A few months ago, I counted down the best and worst wedding reality shows. However, there is a new winner in the worst category: Bridalplasty.

Remember that show a few years ago, The Swan? They chose women who were physically unattractive and emotionally insecure to get extreme "holistic" makeovers (i.e. total body plastic surgery, cosmetic dentistry, and therapy).

Once the participants felt good about themselves -- often for the first time in their lives, they had to compete in a beauty pageant against other former "ugly ducklings."

Yep, pretty screwed up.

The Swan Pageant

Believe it or not, Bridalplasty was worse than that. It's like The Swan, Bridezillas, Platinum Weddings, Survivor, and The Bachelor all rolled up into one ball of moral bankruptcy.  I've watched this show like a train wreck for a few months, and the only good thing about it is that it's finally over.

Bridalplasty, hosted by a former Miss USA, featured 12 women on a quest to become the "perfect" bride. Each week, the women participated in a wedding-related challenge involving their vows, their dress, sex, honesty with their fiancé, compatibility with their mother-in-law, or some other matrimonial issues. At the end of the challenge, three bottom brides would be at risk of leaving the show.  The elimination ceremony consisted of the remaining brides RSVPing to the wedding of the bottom bride who they would like to see remain. The bride with the least RSVPs would leave.

Along the way, brides would add items to their bridal closet. The top designers and headliners in the industry would come in and wow the women with cakes, jewelry, flowers, and dresses that would make even the most platinum of brides drool. At the end of the show, the winner would get to keep all of the items in her bridal closet and have her dream wedding.

Not so bad, but there's a twist. The brides were also trying to check items off of their plastic surgery "wish list."

In fact, the winner of each challenge was immediately whisked away to get one item of choice checked off (most women started with nose jobs and breast implants).  The winner of the show received all of the plastic surgery procedures on her list before the big day.

I'm not against cosmetic surgery, but the whole perception of needing it to be a "perfect bride" is just disgusting. In fact, the women were all beautiful before the competition started!  The sight of these gorgeous women fawning over contestants who came back to the mansion covered in bandages and drugged was sick. More than once, a runner-up cried, "Wow! That should've been me in the recovery room!"

No, this isn't after the surgeries: the "before" picture.

In fact, one contestant got kicked off because the other brides thought that she "just" wanted the wedding and the items on her plastic surgery wish list (nose job, breast implants, teeth whitening, botox, and filler for her upper lip) were too minor. Her back story? She and her fiancé had a quickie wedding so that her mother, who was diagnosed with cancer, could be there.

Another contestant, who ultimately won, was criticized for being negative and bitter. Her back story? She and her fiancé had already planned and canceled two weddings when they successively lost their jobs. They went from a big wedding and a secure future to barely being able to pay their electricity bills. I wouldn't exactly be Suzy Sunshine in that situation either.

Perfect bride?

The whole show glorified superficiality. Even the line that was said when the brides got kicked off was ridiculous, "Your wedding will still go on. It just won't be perfect."

Let's sum this up. Being the perfect bride means: 1) not being allowed to see my fiancé or my mother in the four months leading up to my wedding, 2) making critical detail decisions not with bridesmaids or friends, but with a planner who I just met, 3) living with and competing against whiny, back-stabbing bridezillas, and 4) going under the knife multiple times.

I spent the last four months before my wedding planning with Lu, having parties with friends and family, and finishing counseling with people who I respected.... I'm so glad I wasn't the perfect bride.

The test was brutal yesterday, but... I passed!!! I move on to the next round of interviews. Woo-hoo!

Annndddd I also scheduled two interviews for my dissertation within three hours of sending my first round of emails.

God is awesome! Time to celebrate tonight... before I get back to studying. :-)

In my last post, I described how Lu's hectic schedule encouraged us to have a frank discussion about balancing the stress of work with the importance of our marriage. While I noted that the tables would turn in my direction at some point in the near future, I had no idea how near the future would be!

As much as I enjoy the life of a graduate student, I've realized that academia doesn't give me the structure and variety that I need to be personally-fulfilled. I decided to apply for a summer internship in the field of consulting with a top firm. This firm is known for its rigorous selection process, which includes four rounds: an application screening, a problem solving test and initial evaluation, a regional interview, and an office interview.

However, with me being on "academic time," I didn't realize how quickly this process happens. I submitted my application just over two weeks ago, I found out that I was moved to the next round last week, and I have to prepare for the test... in two days!

On top of that, this test is seemingly impossible to pass -- 26 questions in 60 minutes, many of them involving math and reasoning skills, plus reading charts, graphs, and case backgrounds. To add another piece to the puzzle, if I pass this part, then the next round of interviews involves business cases. I haven't even thought about cases in seven years!!

Okay, deep breath. The great news is that I have a ton of resources to help me out. The firm gives us a practice test and a coaching guide, Lu's best man also used to work at this firm, and I have friends in the business school who are familiar with doing cases and have great jobs lined up for them in consulting.

The not-so-great news is that this has been semi-overwhelming. I don't know where to start first and trying to do a little bit of everything is making my head spin, but in a good way -- if that makes sense. :-)

Well, yesterday morning Lu decided to go to school a bit later. We went to the gym, showered, had a nice breakfast together, and then I received a package in the mail... a surprise from Lu.

Lu has always been big on just because gifts -- flowers, candy, cards, etc. However, this gift blew everything out of the water. Lu literally gave me inspiration.

Each day, I can select one of 99 engraved bamboo sticks with quotes that are encouraging and inspirational.

Daily Inspiration

Today's quote?

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Ouch, but oh-so appropriate. This process might be hectic, but I believe in myself. If this the path God wants me to take, then I am not inferior. I will succeed.

The last few weeks have been pretty lonely. Lu's been working on an intense conference paper, and I've been sitting at home alone... bored.

Well, except for the night I danced until midnight at a postponed holiday party, or when I made vegan cuisine and played Wii with Ms. K, or when I hung out with Ms. L and her parents, or when I went to dinner with friends, or the game night a few weeks ago.

Then there are the days that I spend cooking, cleaning, and running errands, as well as the evenings working on my dissertation or projects for one of my two side jobs.

Okay, so I haven't exactly been twiddling my thumbs. However, I've really missed Lu.

We spent nearly two weeks with my family over the holidays, and we were together 24/7. We woke up, ate breakfast, went to the gym, ate lunch, studied, ate dinner, did whatever activity we had for the evening, and fell asleep in each other's arms.

We flew back from break on a Tuesday, and on Wednesday Lu was in the lab beginning to collect data for his paper.

I'd normally welcome this break after such an uninterrupted period of time together. In fact, the first night that I went to sleep alone, I spread out in the middle of the bed. The first afternoon one of my friends wanted to go shopping, I jumped at the opportunity for some guilt-free girl time. Even the first time that Lu climbed in bed at 1:00 am then jumped back out 15 minutes later because he had a "new idea for his experiment," I smiled at his passion.

By the second week, I just missed my man. Sure, we'd have breakfast together and talk about our plans for the day. However, that was pretty much it. He was in the lab from 9:30 am - 6:00 pm. When he came home for dinner, the fragmented conversation let me know that his mind was still at school. Then after dinner, he'd go back to the lab to research, run tests, crunch data, etc. until the early morning hours.

 But it was fine because this was a part of the PhD process, and there was an end in sight. Our plan was that he'd spend all night on Friday finishing the paper, and then the weekend would be ours. We'd cook breakfast together, do some furniture shopping, take a trip to the outlets, make love for hours, and fall asleep watching meaningless TV shows.

.... Until the paper's due date got pushed back two days.

Instead of spending Saturday night intertwined with Lu, I was alone until 5:00 am. In my head, this was okay. He was stressed and tired with a huge deadline looming over his head. In the near future, the roles would probably be reversed with me pulling all-nighters and him cuddling with our dog.

Besides, most women would be happy that their man was spending a Saturday night doing work -- not getting drunk, not partying it up, and not with someone else.

Nonetheless, there's a place where logic and emotions just don't quite meet. I came to this place on Sunday: our three-month anniversary.

Lu told me that he wasn't going into the lab, so I wanted to make our time together perfect. Long story short, I was driven over the edge somewhere between burnt blueberry pancakes and "...just because I'm not going to the lab doesn't mean I'm not going to work at all."

This was certainly a learning moment in our marriage. One that involved heated tempers, raised voices, and a thrown Snuggie, but a learning moment nonetheless: I can simultaneously understand my husband's workload and acknowledge that I miss him. He can simultaneously be up to his curly locks in data analysis and make an effort to be mentally-present during the few hours that he's able to spend with me.


It's natural to feel guilty, neglected, or selfish when the pressures of life detract from our time together. Once we start our careers and have children, I know that this is going to become even more of a reality. The key is to make the time that we spend with each other count. We have to be honest -- with each other and ourselves -- about what we need to do and how we want to feel.

It can't just be work or life. There truly does have to be a balance.

Happy New Year!

Ten days into 2011, I'm proud to report that I have been making progress toward my resolution for the year: Stick to my priorities.

Before I go into details, I have to warn you that I have a tendency to be a bit bipolar about my New Year's resolutions. I always try to implement "positive lifestyle changes," which either become part of my routine or totally backfire.

A few years ago, I resolved to eat healthier -- not diet, but just make some changes. Substitute brown rice for white rice. Exchange at least one cup of coffee for water or tea each day. Buy pre-packaged 100 calorie ice cream treats, instead of guessing about serving size (reality check: 1/2 cup of ice cream is practically NOTHING).... I'm still sticking to this resolution, not perfectly, but I'm overall a healthier person.

Last year, I resolved to stop complaining. Ummm, that one didn't work out so well. I have become a more appreciative person, and I do look at the bright side more often. However, I can still tell you about the not-so-bright side in full detail!

I've realized that I need a resolution where I can be proactive and make baby steps. I can't change my mindset overnight, so I need to chart my progress by focusing on achievable goals.

This year, I had to first decide what my priorities were:

1) God: can't do anything without Him
2) Health: only get one body & mind -- gotta keep them healthy
3) Family/Friends: love, support, history, fun, responsibility
4) School: the only reason I'm in the cold, gray state of Michigan
5) Financial Security: Lu and I might make peanuts as grad students, but we try our hardest to save the shells!

Then I had to think about whether my time reflected my priorities. Sadly, it did not.

My schedule was full of time-consuming activities that were not directly related to what I most valued. On one hand, I was spending my time on worthy causes: volunteering, household duties, and checking off administrative items on my to do list. On the other, the things that were important in my mind were constantly getting rescheduled, shuffled around, or squeezed into a 20-minute time slot in my planner.

I was running around all day, but I still felt unaccomplished and unfulfilled. I was stressed out. I was tired. I was even having weird stomach issues, and the doctors couldn't find a medical explanation.

This leads me to my next step in the resolution process: learn to say (and mean) "no." 

When someone asks me to do something, I'll dance all around flat-out refusal. I'll say, "I'm not sure if I have the time." Or "I need more details before I can commit to that." Or even, "I have a lot on my plate and don't want to stretch myself too thin."

However, with a little ego-stroking, fast-talking, and outright ignoring of my concerns, I end up saddled in a position where I don't have the time, energy, and/or desire to give 100%.  To top it off, I'm the one that ends up feeling guilty if I have to back out... for school, family, or health reasons!

Okay, so I'm venting a bit. The bottom line is that people have disrespected my boundaries, and I've let them. It's time to end that with a firm "no" in 2011.

I don't need to justify why I do or don't want to do something. I'm in charge of my own time. You can run yourself ragged trying to please everyone else, but I've been there, done that, and refuse to go back.

Now that I've written my soapbox, how do I do this tactfully in reality? For starters, I've revamped my schedule. I listed all of the activities that don't fit neatly in the five categories above, and I cut them out. Maybe not forever, but for now.

It was tough getting up the courage to make those phone calls -- the fear of letting other people down, the embarrassment of admitting that I'd overextended myself. Nonetheless, people generally understood where I was coming from. I did have one person try to "compare" her stressors and to do list with mine; but instead of making me feel guilty, it made me realize just how crazy I had been to attempt to juggle everything.

I'm finally at the point where my life is my own, and I feel wonderful. Lu and I pray together every morning, we're getting back in the gym, we're doing relaxing activities, we had a housewarming/game night with about 25 friends last weekend, we're making progress in school, and we have a solid savings plan. I even have two consulting positions for extra income.

The next challenge will be slowly adding other activities back into my life. As good as it feels to make my self #1, I'm still well aware that I'm not the only one.  Opportunities will come up, and I'll have to decide if I want to make room for them... on my own terms... with my values first.