soaking in his garden tub... and listening to soft music... alone... every Thursday... alone. 'Nuff said.

To be totally clear, I'm not saying that men shouldn't have the occasional manicure or facial, hire people to help around the house, or go to the gym. I just can't deal with the extremes! Lu might not want me divulging this but he loves pedicures and spin class. And you know what? I'm totally fine with that because it's all about balance.

Just as I've seen him doing yoga, I've seen him cutting his grandmother's grass. He's just as comfortable trying a new recipe in the kitchen as he is cutting metal in the machine shop for his lab. Most importantly, even though he wants a big dog, he's content to love Maggie just the way she is.... Although he is a bit rough with her and isn't the biggest fan of her pink leash!

First off, I must apologize for leaving you high and dry these last few months. In fact, I actually have several new posts drafted. However, since I never told you guys about our honeymoon, I didn’t want to just skip to new topics. (Yes, I’m semi-OCD like that.) Then life happened in a big way, and I just got totally off track.

I was inspired to write again when I ran into a friend from church at a conference (she and her husband are such an inspiring couple with two gorgeous and intelligent children). I hadn’t seen her in awhile, and she was asking me about life and marriage. I told her that Lu and I were doing great, and her response was, “Good for you guys! It’s just a walk in the park, huh?”

I immediately and emphatically said, “NO! Not at all.”

After seeing the shocked look on her face, I filled her in on the last few months:

• February: Our honeymoon in Costa Rica was amazing! Instead of going into details, here’s a link to the pics:  http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.565793333817.2068958.35600002&l=7a3cd2bd77

• March: I used this month to complete data collection for my dissertation. I spent dozens of hours interviewing local officials… which was a lot of fun. I also presented at a conference in Chicago. Lu came along, and we had a blast. On a more personal note, we continued to have our monthly game nights with board games and Kinect. We’ve had 50+ people at our most recent parties, so we decided that they were definitely worth continuing.

• April: The month of rejections. April was a crazy-hard month for me, and by default, us as a couple. The short version is that I didn’t have guaranteed funding for the summer or next year, so I applied for fellowships, internships, teaching positions, and research positions. I got rejected from them all. Every. Single. Thing. I was literally getting bad news each day, which was totally different for me. My entire life, I’ve received awards and recognition for being the “best” this and the “top” that. With less than a year of school left, it was like I just fell off the map. On top of the emotional turmoil, there were also the logistical concerns -- mortgage, groceries, utilities, etc. The one thing that I received was a $3500 research grant. Definitely an honor, but I can’t eat with research money!

• Early-May: On top of my joblessness, Lu and I had BOTH of our cars break down – in the same week. His transmission blew; and the day we sold his (for parts), my car started overheating. The repairs on both cars would’ve been over $4000, so we decided to put that money and the money from the sales toward a down payment on a new – to us – car. The problem was that since both of us were on fellowships without traditional paychecks, we weren’t sure if we’d get financed.

RIP: SHonda and Miss Priss II

• Late-May: This is when everything started to turn around. With our great credit scores (woo-hoo) and bargaining skills, we were able to get a 2009 Saturn Vue XR that’s certified through September 2014 for $4000 below the blue book price. A few days later, I was offered an amazing job. Then less than a week after that, I was offered another, even better, position doing exactly what I want to do for my career… and it paid nearly 50% more than the first offer. We also started doing happy hours with our friends who are around for the summer – nothing beats a $1 burger or the best sangria I’ve ever had.

•  June: I’ve been working for a few weeks, and I truly enjoy it. My interviews are transcribed, and I’ve started analysis. I’ve also officially begun submitting dissertation chapters for review. The end is in sight!! In addition, we’re doing a lot of travelling. Last week, Lu and I went to Hawaii for a conference that I had. I’m totally going to do my best to write a real post about that. If not, I’ll at least provide a link to pictures. I have to do this soon because we’ll be going to Istanbul in a few weeks for one of Lu’s conferences. :-)

With all of that said, marriage has most definitely not been a walk in the park. It’s more like a series of long hikes. You have to prepare for them physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. You have to have the right equipment and the right attitude. Once you start, there will be some easy trails, as well as some dangerous cliffs. There will be times when you wonder, “Why the heck did I do this?” or “I’m not sure if I’m going to make it.” But you realize that there’s no turning back; and in fact, during times of rest, you can look around and appreciate just how far you’ve come. Most importantly, the breath-taking view from the summit is almost as awesome as the feeling of accomplishment that you have knowing that God pulled you through… just as He will when you take on the next mountain.

(P.S. - I hope to at least write once a week from now on.... I hope.)

Yesterday, I unpacked my suitcase for the first time since mid-February. I have no excuse for this. Sure, there was the honeymoon, then a weekend trip to Notre Dame a few weeks after I got back, and a conference in Chicago a few days after my return from South Bend. However, taking things out of a carry on bag is not a huge task.

My problem is that unpacking has always been a metaphorical experience to me. It means that I'm settling back into my "real" life. The vacation is over, the excitement is done, and my suitcase is shoved back into the top of the closet. Not that I don't love my life, but is there really a choice when it comes to mundane reality vs. fun vacation?

In fact, it doesn't even have to be a fun vacation. My unpacking problem started in college after my first Thanksgiving break. I couldn't bring myself to put away all of the clothing that I took home. Each outfit held a memory that I wasn't ready to let go of at that point.... So the clothes stayed in the suitcase through finals. Then it was Christmas. Then there was Spring Break. Then there was Easter. Then there was summer.

From Karyn Bryant's great poem, "Ode to My Vacation Suitcase"

Yes, I know it's sad to say that I pretty much lived at least partially out of suitcase for an entire semester in college. However, an open suitcase -- even if the clothes changed from sweaters to swimsuits -- reminded me of the upcoming break in my every day life. It reminded me of my mother's home cooking, listening to my father's jokes and stories (for the 100th time in 18 years), spending quality time with my sisters, taking my niece and nephew out for a day at the park, and meeting up with my friends.

I guess that feeling has stuck with me. From Costa Rica to conferences, a whole lot of things seem more interesting than sitting in Ann Arbor working on my dissertation and applying for funding for next year.

The good news is that now that I am officially -- physically and mentally -- back to reality, I can actually start blogging again regularly (i.e. more than once a month)! Get ready to hear about the honeymoon, as well as the various ups and downs of the last month-ish. So long suitcase, hello productivity.

Probably not the title you'd expect for my first post-honeymoon blog, huh?

Before I go into the amazing time that Lu and I had exploring Costa Rica's beaches, rain forest, and coffee plantations, I just have to vent a little about people who say things like:

1) "Spring Break? Is that why there are fewer undergrads around? I don't even pay attention to stuff like that anymore!"

2) "Don't shake my hand. I'm still recovering from the flu. I should probably be in bed right now!"

3) "Man, I've only gotten 4 hours of sleep this week. I've been studying/working/writing/in the lab the whole time."

4) "Professor/Boss, I don't mean to interrupt, but you're wrong because..."

5)  "I rarely eat breakfast, and I don't take lunch breaks. If I eat at all, it's at my desk."

I'll admit. At some point or another, I've probably made comments like these. There are still times when I skip lunch, don't get my full 8 hours of sleep, pointedly question my advisors, take work with me on "vacations," and just generally don't operate at 100%.

The difference is that these are not the norm for me, and I do not wear them as my badge of honor. I still try to respect my body and other people whenever I can. Let's look at these comments again in a different way:

1a) What Is Said: "Spring Break? Is that why there fewer undergrads around? I don't even pay attention to breaks anymore."
1b.) What The Speaker Means: "I piss on all of you lowly people that are not as dedicated to scholarly pursuits as me." [Sorry for the vulgarity. It just kinda fits.]
1c.) What I Hear: "I either have no life, or my life sucks so badly that I have to make a joke out of not even noticing that everyone else is about to have a great time -- even though I teach or take classes and clearly have seen the academic calendar -- to feel better about myself."

2a.)What Is Said: "Don't shake my hand. I'm still recovering from the flu. I should probably be in bed right now!"
2b.) What Is Meant: "My job is the most important thing in my life. How could I let some wimpy illness keep me away?"
2c.) What I Hear: "I'm such a narrow-minded workaholic. In fact, I'm willing to infect all of you and lower overall productivity just to get in one assignment that nobody cares about in the long-run."

3a.) What Is Said: "Man, I've only gotten 4 hours of sleep this week. I've been studying/working/writing/in the lab the whole time."
3b.) What Is Meant: "I'm important and necessary. I can't let something as silly as sleep keep me down."
3c.) What I Hear: "I'm stupid enough to deprive my body of a basic need... probably due to my own lack of planning and/or procrastination."

4a.) What Is Said: "Professor/Boss, I don't mean to interrupt, but you're wrong because..."
4b.) What Is Meant: "I'm totally qualified to do your job, and improve on areas where you're weak. Don't I have so much promise?"
4c.) What I Hear: "Look at me! Look at me! Of course I meant to interrupt because I'm not only a showoff, but I'm also rude."

5a.) What Is Said: "I don't take lunch breaks. If I eat at all, it's at my desk."
5b.) What Is Meant: "I am a loyal employee who maximizes my value."
5c.) What I Hear: "I have no friends." Or (hopefully) "I'm clocking out an hour early, SUCKAHS!!!"

My first year of grad school, I almost fell into this trap. I vividly remember a conversation where people were comparing how many hours of sleep they had the night before an important assignment. Some people said four, others countered with three, and one guy topped everyone with two hours of sleep in the computer lab. My peers looked at him with something akin to reverence.

As for me? I actually finished the assignment the previous afternoon and went to bed early. Heck, I even cooked dinner and took my dog on an extended walk. Of course, I didn't dare say this for fear of seeming inadequate or like a slacker.

But wait -- what if I was an inadequate slacker?! My anxiety was soon assuaged when I received the second highest grade on the final exam in the aforementioned class and a great GPA for the semester.

This isn't to brag or say that I'm a genius. And it certainly isn't to say that I'm always the most organized, or even punctual, person when it comes to meeting deadlines. I just realize that there's no embarrassment in actually enjoying life. Breaks are not only good for you, but they're necessary to help you regroup and refocus.

During one of my summer internships, my boss's boss -- a father of two who had been working with the company for 15 years -- was being chided for taking too many days off. Aware of the office gossip, he posted a cartoon of an elderly man wearing a tropical shirt with his head on his desk... dead. The most interesting part of the cartoon was that his secretary was still putting papers on his desk, as she said, "It's a shame Bill never got to take that vacation to Hawaii."

Basically, when you die, there will still be things in your inbox. Meaning that the world not only can go on without you, but it will go on without you. If death is forever, do you really think a week's vacation or a few sick days will be that catastrophic? Just pause, and think about that for a second.

I won't always have the time to take an entire week off. Take the wedding for example, Lu and I waited four months to have a "real" honeymoon because of our schedules. The point is that we still had one, and we looked forward to it.

I strongly believe that everyone needs a break. If not a week, then a long weekend, an overnight trip, or even a few hours to relax. The people that I look up to the most are productive in their careers and still manage to spend time with their families, have hobbies, and even volunteer. In fact, the people that I feel sorry for are the ones who don't seem to have a life outside of their jobs.

Sure, sometimes you will just have to do grunt work for hours and hours on end. However, for the most part, it's not the hours you work but how productive you are in those hours. Are you really working the whole time? Or are you staring off into space? Perhaps chit-chatting with co-workers? Reading news articles? And don't even get me started on Facebook....

Okay, my apologies for the extended vent (and to the people I've undoubtedly offended). Honeymoon post soon!!! :-)

Our honeymoon is almost here!!!!!!!!!!!

(My apologies for all of the exclamation points, but I just can't help myself.)

Lu and I approach traveling in different ways. True to our personality types, Lu gets more excited about the "vision" of a vacation -- lazing on the beach, hiking through parks, sipping fruity drinks. Meanwhile, I can't relax until there's some sort of plan in place. I'm fine with being spontaneous and flexible, but I believe that a little research up front can help you make the most of your time and money.

In fact, a few years ago, before our first big vacation, we got into a pretty heated argument about planning. We were getting organized for a trip to Mexico, and Lu wanted to help. I said something like, "Don't worry about it, babe. I've done all the work anyway. It's easier if I handle this part, too."

This totally offended Lu because, in his mind, he had helped. I pointed out that all he had done was said that he wanted to go somewhere warm with a beach, and he took the week of our vacation off from work. He said, "Exactly! So don't act like I haven't done anything."

All of the planners reading this can see how this conversation quickly went downhill!

I told him about all of the research I'd done on various countries, the best resorts, reading reviews, comparing prices, searching for flights, arranging shuttles, booking and negotiating tours, checking out health/travel/safety issues, and even buying all of our little travel-sized items. He responded that I hadn't included him in anything. I came back with examples of when he was too busy or uninterested to be bothered with the "small stuff."

Back and forth we went until he admitted that he'd never planned a big trip on his own, and he didn't know the best way to help. I conceded that I had charged full speed ahead, and I should have been more patient with him along the way.

Since then, Lu has learned how to TripAdvisor and BookIt with the best of 'em. We're more equal when it comes to choosing a destination, hotels, and planning tours. I still have to nudge him a little when it's time to make final decisions, but he has a greater input overall.

One area that's still "mine" is the details. We're staying at boutique hotels during Costa Rica's high travel season, so we made our honeymoon reservations several months ago. Since then, we've figured out details -- transportation, tours, vaccinations, packing, etc.

Over the weekend, I put all of the details in one place. More specifically, I created an itinerary with dates, times, locations, and contact information for every part of our trip. I also printed out a coupon for parking at the airport, confirmations for all of our stops, credit card receipts for everything pre-paid, copies of our passports/credit cards/IDs, and a list of backup drivers and transportation services.

I also called our credit card companies and banks to let them know that we'd be out of the country, put my rings in our safe-deposit box at the bank (don't want to risk them falling off in the ocean or jungle), taken out the appropriate amount of cash -- small bills only, and packed Maggie's bag for the kennel.

I am as ready as I can get.

Some people think this is way too much. They'd argue that I'll never need half of the stuff I have, and all of this preparation takes the "fun" out of the vacation. For me, it actually helps to put my mind at ease. After all, anything could happen.

While I can't exactly plan ahead for "anything," my motto is to expect the best but prepare for the worst. A driver might not show up on time -- or at all. We could accidentally leave our cash in a safe, or a monkey could steal our passport (true story). I'd rather spend a few hours putting a back up plan in place than wasting a few days trying to figure out what to do to fix a relatively simple situation.

Lu and I are celebrating the third anniversary of our first date today at Sweetwaters Café.

It's crazy how God works in our lives. Right now, the snow is falling, the roads are slippery, and it's cold! If these had been the conditions on February 20, 2008, then Lu and I would not have had a first date. I would've canceled, stayed home, and probably done some studying or watched junk TV.

At best, Lu and I would've played schedule tag for the rest of the semester -- neither of us having any real incentive to continue the Valentine's Day joke past February. At worst, Lu would've thought I was flaky and/or lost the nerve to pursue a "sophisticated, graduate student" and not have even tried again.

Instead, we had the best first date of my life. If you'll remember, Lu also reserved "our" table the day that he proposed. And our Sweet Story (no. 21 on the café's website) continues....

On an average day, I don't miss wedding planning one bit!.... Okay, the cake tastings were pretty great, but it's much better to be on this side of the proverbial broom. However, every now and then, something brings me back to the memories of bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, engaged Lu and Val.

Today, I was searching through the statistics on our blog's counter. (That little log at the bottom keeps track of a lot more than numbers!) For the most part, our blog's hits come from my Facebook friends checking out my status. We also get a fair share from familiar cities where we have friends and family, who just like to see what we're doing.

I noticed that we've recently been getting a lot more hits from Maryland, outside of my hometown. It turns out that they were linked back to the Atrium at Treetops -- where we had our reception! The website's slideshow not only included several pictures of our wedding, but also a link to one of my blog posts about the venue. In addition, our entire wedding party is prominently featured on our photographer's page. Wow --  what great surprises!

We really did have some amazing wedding vendors. The time and attention they spent with us truly helped to make our day perfect. I know that's cliché, but despite all the random craziness surrounding our wedding day, I couldn't have been happier.

 As soon as I finish typing, I'm going to send all of our vendors an email just to say, "Hi." I might not miss wedding planning, but I certainly do miss them.

Lu and I have been married four months today, and we are finally about to go on our honeymoon!

We thoroughly enjoyed our mini-moon after the wedding. It was just the rest and relaxation we needed after the big day. However, now we're ready to go exploring the best that Costa Rica has to offer.

The tricky part: fitting 8 days of clothes and toiletries into one carry-on bag each.

This will be tough, but I'm a firm believer in packing light. I don't want to waste my time or energy checking bags that can potentially get lost. In addition, we'll only be spending a few nights in each city, and I don't feel like lugging a huge suitcase around Costa Rica. Besides, whenever I have more room, I tend to throw in a lot of "just in case" items that I never wear.

My plan of attack:

1) Refill any necessary prescriptions.

2) Stock up on travel size toiletries at Target and REI.  Did you know they make insect repellent wipes? How great is that?!

3) Pack as light as possible.

In my carry on, I'll have:

• 2 pairs of capris
• 2 pairs of shorts (one nylon, one nicer)
• a skirt (I have a great one with a ton of pockets -- no need for a purse)
• 2 sundresses (one that doubles as a cover-up)
• a bunch of tanks, tees, and long-sleeved shirts
• under items and PJs (including lingerie)
• 2 swimsuits
• flip-flops 
• dressy sandals -- if they fit in the bag
• dry toiletries (i.e. medicine, deodorant, bar soap, tissues, etc.)
• small bag for day trips
• umbrella
• disposable rain poncho

In my personal item -- an oversized purse/tote, I'll pack:

• passport/ID
• one credit card 
• cash
• travel insurance info
• itinerary
• copies of all reservations (transportation, hotel, and tours)
• copy of passport, ID, and credit card
• electronics -- cell phone, camera, kindle, and respective chargers
• my quart-size bag of wet toiletries for easy airport access
• sunglasses
• mini-flashlight
• bandana
• small first aid kit
• a few snacks

4) Unpack anything that I won't need: most of the keys on my chain, debit/gym membership/blockbuster cards, my purse, jewelry, and anything on the above lists that just doesn't fit.

5) Wear layers to the airport -- jeans, tank top, t-shirt, light jacket, heavier jacket, socks, a baseball cap, and amphibious hiking sneakers (i.e. great for exploring the jungle).

I think that's it! Let me know if you think there's anything I've overlooked.

Happy Valentine's Day Eve!

Lu and I are more than ready to celebrate our first Valentine's Day as husband and wife. I haven't gotten his card yet, but I'm so excited that I can shop in the "for my husband" section this year.

We actually kicked off the festivities last night with an aphrodisiacs-themed game night. We invited a bunch of people over and played party games, including "What's Yours Like?" and "Pick-Up Lines." We also bought "Saucy Charades" -- a game where the answers are clean but the acting might be a bit suggestive (i.e. stuffing a turkey, sliding down a fireman's pole, etc.). However, we had so much fun with the other two that we're saving that one for our next game night!

In addition to games, we also had a smorgasbord of aphrodisiac food. Lu and I made chocolate fondue, using one of our new favorite wedding gifts. Other people brought all sorts of delicious, libido-enhancing goodies for us to snack on.

Okay, so the goal wasn't to actually get any libidos enhanced. However, you'd be surprised at what counts as an aphrodisiac! We had guacamole and chips, red velvet cake, sweet potato pie, pumpkin vanilla pudding, popcorn chicken with honey mustard sauce (the aphrodisiac being the honey, not the chicken), quiche, brownies, all sorts of fruits, and of course lots of wine and coffee. Although they weren't at our party, asparagus, figs, and even oysters make the aphrodisiac cut.



Tonight, Lu and I are having a mini-getaway at a hotel... 10 minutes away from our house. While we're not physically going to be that far from home, we are going to turn off our computers and cell phones (or at least silence them) and enjoy our own little world of luxury. In fact, the only thing we're turning on is the romance: massage oil, lingerie, soft music, champagne, chocolate-covered strawberries, and even a heart-shaped pizza.

When Lu first told me his idea for this "gift" to each other, I had mixed feelings. What girl doesn't want the flowers, candy, and jewelry?! Besides, we're going on our honeymoon in a few weeks. We'll have plenty of hotel time then, right?

After re-thinking it, I realized something that I'd learned early on in our relationship but had neglected a bit: the most precious gift you can give someone is your time and attention. Flowers die, candy adds calories, and Lu's already made some pretty big investments in the jewelry department recently!

For our first Valentine's Day, I can't think of a better way to spend it than time with friends followed by time with each other. Now, I'm off to pack my overnight bag!