After reviewing some of the typical wedding spots in Southern Maryland, Jeremy and I went with... an office building. Huh?! Yes, we turned down the harbors, the vineyard, and the traditional banquet hall for an executive center.

While this initially seems atypical, Treetops Maryland, actually came up with an ingenious plan for maximizing the use of its facility.... Office space by day and elegant venue for social events by night and on weekends.

Although we're not allowed to get too far into wedding planning, our counselors understand that getting married in a different state requires a bit of forethought and allowed us to set up meetings to visit different reception facilities on our upcoming trip to Maryland.

It turns out that we didn't even have to go through the entire process because there was only one venue that fit all of our seemingly-simple criteria: beautiful location (bonus points if it fit the vintage theme), great staff, reasonable price (under $10,000), and ability to work with a bride and groom 600 miles away!

This is my account of my best and worst experiences. Keep in mind, this is what I experienced simply trying to request more information and set up appointments. Imagine what the wedding planning process would be like -- for better or for worse!

Me: I don't want a long engagement. Can you imagine how crazy it'd be to plan a wedding over the school year?

Lu: Yeah, and it's not like we'd be able to save a lot more money if we waited until next year.

Me: Besides, all the big decisions have to be made in the next few months anyway.

Lu: True, and I really want to start our life together. Being engaged is fun, but it's not exactly the end goal.

Me: But if we get married too soon, everyone's going to think I'm pregnant.

Lu: We'll just tell them we're celibate.... They'll understand!

Even though Lu was joking, there's definitely some truth to his statement. Although there are fewer shotgun weddings than there used to be -- a combination of both lower failure rates for birth control and a greater acceptance of unwed mothers -- it's pretty much understood that everyone is having sex. Even if two people aren't in love or even in a relationship, there's the assumption that a man and a woman who are attracted to each other are sleeping together.

This isn't the case. Lu and I aren't virgins, but both of us decided that sex is something that should be saved for marriage. I used to feel odd about our celibacy. I'm a very outspoken person about my relationship with Lu and my life in general. However, when it came to the topic of sex, I was always very careful how I mentioned our sex life, or lack thereof.

I found myself rambling off a list of ready-made excuses as to why we weren't sleeping together, "It's not that we're not attracted to each other, but we're just kinda saving ourselves for marriage because, um, that's what you're supposed to do as a Christian. You know, you go to church, right? They always say that.... And it's not like it's absolutely horrible to wait. We still kiss and hold each other and stuff. It can be tough sometimes, but I think this will make our relationship stronger because, um, it just shows our love is deeper than sex. You know?.... Yeah, we're celibate."

In the beginning of our relationship, this awkward speech was partly to convince myself that celibacy actually was okay.  That is was normal and good for our closeness and romantic gestures to actually come from a place of love, instead of a haze of lust. In theory, it was definitely the way to go. In practice, there were times when I could identify with Jill Scott's "Celibacy Blues" more than I ever thought I would.

Sure enough, as our relationship has progressed, celibacy truly has helped us in a number of ways.

For instance, communication. When we argue, we can't just hop in the sack to make it all better. We actually have to talk out what's bothering us until we solve the problem. Crazy thought, huh?

Then there's the romance factor that I mentioned earlier. He brings me fresh flowers almost every week, I'll massage his shoulders after a rough day, and we have candlelit dinners because we truly enjoy each other -- not because there's an expectation that it's going to lead to the bedroom.

Most importantly, I know that our connection isn't just based off of infatuation or pheromones.  Once our bodies physically start to change, our deeper attraction will remain.

 Obviously, I've gotten more comfortable and more bold discussing my celibate relationship. I've found out that -- surprise, surprise -- we're not the only ones. Ironically (or not), most of my friends in happy relationships and marriages are/were celibate, and the ones with the most drama are having the "best sex ever." I've fallen into that trap before, too. Great sex does not equal a great relationship! In fact, sleeping with someone too soon can ruin the potential for something special.

There are even a number of celibate celebrities, including Lady Gaga (yikes). Unfortunately, most of these celebs are just taking a break from sex, instead of waiting until marriage. While it's not an ideal, it's nice to know that there are public figures who are not promoting rampant sex.


This isn't to totally discount love-making. I certainly look forward to the day when sex will enhance our marriage. As one newlywed friend said, "Marriage is hard work, but it's beautiful. Even more beautiful when you built the relationship not based on the physical. But trust, the physical aspects are definitely the icing on the cake!"

Lu and I had a great pre-marital counseling session with the couple from our church in Michigan. Our discussion was based on The First Years of Forever by Ed Wheat and Gloria Perkins, and the topic was conflict resolution and communication. These topics go hand in hand because pretty much all conflict -- whether in a marriage or not -- stems from communication, or more accurately, miscommunication.

Communication is one of those huge words that can mean anything and encompass everything, so the couple mostly focused on two words that can wreak havoc in a marriage:"Yes, but...."

The phrase itself is an oxymoron. "Yes" means that you agree, while "but" indicates that you do not. While the phrase is often used to soften a rebuttal, in actuality, it negates everything the other person just said!

Instead of breaking out the conversation-killer, couples should try to use phrases like:

"I see what you mean."

"I hadn't thought of that."

If you really don't agree, then you should point out specifically where you differ:

"I agree with what you said about x, y, and z. I think about a, b, and c a little differently than you do."

Or you can pull out the old peer-mediation technique of repeating what the other person told you in your own words:


"Just to make sure I understand where you're coming from, you're saying...."

I like the third technique for two reasons. First, it requires you to actually listen to what the other person said and process it enough to put it in your own terms. Most of the time, we're so worried about proving our point and putting together our argument, that we don't even hear what the other person is saying -- much less truly listen.

In addition, while "Yes, but" is dismissive, the last suggestion makes the other person feel validated. Oftentimes, we just want to know that the person that we're speaking to is paying attention.

Remember those first few dates you had with your partner? How engaged you were in the conversation? How you were just as, if not more, invested in soaking up everything he or she said as you were in talking about yourself? That should be enhanced in marriage.

Everyone knows how to build strong communication, but we tend to slack off when it comes to maintaining it. Listening to your partner and letting your partner know that you do really care is how you can keep communication strong.

I'm not wearing my ring right now.... 


No worries. It's just spending a week at the jeweler's getting resized. 

I know that I have tiny hands, but even I was a bit skeptical when the jeweler told me that I wore a size 5 ring. Heeding the warnings of his mother and me, Lu decided to get a 5 1/4 just to be safe. Of course, since jewelers size rings every day and Lu's mother and I have only gotten engaged once, my engagement ring was loose -- not falling off loose, but constantly-sliding-to-the-side loose. 

I didn't think this would be a problem, however I've realized that I need to be ring-ready at all times. Whenever someone congratulates me, the next question is, "Can I see your ring?" (Actually, it's more of a squeal/shriek "Let me see the ring!!" exclamation.) 

Trust me, having to straighten it on my finger first doesn't give the same effect as just flashing my hand.

I knew that I would probably have to get it resized eventually, but I love my ring and have grown quite attached to it. The last thing I wanted to do was to send it away in the hands of some stranger, even a professional stranger who spends the day surrounded by millions of dollars worth of jewelry. 

Instead, I decided that a ring guard would fix the problem. If you're not familiar with them, a ring guard is essentially a metal strip that's wrapped around the inside of the ring to make the band smaller and to keep it from slipping. If you look at the picture below, you'll see that it's secured to the base of the band, so it's generally not visible from the top or the sides.

While the ring guard was effective at keeping the ring in place and didn't distract from the bling factor, there were a few downsides:

1) The metal can scratch the gold on the ring. If you spend several hundred to several thousand dollars on a ring, you don't want a $5 piece of aluminum scraping it.

2) It can get uncomfortable. Like most people, my fingers swell in the morning and when it's hot outside. While a regular ring will feel tight, the ring guard feels like it's actually digging into your skin when your hand's swollen.

3) It scraped the skin off of my finger when I tried to remove the ring.... Yes, go ahead and gasp. My finger is wounded from the guard.

Therefore, I've traded my beautiful ring for a bandaid for the week. I could have experimented with other solutions, but none of them would have been as permanent or comfortable as getting the ring resized.  

It's only been a day, but I must admit that I already feel a little illegitimate and kinda naked without my engagement ring. It'll be interesting to see how the rest of the week progresses. 

I skipped "Wedding Porn Wednesdays" yesterday because I was busy working on... our website!

While we don't have to send out invitations for months, Lu and I need to have a good idea of how many people we "expect" to come to the wedding because the coordinator at the venue, caterer, baker, photographer, and florist all need estimates.

I have six bridesmaids... eight if you include the junior bridesmaids... ten if you include the honorary attendants. I digress -- this post is about the six core girls that will be walking down the aisle in front of me with matching dresses and bouquets.

I'll briefly introduce each of them below, but you'll see that they are from all over the country and play varied roles in my life. While each of them is special to me, not all of them know each other, the ones who've met might not know each other well, and the ones who knew each other best in college might not have stayed in contact in the four years that have passed.

I came up with an email icebreaker for all of them to share basic personal information, bridesmaid/wedding stuff, and answer some random, fun questions (i.e. what they would do if they won the lottery, what kind of animal would they be and why, and what's their ideal vacation spot). The answers are still coming in, but I think my bridesmaids are learning a lot about each other -- and I'm learning new things about them, too!

Without further ado, I give you my BMs, in the order that I met them:

-- Ms. S from Alabama: My roommate throughout college, except for sophomore year when I had a wretched experience with another person -- but I've blocked that out. Anyway, God matched us up perfectly, and I love this girl dearly. I would trust her with my life. Literally, we even shared a joint checking account to pay our bills the last few years of college. If that's not trust, then I don't know what is! If I didn't have my older sisters serving as honorary attendants, then Ms. S would be my maid of honor hands down. She might be relieved that she doesn't have to do a toast... but I might ask her to do one anyway. ;-)

-- Mrs. R from Massachusetts (currently in Florida): We served on dorm council together our freshman year of college, and we pretty much annoyed each other the entire time. Then, sophomore year, we realized how alike we were --- both ESTJs, lol -- and started hanging out more often. We've spent many hours bonding over random girls' nights, crazy guy experiences (before we both met "the one," of course), and now discussing marriage counseling and wedding planning.

-- Ms. A from Mississippi: We met through Mrs. R. We were also in the same dorm, and Ms. A's roommate used to style my hair. However, Ms. A was so quiet and focused that I had no idea what a wild child she was inside. Okay, I'm exaggerating. Ms. A is one of those friends who knows how to make the best of any situation. In fact, the night that I left Atlanta for good, when everything in the apartment was packed, Ms. A and I slept on a leaking air mattress and used Ms. S's graduation robe as a blanket.

-- Ms. K from Connecticut (currently in Michigan): We've been neighbors throughout graduate school, and we're the closest thing you can get to roommates while still living alone. We have movie nights, borrow things, check out weird noises/shadows, and recently we've started cooking together sometimes. If it weren't for Ms. K, my graduate school experience would have been horrible, especially my first year when we took the statistics class from Hades! Lu has even said that he's glad Ms. K's a woman because if she were a guy, he'd be extremely jealous of our relationship.

-- Ms. L from Virginia (currently in Michigan): I met Ms. L on a recruiting trip for graduate school. I think I did a pretty good job recruiting because she joined my department the next year. I can't remember whether or not I was assigned to be Ms. L's official mentor, but I've definitely taken her under my wing. Somewhere along the way, we transitioned from mentor/mentee to really great friends. I love Ms. L because in addition to being thoughtful and genuine, she's so randomly unexpected. Ms. L can do equally well at sports trivia and Disney trivia... and also does everything from decorate cakes to scrapbooking.

-- Ms. N from DC (currently in Michigan): I've known Ms. N for the least amount of time in years -- only since 2008 when we met at a(nother) recruitment/grad school information meeting -- but she's one of those people who you feel like you've known forever. She truly embodies the motto "work hard, play harder." When you're around Ms. N, you just can't help but to feed off of her positive energy and passion for life. Ms. N has been a huge advocate of not only Lu and I currently, but also our futures. I still smile every time she calls me "Dr. A-Dot" or Lu "Pastor."

Venues

I know all of you are waiting with bated breath for Lu's post on the details of how he planned and executed the proposal. In the meantime, I'll give you an update on what we've done since our engagement on Wednesday.

After the kissing, cuddling, and telling all of our friends and family through phone, email, video, and pictures -- gotta love technology -- we sat down and created some "Wedding Planning Ground Rules." The purpose of these rules is to avoid at least some of the stress typically associated with wedding planning.

We know that everyone will have their own ideas of when, where, and what we should do for our wedding. Oftentimes, since you can't exactly bite off Aunt Well-Meaning-But-Bossy's head, the future bride and groom will lash out at each other. We don't want that to happen, so these are the rules that we've created to hopefully avoid that situation:

1) Our marriage always has priority over our wedding.

2) Decisions will be based on:
a. Appeal -- We want our wedding to be "us," so a lot of our initial ideas will be based on how something looks and feels. Does it fit our personalities? Does it work with our theme?
b. Cost -- Although we'll have tons of ideas, we are graduate students and have financial constraints. On the other hand, we do have the time and energy to barter (or beg) and do some things ourselves.
c. Feasibility -- Some of our great ideas just aren't going to happen. We need to know when to just let it go.

3) Listen to the advice of others but make all decisions together... no matter how appealing it is or how convincing a person can be. It is our wedding, and it should be a reflection of us.

4) Let the other person fully explain all of their ideas before dismissing them, and never call an idea "stupid."

5) Have one "must-have" item each, and be flexible on other things. Adjust the budget to reflect our priorities.

6) Do not expand the guest list or "promise" people invitations without consulting each other. Both of us come from big families and have a wide social network of friends. However, weddings can easily cost anywhere from $50 - 150 (or more) for each guest by the time you factor in invitations, food, linens, centerpieces, favors, the cake, etc. Do I really want to spend an extra $75 to invite my great-uncle's niece's boyfriend?

7) Each Wednesday, have a weekly progress report to discuss: timeline, budget, guest list/RSVPs, and any other developments.

8) In addition to our Wendesday pow-wows, create a Google Docs spreadsheet to keep everything updated and organized.

9) Regularly check to make sure that neither of us is over-worked or, alternatively, feels left out.

10) If we begin to raise our voices or talk over each other, then we should take a 2-minute time out.

** Bonus ** Fridays will be our date night. No wedding talk allowed!


After creating this list, Lu and I realized that a lot of these rules should not only apply to wedding planning, but we should make them the cornerstone of our future marriage.