Lu and I had a great pre-marital counseling session with the couple from our church in Michigan. Our discussion was based on The First Years of Forever by Ed Wheat and Gloria Perkins, and the topic was conflict resolution and communication. These topics go hand in hand because pretty much all conflict -- whether in a marriage or not -- stems from communication, or more accurately, miscommunication.
Communication is one of those huge words that can mean anything and encompass everything, so the couple mostly focused on two words that can wreak havoc in a marriage:"Yes, but...."
The phrase itself is an oxymoron. "Yes" means that you agree, while "but" indicates that you do not. While the phrase is often used to soften a rebuttal, in actuality, it negates everything the other person just said!
Instead of breaking out the conversation-killer, couples should try to use phrases like:
"I see what you mean."
"I hadn't thought of that."
If you really don't agree, then you should point out specifically where you differ:
"I agree with what you said about x, y, and z. I think about a, b, and c a little differently than you do."
Or you can pull out the old peer-mediation technique of repeating what the other person told you in your own words:
"Just to make sure I understand where you're coming from, you're saying...."
I like the third technique for two reasons. First, it requires you to actually listen to what the other person said and process it enough to put it in your own terms. Most of the time, we're so worried about proving our point and putting together our argument, that we don't even hear what the other person is saying -- much less truly listen.
In addition, while "Yes, but" is dismissive, the last suggestion makes the other person feel validated. Oftentimes, we just want to know that the person that we're speaking to is paying attention.
Remember those first few dates you had with your partner? How engaged you were in the conversation? How you were just as, if not more, invested in soaking up everything he or she said as you were in talking about yourself? That should be enhanced in marriage.
Everyone knows how to build strong communication, but we tend to slack off when it comes to maintaining it. Listening to your partner and letting your partner know that you do really care is how you can keep communication strong.
Communication is one of those huge words that can mean anything and encompass everything, so the couple mostly focused on two words that can wreak havoc in a marriage:"Yes, but...."
The phrase itself is an oxymoron. "Yes" means that you agree, while "but" indicates that you do not. While the phrase is often used to soften a rebuttal, in actuality, it negates everything the other person just said!
Instead of breaking out the conversation-killer, couples should try to use phrases like:
"I see what you mean."
"I hadn't thought of that."
If you really don't agree, then you should point out specifically where you differ:
"I agree with what you said about x, y, and z. I think about a, b, and c a little differently than you do."
Or you can pull out the old peer-mediation technique of repeating what the other person told you in your own words:
"Just to make sure I understand where you're coming from, you're saying...."
I like the third technique for two reasons. First, it requires you to actually listen to what the other person said and process it enough to put it in your own terms. Most of the time, we're so worried about proving our point and putting together our argument, that we don't even hear what the other person is saying -- much less truly listen.
In addition, while "Yes, but" is dismissive, the last suggestion makes the other person feel validated. Oftentimes, we just want to know that the person that we're speaking to is paying attention.
Remember those first few dates you had with your partner? How engaged you were in the conversation? How you were just as, if not more, invested in soaking up everything he or she said as you were in talking about yourself? That should be enhanced in marriage.
Everyone knows how to build strong communication, but we tend to slack off when it comes to maintaining it. Listening to your partner and letting your partner know that you do really care is how you can keep communication strong.
What a great summary of communication---eve some things we may ot have covered, I hope people read your blogs which ca be very helpful for other dating or engaged couples.