Note: Still waiting on the official wedding pictures. I'll continue my recap with the rehearsal dinner/rehearsal tomorrow.

On Saturday, I was truly blessed by a conference I attended at church called "Women In God Soar" (or WINGS -- gotta love acronyms). Sponsored by the United Sisters, this conference was just what I needed as I enter this transition period in my life emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually.

I left feeling empowered by not only the messages I received but by the overall spirit of being surrounded by a group of dynamic, Christian women. I was particularly touched by the two groups sessions that I attended: "Building Strong and Healthy Christian Marriages" and "Women in God Sore: Learning to Deal with People Who Have Failed You."

Oh, yeah. Deep topics.

Part of me wishes that I'd recorded these sessions, so that I could transcribe the conversations that occurred, however words alone could not capture the mood of the room and the safe space that encouraged women to open up about some very private issues. (Another reason why I won't transcribe them, I respect the confidentiality of everything that was shared.)

Nonetheless, to give you an overview of each:

Building Strong and Healthy Christian Marriages

This was so on time. With one week of marriage under my belt, I can already tell you that it's work!

Lu and I are still riding the wave of lovey-dovey newlywed bliss, but this marriage thing isn't exactly natural. All of the things that we learned in counseling gave us a great base to work from, but some lessons you learn (or have to recall) on the fly. For example, Ms. L invited me to hang out for a few hours after the conference. Lu wanted to cook dinner together and I wanted to go to bed early (sinus infection -- blah), so we had to talk about timing. Not a big deal, but not exactly, "Hey, I'm going to hang out with Les. I'll call you when I'm free. Love you!"

But I digress. Taken from 1 Thessalonians 5: 11-18, Dr. Kris Andrews led a lecture and discussion that talked about the importance of prayer, practice, and praise for building a healthy marriage.

• Prayer: Of course, there's the phrase that the family that prays together stays together, but what do you pray about? Dr. Andrews suggests that you pray for -- well, a bunch of things, includng: a spirit of love, humility, and forgiveness; effective communication; wisdom; and a servant's heart to not only your husband but also to God. In addition, she also suggested that one pray before making love. It sounds a bit strange, but sex truly is a gift from God. In these busy times for both of us, praying for freedom from worry and stress and praying for passion, eagerness, and no inhibitions seem like they'll come in handy. At least in the future, between being newlyweds and ending celibacy, we're pretty good on the love-making aspect of marriage right now!

• Practice: Like I said, marriage doesn't always come naturally. Humans tend to be selfish (especially only children and youngest children -- just sayin'), and to learn to put someone else's needs above your own takes active practice. Dr. Andrews suggested that we practice peacemaking, patience, and forgiveness. Remember that verse in I Corinthians 13? Love keeps no record of wrongs? Yep, forgive and forget. After all, you're stuck with this person for life.

• Praise: It's important to praise God, but also to praise your partner. As an exercise, we created a list of things that we could praise our partner about, even in times  when our partner doesn't exactly seem the most praise-worthy. From taking out the trash to having a great sense of humor, our partners want to feel appreciated and worthy. If not, they'll start looking to places outside of the home to build their self-esteem. Not just in an adulterous way, but your partner may spend more time at work, in the ministry, volunteering, or some other affirming activity. These are things that may seem "good" but not when they take away from spending time at home.

Women in God Sore: Learning to Deal with People Who Have Failed You

This was a session about forgiveness -- one of my admittedly weaker areas. Led by Dr. Carol Burrell-Jackson, we walked through definitions of failure, examples of failure in the Bible, a powerful exercise about the complications of holding on to failure, and even some benefits of failure.

Then we talked about the five steps in the process of forgiveness:

1) Know what happened.
2) Confront what happened. If this isn't possible for safety or other reasons, then writing a letter about what happened and getting your feelings out can be helpful for cleansing.
3) Forgive. (This is a hard one.)
4) Move on with a spirit of love in your heart. (This is an even harder one!)
5) Be willing to trust again.

This session particularly touched me because I've dealt with some pretty big failures in my life, as has everyone. Forgiveness is something that truly is a process. I have a habit of putting things out of sight, out of mind -- not truly working through the issue but just escaping it and blocking it out. Instead of solving anything, this actually leads to repetition of the behavior.

For example, in high school and through college, I was in a series of abusive relationships -- verbally, emotionally, and physically. Yep, I've been through it, and it's affected me.

Wow, you don't know how hard it was to type those two sentences. Everyone always thinks of me as the person whose got it together, who has everything under control, and who succeeds -- seemingly pretty effortlessly -- at whatever I do. Smart. Nice. Pretty. Dependable. Unfailable.

Admitting this flaw, or this failure to myself, was extremely hard.

I could go into an in-depth self-analysis of why I found myself in these relationships that were harmful to me and poisonous to my ability to grow and flourish. However, I think a large part of it was that I was always the "superwoman." I'd meet a guy who was initially a good guy, then something would happen and the abusive pattern would start. Sometimes, I'd think it was my "fault." If I hadn't expressed my frustration in a certain way, or if I'd been able to read his mind about what/when he wanted time, space, sex, etc. then things would improve.

Then when the behavior didn't change, I'd switch to the mode of saving whatever guy I was dating. By this time, we'd been seeing each other long enough for me to realize that he'd grown up in an abusive family, or that he was overwhelmed with stress, or something that otherwise "excused" his behavior toward me. I couldn't leave him. What kind of person would I be to leave someone who needed my help?

Ultimately, I'd realize that the relationship was causing undue pain to me. The physical and verbal abuse, of course, are the easiest to handle and to leave. Someone crosses a very clear line and you know what you're dealing with.

However, emotional and mental abuse are always a bit tricky. People tend to control your time, be possessive of your behavior, and define your worth. It can be deceptively innocent at the beginning -- even flattering. Someone wants to spend all their time with you, call you to check up on you, and constantly compliment everything you do. Then it changes -- in both directions. I've dealt with the possessive, smothering type of man and the distant guy who'd "punish" me by denying me his time and/or affection when I'd done something that displeased him.

It becomes almost a game: Let's figure out how to make him happy. Which buttons should I never push? I tend to find a lot of my other "smart" friends have fallen into this trap. It's not abuse. It's just a puzzle to be figured out. Nonetheless, when you find yourself questioning your own value or attempting to live up to some impossible standard, that's when a line has certainly been crossed.

Even worse is the process of admitting it.

Dr. Susan Weitzman wrote a book entitled, Not to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages that tackles these very feelings of denial, shame, and unworthiness that occurs in these relationships. I think this problem is particularly prevalent in the black community when women are so focused on finding the "elusive, good, black man" and the community is so intent on protecting the few shining examples that exist that women are often re-victimized in the process of trying to free themselves. (Clarence Thomas and Anita Hill, anyone?)

In my experience, it just goes to show you how everything comes full circle. Before we met, Lu and I lived parallel lives for several years -- in Atlanta and at Michigan. We had several friends in common, and even frequented the same coffee shops. We could have met four years before we did.

However, God knew that we both were working on some things individually before we could come together. If I hadn't learned to forgive, I would never have been able to learn to trust again. I learned the hard way that you can't skip steps in the process of forgiveness.

Both of us are still a work in progress individually and together; but with Lu, I know that I can soar.