While at work the other day, I came across a good friend's gchat status that had an interesting article linked to it. The article, entitled Do you want to get married or do you want to be a husband?, was a great read and hit home with some issues I've been thinking about and dealing with lately as I prepare to take Val's hand in marriage. 

The article asks a seemingly basic question (see title), but the answer can completely define the role and responsibility you assume as a man in the marriage, including whether or not it's successful.

Being married and being a husband are two completely different ventures, and even though we usually assume that only women marry for status, men oftentimes do the same. The status that one gains from such a strategic move is totally different than for a women. While women seek to attain certain levels of socioeconomic security, men seek to fulfill an innate desire: to be the provider. Now let me be clear before you start going off about your baby's daddy/dead-beat dad/stepdad etc, and how he hasn't tried in the least to take care of you or his kids...I'm only referring to men who actually want to find a wife and start a family. 

There are some men who marry only because it's one step in a staircase of goals they envisioned themselves climbing. They've already checked some things off their list like obtaining a degree, starting a career, building a financial future, and now marriage is next item on the list. They need a woman by their side to make them balanced, and kids to relive their childhood with. They've envisioned themselves as little league coaches, and are ready for those father daughter dances where she stands on his feet. 

Most of the time these men are between 28 and 35 and see dating as more of an interview process. You meet basic requirements (smart, pretty, good family, you know "wifey material"), and he's interested...have a little more going for you and he's ready to drop down on one knee within six months.

To these men marriage is like a good business deal, both parties bring something worthwhile to the table and happiness is a handshake away. 

I'm not saying this to bash these guys, I was once one myself. I had my plan... go to college, get a degree, go to graduate school to get my PhD, find someone during my last few years, get engaged after finishing, and get married sometime during my post-doc. By then I would be debt free, have a solid investment portfolio, and have a nice loft in some metropolitan city with a nice skyline view and décor I would have collected from my various international travels. I would be a great cook and wine aficionado, with a private jazz collection that made any candlelight dinner in the words of Nat "unforgettable." I'd have a fitness regime that rivaled an olympic athlete, so there's no way my kids would wear me out.

I'd be coach  of the year, dad of the year, and be able to grill the best burgers, on the best lawn in the neighborhood. 

So what happened to this plan?

I met someone who accepted me the way I am, who didn't want or need me to be anything other than what I was. In fact, we've grown together. We cook together, go wine tasting, go to live jazz performances, and have started strengthening our financial security.

But my fantasy's not completely gone: we've discussed subleasing what's soon-to-be "our" condo next summer to rent a loft in Ann Arbor.

All in all, that guy I was trying to become before I met "her" is the guy I'm becoming because I met her (Val that is).

Anyway, back to the point at hand. This isn't supposed to be a post about Val, it's about me... no, wait, that's the problem. As a husband, it's no longer just me. Everything I do -- or don't do for that matter -- in some way, shape, form, or fashion affects Val. And thus, I'm back to point of this blog: I have to be a husband, not just the world's best married man.

During one of our premarital counseling sessions, we talked about the role of the husband and wife in a marriage. It's often stereotyped that the man is the head of the household, the "king of his castle" per se.  He makes the decisions and marches the troops forward. This mindset however is severely flawed.

Husbands are called to lead, but are called to do so for the service of his wife/family. Thus, a good husband is described as a servant leader.

From first thought I figured this wouldn't be that hard of a challenge. I was in Boy Scouts for the majority of my adolescent life and JROTC throughout high school. In college, I served as a mentor and tutor for various different outreach programs. And even now, I take time to give back to organizations and programs that have helped me along the way. The problem, however, is that this service only takes place during nicely scheduled time blocks. The rest of the time my life has a heavy focus on satisfying my own wants/needs.   

As a husband, this has to change. Service to Val and our future family becomes top priority. My life, my wants, my needs must take a back seat to theirs. If they're good... I'm good. If not, it's my job to try and make it better. I must serve their needs before serving my own. 

I quickly realized that this is going to require a level of responsibility I haven't fathomed. Sure, my parents raised me with the understanding that I had to take responsibility for my own actions. Back then though, responsibility generally meant something like cleaning up after that "tornado" came through my room, finding a safe way to dispose of that concoction I made in the kitchen, or learning to live without nintendo for a few weeks after having my teacher tell my parents "he's a good student, just talks too much in class."

Basically my actions, and the responsibility I had to take for them, only affected me. NOT true anymore. 

Now people are depending on me and in a big way. Not just to keep the cars in running condition, fix leaky faucets, and play catch...but to lend a shoulder to cry on or ears to listen...to change diapers and read bedtime stories...to fix breakfast, lunch, and/or dinner...to check out the weird noise downstairs, and provide reassurance that monsters really aren't under the bed...to know the difference between a plié and a pick and roll (and know how to perform each flawlessly)...to seemingly always have it together when deep down I don't...and to stand when everything around us is falling apart.

Am I there yet? No, not yet. I think it comes with time, but I'm committed to the task at hand. Sure, there will be times when I'll wish I could just snap my fingers to fix everything, or times when selfishness seems much more appealing than selflessness.

But remember, I've still got that innate desire to provide...As a husband I'll be able use that desire to serve Val and our family much better than I would if I was just playing the role of a married man.