So if you've read my first post or my second, you should already know that I'm not the type of guy to take a backseat on this journey to marriage. In fact, when I'm not in the passenger seat providing the navigation, I even enjoy getting behind the wheel and giving it a go myself. Needless to say, the same holds true when it comes to making wedding plans.
Although I would love to pretend that I'm the type of guy to just sit back and let Val do everything herself, the reality is, I'm not. If this marriage is about coming together as a team to accomplish the things we can't do by ourselves, then our first scrimmage match is the wedding. If I step on the court not knowing how to dribble or shoot, we might as well forfeit. As Val's sister so eloquently put it "This is his day, too" so I should be able to have some say in what it looks like.
Although I would love to pretend that I'm the type of guy to just sit back and let Val do everything herself, the reality is, I'm not. If this marriage is about coming together as a team to accomplish the things we can't do by ourselves, then our first scrimmage match is the wedding. If I step on the court not knowing how to dribble or shoot, we might as well forfeit. As Val's sister so eloquently put it "This is his day, too" so I should be able to have some say in what it looks like.
Before going any further, let me clarify. I am in no sense a "groomzilla" nor do I desire to have everything my way.
I'm a big picture person and play to that strength, while letting Val do what she does best: handle the details. The reality is, deciding between pumpkin orange and burnt orange, lanterns and candelabras, or white and ivory shirts is not my specialty. In fact, dealing with these details often causes intense unnecessary stress and frustration -- so much so that I can become apathetic to the decision all together.
Now, if I were to approach the decision from a more global perspective (ivory shirts clash with a white dress, pumpkin orange can make things look to "halloweeny", and all the centerpieces don't have to be identical), the decision is easy: white shirts, burnt orange, and a mix of lanterns and candles.
I'm a big picture person and play to that strength, while letting Val do what she does best: handle the details. The reality is, deciding between pumpkin orange and burnt orange, lanterns and candelabras, or white and ivory shirts is not my specialty. In fact, dealing with these details often causes intense unnecessary stress and frustration -- so much so that I can become apathetic to the decision all together.
Now, if I were to approach the decision from a more global perspective (ivory shirts clash with a white dress, pumpkin orange can make things look to "halloweeny", and all the centerpieces don't have to be identical), the decision is easy: white shirts, burnt orange, and a mix of lanterns and candles.
Despite my apprehension to details, I know it wouldn't be fair to make Val handle every detail on her own. Even though she thrives in details, they can be overwhelming. And it's not like she just has tons of free time on her hands. She's a graduate student past the point of taking classes. Every hour she's awake, she could and should be devoted to making progress towards finishing. So I try to help out wherever I can, be it contacting a vendor, googling pictures of cakes I like, learning Adobe Illustrator for our DIY projects, or registering for Michaels email coupon offers. Okay, the last Michael's coupons were Val's idea.
Back to my team analogy...we're more like tag-team partners. While we're each fully capable of handling business on our own, two is better than one. So whenever one of us is overwhelmed or overworked all we have to do is reach out a hand and tag the other person in.
Sometimes though, we're both needed in the ring at the same time; and it's not as simple as checking off items on her "honey do" list. For example, the guest list -- while still not in it's final draft -- has gone through many, many revisions. It's required respect for each other's wishes and the ability to compromise.
Another, more fun, example of something that we have to do together is cake tasting. I am really looking forward to this part of the planning. Come on, who doesn't get excited about tasting every variety of cake and fillings a baker has to offer.
Another, more fun, example of something that we have to do together is cake tasting. I am really looking forward to this part of the planning. Come on, who doesn't get excited about tasting every variety of cake and fillings a baker has to offer.
So I guess all of this is to say, as a groom, you shouldn't be afraid to have an opinion about the wedding. Yeah, I know everyone says "It's her day, she's walking down the aisle," but the reality is she's walking down the aisle to meet you. Most women might have an idea of what they want, but they haven't thought of every, single detail before they get engaged-- at least I hope not, that's a little scary. Even if they have, then they still need help making it come together.
And regardless of what flowers you choose, dress colors you decide on, cake topper you go with, tux you choose, centerpiece you like, or gifts you give your attendants, the day is about you and your bride. Nothing should change that, and every decision you make should only enhance the sense of euphoria you both feel.
And regardless of what flowers you choose, dress colors you decide on, cake topper you go with, tux you choose, centerpiece you like, or gifts you give your attendants, the day is about you and your bride. Nothing should change that, and every decision you make should only enhance the sense of euphoria you both feel.
So without further ado here are my Top 10 tips for any groom tired of just saying, "Whatever you want, Dear":
- Accept the fact that it's okay for you to have an opinion. You might not have thought about everything the way that she has or as long as she has, but you don't have to play into the uninterested groom stereotype.
- Inform your bride of your newly-discovered opinions. More often than not, she will appreciate your contributions.
- Ask her, "How can I help?"and mean it. Be willing to help how and where she needs you to pitch in.
- Don't take over. Despite my attempt to equalize things, the day is still more about her than you.
- When she's stressed out and frustrated, reach out your hand so she can tag you in.
- Choose one thing that you aren't willing to compromise on (i.e. church, limo, tux, etc.). There will be something, and you should put it out there early in the process.
- Once you've told her the one thing that you have to have, be willing to compromise on everything else.
- Play to your strengths. You don't have to pick out flowers and put together favors. (That's what her bridesmaids are for.) If you like music, find the band. If you're good with money, handle the budget.
- Be open. I'm actually developing somewhat of an appreciation for stores like Michaels.
- Support her. You're in this together, don't wait till the wedding day to be her rock. Start now.
I love this Lu and it so very true! At the end the bride will appreciate the groom who is just as excited about the process as she is. I love you and Val!
This is great!!! Lu is right, more grooms need to take his lead. Wonderful!