~* Ash *~
With two weeks left until the wedding, it's time to make a decision. What will my name be on October 16, 2010 at 4:30 pm?
Take Lu's Last Name
Hyphenate My Name
Two weeks from today, I cannot wait to share my my love, my life, and my name with Lu.
Before I was engaged, the name change decision was easy. In fact, when I graduated college, I used to joke that in five years, I'd be Dr. Reid-Something.
I like my name. I've accomplished many things under my name. People know me by my name. There was no way that I was just going to give up such a vital part of my identity. I was going to recognize my marriage by hyphenating my name, but I was keeping my name. Period.
After I got engaged to Lu, things became a bit more complicated. Lu and I had three sets of counselors (our covering pastors, a couple who attends our church, and the pastor who is officiating our ceremony). As different as our counseling experiences were, they all recommended the same three necessary ingredients, besides love, to maintain a successful marriage: communication, forgiveness, and unselfishness..... Unselfishness. Hmmm, notice the 7 "my"s, 5 "I"s, and 1 "me" in the previous paragraph.
In our sessions with our counselors, our discussions were framed in terms of finances, running our household, finding a work-life balance, etc. However, selfishness came up in an area that we weren't expecting: my name.
Whether or not to change my name has been a not-so-minor source of strain both psychologically and logistically. In this day and age, any of the above options that I mentioned are completely acceptable, and I've know people who have done them all.
Since I'm not interested in becoming a four-name person, I had three basic options when it came to my married name: 1) keep my original name; 2) take Lu's last name; or 3) hyphenate my name to recognize both.
These were the pros/cons of each (in my opinion):
These were the pros/cons of each (in my opinion):
Keep My Maiden Name
- Pros:
- Maintaining my professional identity.
- No legal paperwork.
- I'd give feminism a metaphorical fist bump. In the opinion of one feminist writer of Columbia University's Sister magazine, "Surnames are one of the most powerful tools used by patriarchy to deny women not only equal rights but even personhood." I see where she's coming from, but denying personhood? That's a bit extreme.
- Cons:
- Most people won't appreciate my decision to take a stand against patriarchy, and some won't even acknowledge it. After all, we've been already getting wedding gifts addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. Brown."
- Pros:
- It's traditional and convenient.
- Since we're sharing every other aspect of our life, sharing a name will be another way to mold from "him and me" to "us."
- I get to practice my new signature and get all the corny monogrammed stuff my heart desires. Petty, but life is about the simple pleasures.
- Cons:
- The paperwork to change my name will be a pain in the rear.
- I probably will initially struggle with a sense of identity loss.
- Pros:
- I get the best of both worlds -- acknowledging my marriage, while being true to my maiden self.
- Cons:
- It can get confusing. I've heard horror stories of people having duplicate medical records, not being able to cash checks, etc. While hyphens are more common, you don't always get a free pass to use your maiden or married name depending on how you feel.
- The paperwork is still there.
- What the heck will our daughter do when she gets married?
Due to the potential confusion of hyphenating, I eliminated that option right away. (So long Dr. Reid-Something.) Then it was down to keeping my name or taking Lu's name. Some people have legitimate reasons to keep their name -- an established career, a public persona, a strong feminist ideology, etc.
I have none of the above.
Sure, I've done several presentations and published a paper under my name, but I'm not exactly "established" or "public."
And while I appreciate feminism, I'm not going to blindly follow feminist ideals. I need to critically think about if it's more important to maintain my pre-marriage identity or recognize the union with my husband. (Of course, there's always the option of him taking my name, but wouldn't that be me assuming the role of the oppressor? And like I said earlier, I'm not really feeling the four-name option.)
Early in this post, I talked about selfishness. When I got right down to it, I just didn't like the idea of filling out a bunch of paperwork to assume what has to be one of the common names on the face of the earth.
I googled my new name and got over 8 million results (28 times more than my maiden name). Although this would be great if I ever wanted to be totally anonymous, I don't. I'd have to jump through all of these paperwork hoops to not only lose the identity associated with my name, but also it's semi-unique quality.
So what did I decide to do?
Quite simply: Get over it.
There will be no hyphen. I will not have four names. (Although, I might pass my former middle name on to my daughter if I have one.) Once I laid out the pros and cons, it was a lot easier to see that I'm not losing "me," but I am joining a greater unit of "us."
I have none of the above.
Sure, I've done several presentations and published a paper under my name, but I'm not exactly "established" or "public."
And while I appreciate feminism, I'm not going to blindly follow feminist ideals. I need to critically think about if it's more important to maintain my pre-marriage identity or recognize the union with my husband. (Of course, there's always the option of him taking my name, but wouldn't that be me assuming the role of the oppressor? And like I said earlier, I'm not really feeling the four-name option.)
Early in this post, I talked about selfishness. When I got right down to it, I just didn't like the idea of filling out a bunch of paperwork to assume what has to be one of the common names on the face of the earth.
I googled my new name and got over 8 million results (28 times more than my maiden name). Although this would be great if I ever wanted to be totally anonymous, I don't. I'd have to jump through all of these paperwork hoops to not only lose the identity associated with my name, but also it's semi-unique quality.
So what did I decide to do?
Quite simply: Get over it.
There will be no hyphen. I will not have four names. (Although, I might pass my former middle name on to my daughter if I have one.) Once I laid out the pros and cons, it was a lot easier to see that I'm not losing "me," but I am joining a greater unit of "us."
Two weeks from today, I cannot wait to share my my love, my life, and my name with Lu.
Welcome to the AB life. It's the best!!!!!
I've been waiting for this one! :) Congratulations on your decision.
I love this. Using your maiden name as your middle name is a great idea. Two thumbs up! BTW I can't wait to see you all in a few weeks.
Oh goodie.... That means we can still call you Reid!!
I was wondering what you were going to do as well. Funny enough I had the SAME EXACT thought process with the SAME EXACT conclusion. Congrats on your decision and Congrats on the BIG DAY!!!! Love ya!!!