Last weekend, I went to a conference on Teaching and Mentoring in Tampa. While I enjoyed the sessions and reflecting upon my own trajectory in life, I really missed Lu. The conference was the first time that we’d been apart overnight since we’ve been married. I literally tossed and turned without him.

Nonetheless, my connection to Lu and responsibility to my husband presented itself in a very odd way.

At the conference, I had a roommate. Since I woke up earlier than her on the first day, I decided to lay out my clothes to make it easier to get dressed and ready without disturbing her the next morning.

While I was getting things together, there was a knock at the door. It was one of her friends, who was supposed to meet her before they went out for the night. Since my roommate wasn't there, I invited her to come in and wait.

We chatted about where we were from, what we studied, and what we were doing that night. I mentioned that I was going to videochat with Lu and go to bed, which led to a conversation about the wedding and married life.  She began telling me about the guy that she was dating pretty seriously, and as I listened, I went back to laying out my dress, my blazer, and then I put my bra and panties on top of the pile.

She glanced over and joked, “Victoria’s Secret? 5 for $25? Got those, too!”

I laughed and said that I only wear these panties to conferences now because Lu hates the pattern. He actually calls them my “wallpaper panties.”

She made a face, did the stereotypical eye/neck roll combo, and in that fake-joking-but-semi-catty tone that some women can get, she said, “Wow. You’ve been married for two weeks, and he’s already telling you what kind of underwear to wear?! I dare any man to tell me what I put on my body! I love my boyfriend and all, but yeah right!“

At first I didn't know what to say and didn't feel like getting into some debate about the choices I make about my unmentionables, so I just laughed.

Then after a few seconds, I said, “You know, marriage is about putting your spouse first. If he gets sick, I’d nurse him back to health. If he can't find a job, I’d support the family. If he needed a kidney, then I’d be on that operating table without thinking twice! So quite frankly, I feel blessed that the only ‘sacrifice’ I’ve had to make is reserving my wallpaper panties for conferences.”

When I finished, her mouth literally dropped open, then she cleared her throat and simply said, "Wow. I never thought of it like that. I mean, the big things you mentioned, I'd do those for my boyfriend; but it's the little things that matter just as much."

I replied, "Yeah, they really do. It's easy to brush them off as insignificant; but when you're sharing your life with someone, everything you do -- and don't do -- matters."

Honestly, I was pretty proud of my mini-soapbox. I never, EVER think of comebacks that quickly... unless they’re the really mean ones that I can’t actually say. However, through being engaged and planning a wedding, I’ve realized that people will always give you their two-cents – whether or not you want it, whether or not its useful, and whether or not they even understand your situation!

In fact, the next night, I went out with Mrs. R, who lives in Orlando, and we talked about life and about the wedding. Even though I'd chosen Mrs. R as a bridesmaid, she actually didn't attend the wedding at all. Her husband recently joined the military, and the wedding fell on his first free weekend after bootcamp, graduation (where she could barely touch him after not seeing him for nearly six weeks), and starting his follow-up training in a different state.

Caught between spending time with her husband after being apart for over two months and my wedding, Mrs. R called me in early-September with a "plan": get off work in Florida on Thursday night, drive to Mississippi to see her husband on Friday morning, fly to Maryland on Saturday morning for the wedding, fly back to Mississippi on Saturday evening, and drive back to Florida on Monday morning just in time to teach class at 8 am.

I vetoed the plan and told her to stay with her husband. I told her that she needed to be with him, that I'd fill her in when I came to the conference, and that hopefully she could use the bridesmaid dress for a holiday party. Mrs. R broke down in tears because that's how she also felt, but she thought that I'd be upset if she pulled out of the wedding six weeks before it happened. We had a great discussion about how hard it is to put your husband above your friends, especially when you want to be there for both, and how glad she was that I understood her predicament.

Fast-forward a few months to us catching up over dinner in Florida. When we went back to the hotel, we ran into a friend of mine, Ms. E., from school in the hotel lobby. We invited her to the room with us, and we ended up having one of the best conversations about love and marriage that I've ever had. All of us have been blessed to have strong, Christian men in our lives -- Mrs. R's been married for over two years, Ms. E's been dating her boyfriend with purpose for over two years, and I've been married to Lu for three weeks.

However, striving to fit God's plan and purpose doesn't always work well with what the world says: missing a friend's wedding to spend a weekend with your husband, seriously considering marriage to a man who you've only had a long-distance relationship with, and letting your husband's preferences dictate your choice in panties.

We shared our relationship stories. We talked about how God was working with us on some common issues: patience, prayer, and following His path even if it involved some detours that we never thought we'd take. We also talked about some of the frustrations we felt about having so few like-minded people to talk to who were in a similar place in their lives -- balancing being a strong, Black woman and a submissive wife (or serious girlfriend who is preparing her heart and mind for marriage). We traded book titles and bible verses, shared laughter and moments of reflection, and I think we all took away something from those few hours we spent together.

That night reaffirmed me, especially after my conversation the previous evening.  Standing up for my relationship and my decisions doesn’t have to come from a place of anger or rudeness. It’s about knowing the foundations of a healthy marriage and not being embarrassed about sticking to them.

Even if it doesn’t fit the mold of what a “strong, independent, Black woman” is supposed to be, I’m not worried about what other people think of me. I don’t need to impress anyone. I just have to please myself and serve my husband…. Yes, I said serve my husband, and I’m not ashamed of that. We’re in this together forever – wallpaper panties and all.

When I think "bachelorette party," the following two scenarios immediately come to mind:

1) A bunch of women shaking it in the club, potentially in a hot tourist spot (i.e. Las Vegas or New York), with one wearing a "bride" sash and getting anywhere from tipsy to sloppily drunk, while random guys buy her drinks and attempt to grab or kiss her and strangers shout words of encouragement and/or warning.

2) A bunch of women at someone's house when an [insert blue-collar worker of choice] knocks on the door, says something corny, and starts to do some awkward striptease with a lot of grinding that's supposed to be sexy.

Which type of bride am I? Um, neither of the above.


Luckily, more options are opening up for non-club-hopping bachelorettes without stripper fetishes: wine-tasting, pampering parties, girls-only camping trips, and other activities for women who actually want to remember their bonding.

Instead of going to a club before my wedding, my sisters will be hosting an old-fashioned slumber party to celebrate my last night of being single.

Now I know that some of you are rolling your eyes and thinking I'm a lame. I admit: renting a limobus with friends sounds cool, and a night at the club could be fun....

But wait, that's what we're doing for our wedding reception after party!

Huh? After party? Won't Jeremy and I be extremely exhausted or "otherwise preoccupied" after our wedding?

Well, yes.

However, a lot of our friends are going to be coming in from out of town, including some that we haven't seen in years -- plural. We want to spend more time with them than just a few minutes thanking them at the reception. (For the older folks and early-risers, we'll be having a brunch on Sunday morning.)

In addition, our bridal party and guests live in over a dozen states. Getting everyone together for a bachelor or bachelorette party isn't practical or cost-effective, and I don't want to exclude anyone from the festivities.

Lu and I would much rather sacrifice a few hours of sleep and put our libidos on the back-burner for a bit to have some fun with all of our friends together.

Thanks to Chariots for Hire, we'll be able to do just that in our 35-passenger limobus.... And we're not the only ones jumping on this trend.

With the convenience of modern technology and transportation, it's a lot easier to remain "close" to people that you don't see in person on a regular basis.  Besides your garden variety Facebook stalking, it's easy to stay up-to-date with the latest happenings in your friends' lives via texting, email, and video chat. After all, Lu and I both agree that we fell in love over AOL Instant Messenger (AIM).

Technology still doesn't replace face-time with friends. It just makes it easier to pick up where you left off... even if it is four years later at a wedding.




I know that partying as a newlywed isn't the same as a crazy no-guys-allowed club night, but I have to be true to myself on this one.

When I think back to my memories of college, the nights that stand out aren't the ones at the house parties or the clubs... and there were plenty of those. The nights that I now cherish are the random ones with all of my friends packed into someone's dorm room until 3 AM, the impromptu sleepovers after we came back in for the night, or making s'mores in our apartment's fireplace -- using Duraflame logs. (Sooo we obviously didn't think that out up front, but we got a lot of laughs later.)

This is truly my last time to do that. The club will always be there. But I don't think Lu would be too comfortable if I wanted to invite my 10 closest girlfriends over for pizza, games, gossip, makeovers, and more junk food than I typically eat in a month.



I don't spend my normal weekends getting drunk, shaking it fast, or being groped by strangers. I certainly don't want to spend my last night with my closest gal pals this way just because I'm "supposed" to enjoy it.

To each their own, but throwing up on a street corner or paying a man to thrust his neon-spandex-covered penis in my face -- yeah, i just said that (sorry, Mom), but that's pretty much what strippers do -- is not how I want to say goodbye to singlehood.

My sleepover may not be the typical bachelorette party, and our after party may not be the typical wedding night. Regardless, I guarantee there will be as many memories and as much laughter with less damage to my liver, wallet, and dignity.

I have six bridesmaids... eight if you include the junior bridesmaids... ten if you include the honorary attendants. I digress -- this post is about the six core girls that will be walking down the aisle in front of me with matching dresses and bouquets.

I'll briefly introduce each of them below, but you'll see that they are from all over the country and play varied roles in my life. While each of them is special to me, not all of them know each other, the ones who've met might not know each other well, and the ones who knew each other best in college might not have stayed in contact in the four years that have passed.

I came up with an email icebreaker for all of them to share basic personal information, bridesmaid/wedding stuff, and answer some random, fun questions (i.e. what they would do if they won the lottery, what kind of animal would they be and why, and what's their ideal vacation spot). The answers are still coming in, but I think my bridesmaids are learning a lot about each other -- and I'm learning new things about them, too!

Without further ado, I give you my BMs, in the order that I met them:

-- Ms. S from Alabama: My roommate throughout college, except for sophomore year when I had a wretched experience with another person -- but I've blocked that out. Anyway, God matched us up perfectly, and I love this girl dearly. I would trust her with my life. Literally, we even shared a joint checking account to pay our bills the last few years of college. If that's not trust, then I don't know what is! If I didn't have my older sisters serving as honorary attendants, then Ms. S would be my maid of honor hands down. She might be relieved that she doesn't have to do a toast... but I might ask her to do one anyway. ;-)

-- Mrs. R from Massachusetts (currently in Florida): We served on dorm council together our freshman year of college, and we pretty much annoyed each other the entire time. Then, sophomore year, we realized how alike we were --- both ESTJs, lol -- and started hanging out more often. We've spent many hours bonding over random girls' nights, crazy guy experiences (before we both met "the one," of course), and now discussing marriage counseling and wedding planning.

-- Ms. A from Mississippi: We met through Mrs. R. We were also in the same dorm, and Ms. A's roommate used to style my hair. However, Ms. A was so quiet and focused that I had no idea what a wild child she was inside. Okay, I'm exaggerating. Ms. A is one of those friends who knows how to make the best of any situation. In fact, the night that I left Atlanta for good, when everything in the apartment was packed, Ms. A and I slept on a leaking air mattress and used Ms. S's graduation robe as a blanket.

-- Ms. K from Connecticut (currently in Michigan): We've been neighbors throughout graduate school, and we're the closest thing you can get to roommates while still living alone. We have movie nights, borrow things, check out weird noises/shadows, and recently we've started cooking together sometimes. If it weren't for Ms. K, my graduate school experience would have been horrible, especially my first year when we took the statistics class from Hades! Lu has even said that he's glad Ms. K's a woman because if she were a guy, he'd be extremely jealous of our relationship.

-- Ms. L from Virginia (currently in Michigan): I met Ms. L on a recruiting trip for graduate school. I think I did a pretty good job recruiting because she joined my department the next year. I can't remember whether or not I was assigned to be Ms. L's official mentor, but I've definitely taken her under my wing. Somewhere along the way, we transitioned from mentor/mentee to really great friends. I love Ms. L because in addition to being thoughtful and genuine, she's so randomly unexpected. Ms. L can do equally well at sports trivia and Disney trivia... and also does everything from decorate cakes to scrapbooking.

-- Ms. N from DC (currently in Michigan): I've known Ms. N for the least amount of time in years -- only since 2008 when we met at a(nother) recruitment/grad school information meeting -- but she's one of those people who you feel like you've known forever. She truly embodies the motto "work hard, play harder." When you're around Ms. N, you just can't help but to feed off of her positive energy and passion for life. Ms. N has been a huge advocate of not only Lu and I currently, but also our futures. I still smile every time she calls me "Dr. A-Dot" or Lu "Pastor."