Today is not only Christmas Eve, but it's also my parents' 50th anniversary.

50 years.

Then...

50 years... of marriage.

... Now

50 years... of marriage... to the same person.

In this day and age, it's tough to imagine committing to 50 years of anything.

You don't have to commit to 50 years of school (I'm on the verge of exploding after 22 years), 50 years of work (most people don't even stay with the same company for more than 5 years anymore), or even 50 years in the same house (I've personally lived in 4 states in less than 10 years).

Our generation, more than any other before us, is always looking for something newer, better, and more interesting.  We're not really taught to appreciate what we have or fix things that don't work. Upgrading is an important part of our life. Heck, just ask any technology company.

Line for iPhone release (from www.businessinsider.com)

In fact, Lu and I were watching Family Feud, and one question during the fast money section was, "What is the first thing a man trades out when he 'makes it' financially?"

(Yes, I have a secret obsession with game shows.)

The audience laughed when the contestant immediately said, "His wife."

It was a funny answer, but it wasn't funny that it turned out to be number one on the board. Ouch!

My parents have definitely been through some tough times in their 50 years. It's not easy raising four children, or influencing the lives of four grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and two grand-dogs.

However, it's a blessing -- and an inspiration -- to know that they'd do it all again. No upgrading necessary.

Lu has a huge test on Tuesday, and we'd really appreciate it if everyone who reads this would send up a quick prayer!

In the meantime, I've been holding down the home front: cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, baking cookies, writing Christmas/thank you cards, and packing for our trip home for the holidays.

Although I hate chores, I must admit that I kinda like this. As weird as this sounds, it's actually putting me in the Christmas spirit.

In I, Isaac, Take Thee Rebekah: Moving from Romance to Lasting Love (one of the books we read during our engagement), Ravi Zacharias states that you must literally die to yourself everyday and serve your partnership. Many people go into a marriage with the preconception that it's going to be 50/50. However, one point that has been reiterated by our counselors, in our readings, and by other married couples is that this is not the case.

Marriage should always be 100/100.

Sometimes we can't give our absolute best, but this is when it's even more important to have the support of your spouse. This time, Lu needs me to bear a bit more than my "half" of our marriage.

Taking care of my household, even if there are only two of us right now, is putting me in a wonderful mood. Christmas is all about family, giving, peace, goodwill, and -- like the true essence of Jesus -- love.

I'm sure I won't always feel this great about folding socks and making tuna casserole, so I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can right now!

Lu and I have had a stressful week. School has been overwhelming for him and underwhelming for me, which has put both of us in a "what am I doing with my life" funk.

Up until this point, we've alternated our bad moods. When he's not feeling so great, I can calm him down or cheer him up. When I don't have the best attitude, he can make me smile or ignore me until I realize how childish I'm being.


With both of us tired and short-tempered, the last few days were full of bickering, snippy remarks, the cold shoulder, and a few temper tantrums (embarrassing, but true). In the interest of keeping our married life at least semi-private, I'm not going to go into the full details. However, just know that newlywed life was not all blue skies and sunshine.

Sure, we'd had some disagreements before this point. It's usually a case of over/under-sensitivity and being oblivious about crossing "the" line until the damage is done. In this case, the offended expresses their hurt, the offender apologizes, the offended accepts, and we discuss what we both could have done better.

This time, both of us committed two, big marital no-nos: being selfish and stubborn.

We've already acknowledged just how hard it is to live in this world of "we," but the rewards outweigh the hardships.

Somehow, we didn't remember that this time. In our pouting and pot banging, we forgot that a prideful "me" never feels as good as a happy "us."


Thank God we were able to put our differences -- and egos -- aside before any serious damage was done to our marriage. In fact, we both ended up laughing when we made up:

"It's all my fault."

"No, it's my fault." 

"No, really. Blame me. I'm the one who screwed up."

"But I screwed up more. You really needed me to understand where you were coming from this time."

"You needed me. I'm the one that dropped the ball."

And of course, we were able to enjoy one of the parts of marriage that I totally underestimated: makeup lovin' followed by freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. Neither made up for our arguing, but what a way to get back on track!

Lu and I have been married for less than two months, and the b-word has already taken a semi-prominent place in our life. Lu's mom says it, my mom says it, our friends drop it like it's not an issue, and even our fathers are okay with it.

Sure, it's kind of a joke at this point, but I feel like I have to pretend I'm okay with hearing it.

I'm not. The b-word makes me feel downright uncomfortable and nervous.

As far as I'm concerned, "baby" is just another four-letter word.

Lu and I are not ready for children. We're both still in school, we have a one-bedroom condo, and we want to be able to define our roles as husband and wife before moving on to mom and dad.... At least, that's what we tell people when they ask.

The honest truth? At the heart of the matter, we're too selfish and scared to bring children into our lives right now.

T-shirt available on www.zazzle.com.

To be fair, babies are cute, cuddly, precious, and a true miracle... when they're not ours. Looking at pregnant women and tiny newborns gives me the warm fuzzies. There's nothing quite like seeing the glow on a woman's face as she guides her friends' hand to the exact spot where the baby kicked. You can't duplicate the feeling of holding a perfect, miniature person who smells like sweet milk and baby powder.

Of course, that is until the baby vomits down your back, into your hair, and plays with it. Or until she poops through her diapers and onto her second dress of the day. Or until your little boy urinates in your face... and laughs. Or until you realize that you have total responsibility of this completely, helpless creature; and even when he/she grows up and (prayerfully) becomes "independent," they'll still be a vital part of your life.

Cute

Let's even back up a bit more. I'm going to reveal the conclusion that a number of my friends and I have come to after discussing our admittedly, ticking biological clocks (no worries, I won't disclose names): pregnancy is CREEPY. It's natural, but it's still disturbing.



There's another being living inside of you wreaking havoc on your emotions and body -- morning sickness, food cravings, acne, mood swings, heartburn, gas, sleepless nights, and not to mention the exponential weight gain and stretching.

Creepy

Then at a certain age, the baby starts doing whatever it feels like -- sucking its thumb, kicking, dancing, etc. -- still inside of you but acting on its own volition.

Oh, yeah. And all of this is before the whole process of going into labor.

I've had these conversations mostly with friends who have never had children, but my pregnant friends don't pretend that it's some completely, happy experience either. Even those with "easy" pregnancies complain about swollen feet, getting out of breath while trying to tie their shoes, not being able to take their usual allergy or pain medications, and how uncomfortable it feels waddling around a beach in August with 30 extra pounds wearing a maternity bathing suit.

New mothers describe post-labor hemorrhoids, 3 a.m. feedings, changing diapers almost every hour, sore nipples from breastfeeding, and the struggle between spending months trying to lose the baby weight and knowing that you're going to gain it all back when you try for baby #2 next year.

Bringing another life into this world really is an internal struggle. However, it's also a gift from God and an issue not to be taken lightly. In fact, when my biological clock started ticking, I got a dog to pause it.

Maggie is a big responsibility. However, she did not affect my body, was potty-trained in three months, can be left at home alone for several hours at a time, and will never be able to talk back.

On the other hand, she won't learn to read, have a first day of school, or dance in ballet recitals. She'll never bring home a great report card, science projects, or a boyfriend. There will be no proms, graduations, or wedding for Maggie. She will not be able to give Lu and me grandchildren, take care of us when we're old, or pass on the memories and legacy of our family.



Nonetheless, for us, Maggie is a step. Like real parents, we give her food and shelter, take her for shots and check-ups, arrange the occasional play date, and make sure that she has lots of love. Like a real daughter, she wakes us up in the morning when she has to potty, sits between us on the couch, doesn't like to sleep in her own bed at night, and goes to "daddy" when mommy won't let her do (or usually eat) something.

Lu and I are great dog parents, and one day we'll be great real parents.... Just not any time soon. With that said, if God has other plans, then we'll make it work. However, for now, I really wouldn't mind retiring the b-word for a few years.

Many brides grow their hair out before the wedding (and/or get extensions) to have long locks that can be perfectly spiraled or put in some elaborate up-do on the big day. However, within a few months of the "I dos," most women toss out the deep conditioner, take out the weave, and chop off their hair.

Some people describe it as freeing themselves from the stress of the wedding, others say that long hair makes them feel young or immature, and some women just plain like the convenience of short hair.

In my opinion, cutting your hair after the wedding is a lot like binge-eating after an extreme diet. You get sick of obsessing about being perfect, and you just want to be comfortable.

I'm known for being scissor-happy. My hair goes through cycles of growing and cutting. I'll grow my hair past my shoulders,


cut it to not-quite-shoulder-length,


grow it a little bit more again,


get sick of it, and chop it to my chin...



and repeat.



In fact, a few weeks after I graduated college, I cut off almost a foot of hair myself. Yep, I took some scissors into my parents' bathroom and went to work!

Why?

Well, there was the whole "new phase of life" thing. However, I'd also just gotten a cramp in my arm from spending almost two hours drying and straightening my hair -- all to go outside, sweat, and have my curls come right back. Goodbye, straight hair. Hello, pixie-cut curls!



This time, I've decided to do the opposite. I'm going to grow my hair as long as I can tolerate it.

I also got a Keratin treatment to keep my hair strong and healthy during the process. I blogged awhile back about how I was thinking of getting one but was nervous about it. I gave in, and I love it!

It's not the life-changing event that some people say, but I can blow-dry and flat iron my hair in 20-30 minutes flat. It still has body and volume. I even let it air-dry over the weekend, and my hair was mostly straight -- in a good way (i.e. not the damaged, flat relaxer-version of straight).

Over the next 3-5 months, my curls will supposedly return to their full glory. However, given how wonderful this has been so far, I might just keep it up!

** I've added a few questions since this was originally posted. If you have more, keep 'em coming!**

I know I promised these on Monday, but two days late isn't that bad. Right?

Here are all of the marriage questions that I received -- Facebook, email, and blog:

Q: Did you fully love yourself before you were married, or is it still a work in progress?

A: GREAT question! I did fully love myself; but maybe a bit too much (lol) because sometimes it can be difficult to be selfless and open-minded when you have to share everything with someone else. It's definitely a process going from "I" to "we," but it's so worth the journey!

Q: Do you think you would have been content with your life if you never got married?

A: I think that if I never met the right person, then I would have been content. Knowing in my heart that God put Lu in my life (even if the timing, our ages, bank accounts, education, etc. weren't "right"), I would not have been content if I'd let our opportunity to spend our lives together slip away.

Q: What happened to those books you used to read before you got engaged? Have you stopped?

A: Nope! The books just get longer after you get married. :-) On top of that we were also busy with the wedding, moving in together, finishing up the semester for school, etc. We are actually reading two books at once right now -- a daily devotional and Starting Your Marriage Right. I'll post reviews when we finish those.

Q: Do you wish you'd had a longer engagement?

A: Another month or two max would've been okay, but I think a long engagement would've driven me crazy. I would have second-guessed everything, and I wouldn't have been happy with the final outcome. Besides, I think that an engagement should be a transition phase, not the end goal. Six months was a bit short. Eight months to a year would've been fun -- throw in a few extra celebrations. Eighteen months would've have been the absolute limit for me, and even now I can't imagine what I would've done if I'd three times as long to plan.

Q: Was being celibate worth it?!

A: Oh, yeah. We're so comfortable with each other, and it's a truly intimate experience. Besides, I think we're making up for lost time pretty well. ;-)

Q: Were you all able to do everything for under 15-20K?

A: The total cost for our wedding (ceremony and reception) was right at $14,500. Looking at additional costs, the rehearsal dinner was $1000, the VIP booths at the lounge where we had our after party were $500, and our honeymoon comes in at just under $5000.

However, my parents gave us some money, Lu's parents paid for the rehearsal dinner (and hosted a second reception for us), and we had family members gift us things: the cake, church, ceremony decorations, and our transportation. Also, the cash gifts we got from the wedding are covering a large chunk of our honeymoon.

In the end, Lu and I paid about $13,000 of the $21,000 total.

Q: How does your actual marriage match up to the expectations you had for it?

A: We definitely expected our marriage to be fun, so that part lived up to what we thought it'd be. We still go out, spend evenings studying in the coffee shop, cook together, laugh and goof around, etc. However, every counselor, book, married family member/friend told us that the first few years of marriage would be full of stumbling blocks, disagreements, and even doubt as we learn to adapt to each other and develop our "marriage style." Even though we knew to expect some bumps, it's still weird when they happen. It hasn't even been two months yet, and I think we've gotten much better at handling things (based on the fact that problems seem to come up less often). Although there will be more adjustments when we get jobs, move, and have kids, I definitely think we're establishing good habits now to face the real issues later.

Q: Do you "feel" married?

A: Sometimes... I think. It's weird because they way that we spend time in our marriage is generally the same way we spent it while we were dating. However, we now share our finances, I have a new last name, and people treat us as more of a unit. There's also this peace that comes with knowing that you have someone there to support you through the stages of life.

Q: Were you really ready to give up other men forever?!

A: Yes! Based on my own experiences and living vicariously through my friends, dating is confusing, frustrating, and disappointing. A good man is hard to find. Finding a good man who wants to be in a relationship is rare. Finding a good man, who wants to be in a relationship and is a perfect fit for you is like finding a needle in a haystack!

Do I still think other guys are attractive? Yes. Do I wish I could still do random things with my single friends like speed dating or trying to catch the bouquet at a wedding? Yes. Do these things match up to my desire to be with Lu? Not. Even. Close.

Viral Facebook status updates have been used primarily to spread awareness about breast cancer. Last year, women posted their current bra color in their status messages. While this year's message was about stating where they like to put their purse when they come home (i.e. "I like it on the counter, sofa, floor, etc.").

The goal is to encourage people to ask what the status means, and it eventually spreads the word about the real meaning behind the risqué status.

However, Facebook's most recent viral status update was a Q&A. Your friends could inbox you any question they wanted, and you would be required to answer it on your status message without revealing the identity of the person who asked.

Since I got a few questions about marriage, I figured that I would open this up on the blog. Ask Lu and/or me a question about the wedding or our marriage, and we'll answer!

You can comment on this post or send an email to ashleyandjeremy2010@gmail.com. We'll post the answers on Monday!

'Tis the season to be... BUSY. Between planning a wedding, getting married, having a second reception, moving in together, and going to school, Lu and I have had a busy last few months.

Add to that holiday parties, Christmas shopping, planning my parents' 50th anniversary party, and a little thing called finals time, and the holidays are crazy!

Lu and I have come up with a way to save some time this season: We're combining our wedding thank you cards with our Christmas cards.

You're supposed to send thank you notes within six months of the wedding. Since we've received the majority of our gifts already, we've decided to get our cards out a bit early -- just in time for Christmas.

Once again, we've broken etiquette rules in favor of practicality. The thank you card is supposed to be totally separate because our wedding and Christmas are two, distinct "events." However, it doesn't make any sense to us to write two sets of cards, address two sets of envelopes, pay for two sets of postage, and send both to one set of addresses a few days/weeks apart.

The most difficult part was finding a card that would fit into both categories. Luckily, our fall wedding colors (burgundy, yellow, orange, and chocolate) go great with the deep reds and golds of the holiday season. We ended up designing our own cards on Vistaprint:



I think we did a great job. We also used using a coupon code to get 75% off -- 250 thank you/Christmas cards, envelopes, and coordinating return address labels for $42. The wedding definitely taught us how to stick to a budget! :-)

Lu and I are sleeping on a pull-out sofa in his parents' living room tonight, and I couldn't be happier.

We've been in South Carolina since Tuesday, had a wonderful Thanksgiving on Thursday, an amazing second reception yesterday (details soon), and we spent the entire day today with family... excluding nearly three hours in the coffee shop working, but that's our life!

What's made these last few days particularly special is that my parents, Aunt E and Uncle L, and Maggie have been here. We're all under one roof and having a blast!

I've posted before about how I get the warm fuzzies whenever I think about how happy I am that our families get along. However, today it really hit me that Lu and I have truly joined two families.

It's a big deal to just get along with our parental in-laws. (I've heard some horrible stories about mother-in-laws!) However, it takes it to another level to have our parents get along. Then to go a step further and be accepted by our immediate-family-in-laws is great. I cannot tell you how amazing it feels to have a Grandma. All of my grandparents passed while I was still in elementary school, and I just have a few, fleeting memories.

All of this is more than enough, but God has blessed us to the point where our aunts, uncles, cousins, church family, and family friends can be in the same room comfortably mingling with each other.

I think I always took it for granted that I had a close-knit family. However, joining another one and having a wonderful man by my side has made me realize just how wonderfully blessed I am -- even if I do have a few kinks in my back tomorrow morning!

Every Thanksgiving, my family goes around in a circle right before we say grace and each person shares what he/she is thankful for this year. Since I'm not sure if Lu's family does that, I'm going to share my list on here.

Today, I'm thankful for:

-- a healthy body and sound mind.
-- being married to the man of my dreams.
-- my immediate and extended family, who love me and pray for me, even when I'm not there.
-- the fact that my family has now grown to include all of Lu's aunts, uncles, cousins, and a new mom and dad!
-- friends and church family who have filled my life with love and joy as I trudge along this path called graduate school.
-- the light at the end of the tunnel to grad school!! The end is still far away, but at least I can see the light... kinda.
-- most importantly, a growing relationship with God, who ordained all of these things for my life.

Now it's time to sign off, and enjoy myself.... Have a blessed holiday. :-)

We're in Columbia, SC to spend Thanksgiving with Lu's family. Lu's parents have also planned a second reception for us, so we're excited for both Thursday and Friday afternoon. I'm especially excited because my parents are coming down on Friday with my aunt and uncle. :-)

However, the holidays aren't always the most wonderful time of the year for all couples. In fact, they can be downright stressful, or just weird, for most newlyweds. The hardest part: Where to spend it?

My parents grew up in the same city, and my sister and her husband are both from Maryland. Spending the holidays with both families used to be as easy as hopping in the car and driving from breakfast with one family to dinner with the other.

Most of my dating/married friends nowadays are like Lu and me. They grew up in different states than their partners. The holidays become more of a negotiation that generally falls along these lines:

1) "My family's closer, so let's just spend every Thanksgiving with them. Then we'll spend every Christmas with yours."

2) "We'll spend Thanksgiving with your family and Christmas with mine. Then next year, we'll switch."

3) "I love you, but I'd rather spend the holidays with my own family. See you on New Year's Eve!"

4) "Let's just go on a vacation, then we don't have to pick at all...."

The first year we knew each other, the holidays weren't even worth bringing up. By the end of the second year, we were dating pretty seriously. We ended up spending Thanksgiving and Christmas with our own families -- but videochatting with each other during the day, and we headed back to Ann Arbor to spend New Year's Eve together.

Last year, we spent Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with Lu's family. We decided that would be our standard. Thanksgiving at my house, and Christmas at Lu's house. It was actually a pretty easy decision:

-- My family's closer to Michigan, so we usually end up driving to Maryland for long weekends a few times a year. Two full weeks with Lu's family over our two-week break balances out the 3-4 long weekends spent with mine.

-- Thanksgiving is more of a big deal at my house with lots of extended family sharing dinner at alternating relatives' homes.

-- Christmas is a big deal for Lu's family with his parents hosting dinner for 50+ family members each year.

This year, we've flipped it because Lu's parents are having a second reception for us over Thanksgiving, and my parents are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary on Christmas Eve. (Yes, the big 5-0! Amazing!!) However, next year, we'll be back to our routine.

Right now, this works for us. Although I'm sure that there will be some adjustments once we have babies involved.... Good thing we've got some time before we have to worry about that!

All images courtesy of Martin Studio Photography and video by 3 Blind Mice Productions.

After dinner, came the toasts by Lu's best men (his childhood best friend and his college roommate) and my maid and matron of honors (my sisters). I LOVED their toasts! They were the right mix of sentimental and funny, and they each reflected the toaster's personality. Lu and I both felt truly blessed:



Then it was time to party! Well, almost -- starting with the cake-cutting (which was delicious), our toasts (totally didn't think about that, my apologies for the rambling), the garter belt removal (loved Lu's apology to my dad after), bouquet toss (from the balcony -- pretty cool), garter belt hot potato (a unique idea I got from a friend at our crafternoon last month), a special dance with our parents (both married for decades), and then it was time to really get down.









I really liked that pretty much everyone at our reception danced. Lu wanted a live band, but we just couldn't stretch our budget that far. Besides, the Atrium package came with a DJ.


To get people up and moving, we asked him to start with the cheesy songs that everyone knows and enjoys dancing to even if they won't admit it. Soooo, the first song played at our wedding reception was the Electric Slide, followed by the Booty Call, and the Cupid Shuffle. This is when the videographer left, but you'll see that the dance floor was packed! When the DJ switched to more modern music, everyone was already up and stayed that way -- we even had a soul train line.








Overall, our reception was a ton of fun: our candy bar was delicious (and devoured), my second dress was a hit, and we left with just enough time to get back to the hotel room, guzzle a 5-hour energy, and head out to our after party! That's right... the wedding day recap continues!

All images courtesy of Martin Studio Photography and video by 3 Blind Mice Productions.

To continue my video/photo recap of our wedding day, here's what happened after our ceremony.

As a wedding guest (and having not been in a wedding since I was 6 years old), this is always the weird part of the day. You know that the couple is taking pictures and having some one-on-one time, but some people pop up to the reception in 30 minutes while others take two hours!

We had a cocktail hour planned for our guests, but I was adamant that we not take a ton of pictures. I'm not a fan of really posed stuff anyway, so we just took the basics in the church: bridesmaids, groomsmen, family in various combinations in the church. (Note: My FAVORITE part of the video clip below is 1:44-1:47. Love it!)



After the formal pictures, we had some fun! The church had a playground in the back, so Lu and I played around there with the rest of our bridal party joining us.






Ms. L spotted this weird piece of equipment -- not sure how you're supposed to play with it, but we got a really cool picture of our whole bridal party! We also took some pictures in our vintage car before heading over to the reception.







Once we were there, Gary -- the amazing hospitality director at the Atrium at Treetops -- shuttled us upstairs, where he had a plate of appetizers ready for us. We took a few minutes to bask in the after-ceremony glow before getting ready for our glass elevator entrance.

We wanted to break up the formal parts of the reception a bit, so we came in and did our first dance right away then danced with our parents before settling down to a delicious dinner.






Tomorrow's post will be on the after-dinner fun stuff -- toasts, cake-cutting, bouquet toss, garter belt hot potato, and of course dancing!

All images courtesy of Martin Studio Photography and video by 3 Blind Mice Productions.

It's officially been a month -- practically to the hour -- since Lu and I made our marriage covenant. Here's a video of the ceremony:



The first month of marriage has been fun! Romantic, humbling, a bit crazy at times... but what an amazing start to our journey. We each decided to share our top 5 lessons learned. We're sure there will be many, many more to come.

Val's Top 5

5) We have more in common than we thought, but Lu is definitely a guy.

We've bonded over learning to purposely cook lumpy cream of wheat (don't stir) and debating about the "best" Jelly Belly flavor -- fun, little quirks. However, some things I was not expecting from my sophisticated, intelligent, neat husband: he laughs when he passes gas loudly, loves "man" movies (Superbad, really?), and leaves the door open while doing #1 because it would be "rude" to interrupt our conversation. Hmmm, gotta love him.

4) It's easy to slip into "newlywed 15" habits.

Skipping the gym to cuddle for an extra hour, baking cookies and cobblers to make Lu smile, eating dinner at 9 pm, and don't get me started on the tapeworm in Lu's stomach! Eating every two hours may not affect him, but I've started to watch my waistline. So far, so good.

3) You CAN blend two styles -- and two closets -- into one condo.

Our place looks GREAT! Besides the decorating and rearranging, we've scoured home stores for creative storage idea. Everything (almost) has it's own bin, drawer, under-the-bed box, or basket.

2) Going to bed angry is pointless.

When you're not married, you can argue and not talk for a few days, or maybe even just break it off all together. When you're in it for the long-haul, it's not so easy to cut off someone who shares your bed, shower, office, and last name. Communication truly is key. We laughed when our counselors warned us about the "Why can't he/she read my mind?!" problem. It's real.

1) It's amazing knowing that I really have a BFF.

Best friends forever -- one month down, an eternity to go.

Lu's Top 5

5) Celibacy is worth it.

Married sex is amazing (it's a mind, body, spirit trifecta). There's no guilt, shame, or tarnished white robes (lol). Best of all married people openly talk about it -- especially church members! Every book on marriage that we have has at least one chapter devoted to sex, and one book is all about sex completely. Communication is important, but sex is right up there. In fact it's a perfect gauge of how well you communicate.

4) Selflessness is HARD!

You won't realize just how selfish you are until you get married. Praying together helps keep us on the same accord, but it's an adjustment to realize that nothing is about me anymore. It's all about us. Simply stated "I" no longer exist in vocabulary, whereas "us" and "we" get promoted to pronoun status.

3) You will spend more time in Bed, Bath, and Beyond than you ever have in your life.

At first, it was annoying when Val dragged me into Bed Bath and Beyond. Now I find myself looking at specs on humidifiers and researching vacuum cleaners. Don't sleep on the Shark. Yeah, it's purple; but it picks up everything.

2) A happy marriage = A happy wife

I could give you a mathematical proof for this, but it's best learned through experimental observation.

1) Marriage isn't an added responsibility. It's a lifestyle change.

Everything you do, or don't do for that matter, in some way, shape, form or fashion affects your wife and home. There's no clock to punch on this one. You're on call 24-7. No better yet you work the morning, day, night, and graveyard shifts...no holidays, paid leave, or sick leave. You work HR, accounting, marketing, and maintenance. And don't even think about a raise...in fact, it's like putting "return to sender" on your paychecks. Which leads me to best thing about marriage: the benefits. Yeah, you pour out a lot of yourself; but so does she. Why be selfish when there's someone who's willing to be selfless on your behalf? Marriage is like a marathon with no real end; stop focusing on the checkpoints, and enjoy the run.

All images courtesy of Martin Studio Photography and video by 3 Blind Mice Productions.

After my crazy wedding morning, my sister and I pulled up to the church at 2:15 pm to find... my parents. No bridesmaids, no groomsmen, no hostesses, no coordinators, no makeup artist.

Normally, this would have made me a bit nervous. However, given the morning that I'd had, I didn't even care! I was just happy that I was there myself.

When I walked into the sanctuary, my nerves calmed even more. There was a funeral at the church that morning, so I knew that we might be cutting it close with the decorations. However, everything was beautiful!


After walking around and checking everything out, my bridesmaids started to arrive, then one of my hostesses showed up, and then my make-up artist/Ann Arbor big sister arrived -- soon the church was bustling with activity.

With about an hour until the ceremony, we had to get moving. The first step for me was make-up, and then my sisters, mom, and bridesmaids helped me get dressed:






Then my bridesmaids did their make-up and touching up:





Finally Lu called, and we said a prayer together over the phone:


Confession: I actually saw Lu before the ceremony. The door to the bridal lounge kept opening and closing as parents, coordinators, aunts, bridesmaids, etc. went in and out. He says that he didn't see me, but I could've sworn that we made eye contact for a millisecond. At that point we locked the door, and strictly limited who could come in/leave out.

Before I knew it, the coordinators were calling everyone out to line up. I hurried my make-up artist out of the door, so she wouldn't miss the entrance.

Then I was alone, such a surreal moment to go from a flurry of activity to silence. It's so weird to know that your wedding -- what you've prayed for, painstakingly planned, and dreamed about is going on in the next room. I took a few deep breaths, did some reflection, got teary-eyed, stopped reflecting, got bored, started pacing, heard a knock on the door, got ready to walk out, but it still wasn't time for me to go. Then I debated on making one last trip to the restroom, decided against it, and then the real knock came....

While I was doing my dressing/praying/breathing/pacing/reflecting, this is what was going on outside the bridal lounge:



Video also found at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEd2MMaWS7A.

Ahh, my wedding day... over four weeks ago?! Wow. It's definitely time to give you a play-by-play update about the big day.

We've got photos, videos, and lots of exciting stuff to share; but for this post, let's stick to the morning of the wedding.

The most important lesson: Anything and everything can happen on your wedding day. Try to schedule as little as possible because there are some things that you just can't plan for... at all!

I woke up in our soon-to-be honeymoon suite at 7:00 am, after getting about 4 hours of sleep. Actually, I woke up at about 6:30 completely full of energy. My hair appointment wasn't until 10:00 pm, and I wasn't scheduled to meet my sister until 9:30. I stayed in bed willing myself to go back to sleep, but I gave up.

Ms. L and Ms. N (who slept over along with Ms. M, Ms. P, and Ms. S) had to get going at 8:00 am, so I figured I'd slip in the shower and get ready before they woke up.

This is when things started going downhill.

I ended up dropping my retainer down the hotel sink. I've had these retainers for over a decade with no incident, so this was the last thing I expected. I called in the maintenance man, who had to take apart the sink to rescue my retainers.

By this point everyone was awake, and Ms. N and Ms. L were actually running late. Since I had over an hour to spare, I volunteered to take Ms. N to her hair appointment. I'd come back, eat the fruit and yogurt I'd put in the refrigerator, then go to meet my sister.

However, after driving for about a minute, my check engine light came on. I'd gotten an oil change and my car checked right before I left Michigan, and there were no problems. In fact, the one and only time my check engine light had come on in the past, I drove about two miles before my car ended up sputtering to a stop at a service station.

Sooo... I freaked out, but Ms. N was able to keep me (mostly) calm and helped guide me to a metro station. I dropped her off, and she left assuring me that everything would be okay with my car and her hair appointment. Love that girl!

Then I headed to the Atrium -- Lu and I had planned to leave the reception in my car -- to meet my sister. I told her about my car, and after some debate, we agreed to leave the car there. At this point I also ran into Johann who was setting up everything beautifully for that night... more on that in upcoming posts!

My sister and I headed to my hair appointment, and the beautician told us that she'd be done in an hour. Knowing my deceptively thick and difficult hair, I told my sister to expect it to take at least two hours. The style ended up taking nearly three hours to do -- my hand-molded waves were gorgeous! Ms. S forbade me from saying "finger waves"... even though that's what they are. :-)

With over three hours until the ceremony, my sister and I debated about what to do. We ended up grabbing fast food, and then calling local mechanics. She wanted me to wait until the next day to deal with my car, but I was worried about service stations being open on a Sunday. Besides, I was determined that Lu and I would fully enjoy our honeymoon.

Sure enough, most places were closed the next day; and the one place that was open couldn't promise that it'd be able to get parts if something major was wrong. So we headed back to the Atrium, picked up my car, and dropped it off at the mechanic. Yes, two hours before my wedding ceremony, I was at a mechanic.

Had I planned that? Not at all!... Just like I hadn't planned having my hotel sink taken apart, a three-hour hair appointment, or skipping breakfast and scarfing down Bojangles for lunch. But I'd left enough spare time in my schedule for unexpected emergencies, so I was surprisingly calm.

Besides, with my car as taken care of as possible, I had more important things to worry about... like getting married!

Last weekend, I went to a conference on Teaching and Mentoring in Tampa. While I enjoyed the sessions and reflecting upon my own trajectory in life, I really missed Lu. The conference was the first time that we’d been apart overnight since we’ve been married. I literally tossed and turned without him.

Nonetheless, my connection to Lu and responsibility to my husband presented itself in a very odd way.

At the conference, I had a roommate. Since I woke up earlier than her on the first day, I decided to lay out my clothes to make it easier to get dressed and ready without disturbing her the next morning.

While I was getting things together, there was a knock at the door. It was one of her friends, who was supposed to meet her before they went out for the night. Since my roommate wasn't there, I invited her to come in and wait.

We chatted about where we were from, what we studied, and what we were doing that night. I mentioned that I was going to videochat with Lu and go to bed, which led to a conversation about the wedding and married life.  She began telling me about the guy that she was dating pretty seriously, and as I listened, I went back to laying out my dress, my blazer, and then I put my bra and panties on top of the pile.

She glanced over and joked, “Victoria’s Secret? 5 for $25? Got those, too!”

I laughed and said that I only wear these panties to conferences now because Lu hates the pattern. He actually calls them my “wallpaper panties.”

She made a face, did the stereotypical eye/neck roll combo, and in that fake-joking-but-semi-catty tone that some women can get, she said, “Wow. You’ve been married for two weeks, and he’s already telling you what kind of underwear to wear?! I dare any man to tell me what I put on my body! I love my boyfriend and all, but yeah right!“

At first I didn't know what to say and didn't feel like getting into some debate about the choices I make about my unmentionables, so I just laughed.

Then after a few seconds, I said, “You know, marriage is about putting your spouse first. If he gets sick, I’d nurse him back to health. If he can't find a job, I’d support the family. If he needed a kidney, then I’d be on that operating table without thinking twice! So quite frankly, I feel blessed that the only ‘sacrifice’ I’ve had to make is reserving my wallpaper panties for conferences.”

When I finished, her mouth literally dropped open, then she cleared her throat and simply said, "Wow. I never thought of it like that. I mean, the big things you mentioned, I'd do those for my boyfriend; but it's the little things that matter just as much."

I replied, "Yeah, they really do. It's easy to brush them off as insignificant; but when you're sharing your life with someone, everything you do -- and don't do -- matters."

Honestly, I was pretty proud of my mini-soapbox. I never, EVER think of comebacks that quickly... unless they’re the really mean ones that I can’t actually say. However, through being engaged and planning a wedding, I’ve realized that people will always give you their two-cents – whether or not you want it, whether or not its useful, and whether or not they even understand your situation!

In fact, the next night, I went out with Mrs. R, who lives in Orlando, and we talked about life and about the wedding. Even though I'd chosen Mrs. R as a bridesmaid, she actually didn't attend the wedding at all. Her husband recently joined the military, and the wedding fell on his first free weekend after bootcamp, graduation (where she could barely touch him after not seeing him for nearly six weeks), and starting his follow-up training in a different state.

Caught between spending time with her husband after being apart for over two months and my wedding, Mrs. R called me in early-September with a "plan": get off work in Florida on Thursday night, drive to Mississippi to see her husband on Friday morning, fly to Maryland on Saturday morning for the wedding, fly back to Mississippi on Saturday evening, and drive back to Florida on Monday morning just in time to teach class at 8 am.

I vetoed the plan and told her to stay with her husband. I told her that she needed to be with him, that I'd fill her in when I came to the conference, and that hopefully she could use the bridesmaid dress for a holiday party. Mrs. R broke down in tears because that's how she also felt, but she thought that I'd be upset if she pulled out of the wedding six weeks before it happened. We had a great discussion about how hard it is to put your husband above your friends, especially when you want to be there for both, and how glad she was that I understood her predicament.

Fast-forward a few months to us catching up over dinner in Florida. When we went back to the hotel, we ran into a friend of mine, Ms. E., from school in the hotel lobby. We invited her to the room with us, and we ended up having one of the best conversations about love and marriage that I've ever had. All of us have been blessed to have strong, Christian men in our lives -- Mrs. R's been married for over two years, Ms. E's been dating her boyfriend with purpose for over two years, and I've been married to Lu for three weeks.

However, striving to fit God's plan and purpose doesn't always work well with what the world says: missing a friend's wedding to spend a weekend with your husband, seriously considering marriage to a man who you've only had a long-distance relationship with, and letting your husband's preferences dictate your choice in panties.

We shared our relationship stories. We talked about how God was working with us on some common issues: patience, prayer, and following His path even if it involved some detours that we never thought we'd take. We also talked about some of the frustrations we felt about having so few like-minded people to talk to who were in a similar place in their lives -- balancing being a strong, Black woman and a submissive wife (or serious girlfriend who is preparing her heart and mind for marriage). We traded book titles and bible verses, shared laughter and moments of reflection, and I think we all took away something from those few hours we spent together.

That night reaffirmed me, especially after my conversation the previous evening.  Standing up for my relationship and my decisions doesn’t have to come from a place of anger or rudeness. It’s about knowing the foundations of a healthy marriage and not being embarrassed about sticking to them.

Even if it doesn’t fit the mold of what a “strong, independent, Black woman” is supposed to be, I’m not worried about what other people think of me. I don’t need to impress anyone. I just have to please myself and serve my husband…. Yes, I said serve my husband, and I’m not ashamed of that. We’re in this together forever – wallpaper panties and all.

Today, I have unsubscribed from the following websites:

www.theknot.com
www.getmarried.com
www.davidsbridal.com
www.weddingwire.com
www. jcrew.com (where the bridesmaids got their dresses)

I also opted not to renew my subscription to Horse Illustrated -- still no idea of where that came from!

Aahhh, freedom!... Well, except for the fact that The Knot signed my up for The Nest, who will probably automatically sign me up for the The Bump in about a year-ish. Wedding, home, baby -- will it ever end?!

The one subscription that I will maintain, at least through Christmas, is my rewards membership at Things Remembered. I really love giving and receiving personalized gifts, and they have some great specials.

Between Things Remembered and Red Envelope, I'm sure that everyone who is important in my life has something with their name on it!

Note: Still waiting on the official wedding pictures. I'll continue my recap with the rehearsal dinner/rehearsal tomorrow.

On Saturday, I was truly blessed by a conference I attended at church called "Women In God Soar" (or WINGS -- gotta love acronyms). Sponsored by the United Sisters, this conference was just what I needed as I enter this transition period in my life emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually.

I left feeling empowered by not only the messages I received but by the overall spirit of being surrounded by a group of dynamic, Christian women. I was particularly touched by the two groups sessions that I attended: "Building Strong and Healthy Christian Marriages" and "Women in God Sore: Learning to Deal with People Who Have Failed You."

Oh, yeah. Deep topics.

Part of me wishes that I'd recorded these sessions, so that I could transcribe the conversations that occurred, however words alone could not capture the mood of the room and the safe space that encouraged women to open up about some very private issues. (Another reason why I won't transcribe them, I respect the confidentiality of everything that was shared.)

Nonetheless, to give you an overview of each:

Building Strong and Healthy Christian Marriages

This was so on time. With one week of marriage under my belt, I can already tell you that it's work!

Lu and I are still riding the wave of lovey-dovey newlywed bliss, but this marriage thing isn't exactly natural. All of the things that we learned in counseling gave us a great base to work from, but some lessons you learn (or have to recall) on the fly. For example, Ms. L invited me to hang out for a few hours after the conference. Lu wanted to cook dinner together and I wanted to go to bed early (sinus infection -- blah), so we had to talk about timing. Not a big deal, but not exactly, "Hey, I'm going to hang out with Les. I'll call you when I'm free. Love you!"

But I digress. Taken from 1 Thessalonians 5: 11-18, Dr. Kris Andrews led a lecture and discussion that talked about the importance of prayer, practice, and praise for building a healthy marriage.

• Prayer: Of course, there's the phrase that the family that prays together stays together, but what do you pray about? Dr. Andrews suggests that you pray for -- well, a bunch of things, includng: a spirit of love, humility, and forgiveness; effective communication; wisdom; and a servant's heart to not only your husband but also to God. In addition, she also suggested that one pray before making love. It sounds a bit strange, but sex truly is a gift from God. In these busy times for both of us, praying for freedom from worry and stress and praying for passion, eagerness, and no inhibitions seem like they'll come in handy. At least in the future, between being newlyweds and ending celibacy, we're pretty good on the love-making aspect of marriage right now!

• Practice: Like I said, marriage doesn't always come naturally. Humans tend to be selfish (especially only children and youngest children -- just sayin'), and to learn to put someone else's needs above your own takes active practice. Dr. Andrews suggested that we practice peacemaking, patience, and forgiveness. Remember that verse in I Corinthians 13? Love keeps no record of wrongs? Yep, forgive and forget. After all, you're stuck with this person for life.

• Praise: It's important to praise God, but also to praise your partner. As an exercise, we created a list of things that we could praise our partner about, even in times  when our partner doesn't exactly seem the most praise-worthy. From taking out the trash to having a great sense of humor, our partners want to feel appreciated and worthy. If not, they'll start looking to places outside of the home to build their self-esteem. Not just in an adulterous way, but your partner may spend more time at work, in the ministry, volunteering, or some other affirming activity. These are things that may seem "good" but not when they take away from spending time at home.

Women in God Sore: Learning to Deal with People Who Have Failed You

This was a session about forgiveness -- one of my admittedly weaker areas. Led by Dr. Carol Burrell-Jackson, we walked through definitions of failure, examples of failure in the Bible, a powerful exercise about the complications of holding on to failure, and even some benefits of failure.

Then we talked about the five steps in the process of forgiveness:

1) Know what happened.
2) Confront what happened. If this isn't possible for safety or other reasons, then writing a letter about what happened and getting your feelings out can be helpful for cleansing.
3) Forgive. (This is a hard one.)
4) Move on with a spirit of love in your heart. (This is an even harder one!)
5) Be willing to trust again.

This session particularly touched me because I've dealt with some pretty big failures in my life, as has everyone. Forgiveness is something that truly is a process. I have a habit of putting things out of sight, out of mind -- not truly working through the issue but just escaping it and blocking it out. Instead of solving anything, this actually leads to repetition of the behavior.

For example, in high school and through college, I was in a series of abusive relationships -- verbally, emotionally, and physically. Yep, I've been through it, and it's affected me.

Wow, you don't know how hard it was to type those two sentences. Everyone always thinks of me as the person whose got it together, who has everything under control, and who succeeds -- seemingly pretty effortlessly -- at whatever I do. Smart. Nice. Pretty. Dependable. Unfailable.

Admitting this flaw, or this failure to myself, was extremely hard.

I could go into an in-depth self-analysis of why I found myself in these relationships that were harmful to me and poisonous to my ability to grow and flourish. However, I think a large part of it was that I was always the "superwoman." I'd meet a guy who was initially a good guy, then something would happen and the abusive pattern would start. Sometimes, I'd think it was my "fault." If I hadn't expressed my frustration in a certain way, or if I'd been able to read his mind about what/when he wanted time, space, sex, etc. then things would improve.

Then when the behavior didn't change, I'd switch to the mode of saving whatever guy I was dating. By this time, we'd been seeing each other long enough for me to realize that he'd grown up in an abusive family, or that he was overwhelmed with stress, or something that otherwise "excused" his behavior toward me. I couldn't leave him. What kind of person would I be to leave someone who needed my help?

Ultimately, I'd realize that the relationship was causing undue pain to me. The physical and verbal abuse, of course, are the easiest to handle and to leave. Someone crosses a very clear line and you know what you're dealing with.

However, emotional and mental abuse are always a bit tricky. People tend to control your time, be possessive of your behavior, and define your worth. It can be deceptively innocent at the beginning -- even flattering. Someone wants to spend all their time with you, call you to check up on you, and constantly compliment everything you do. Then it changes -- in both directions. I've dealt with the possessive, smothering type of man and the distant guy who'd "punish" me by denying me his time and/or affection when I'd done something that displeased him.

It becomes almost a game: Let's figure out how to make him happy. Which buttons should I never push? I tend to find a lot of my other "smart" friends have fallen into this trap. It's not abuse. It's just a puzzle to be figured out. Nonetheless, when you find yourself questioning your own value or attempting to live up to some impossible standard, that's when a line has certainly been crossed.

Even worse is the process of admitting it.

Dr. Susan Weitzman wrote a book entitled, Not to People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages that tackles these very feelings of denial, shame, and unworthiness that occurs in these relationships. I think this problem is particularly prevalent in the black community when women are so focused on finding the "elusive, good, black man" and the community is so intent on protecting the few shining examples that exist that women are often re-victimized in the process of trying to free themselves. (Clarence Thomas and Anita Hill, anyone?)

In my experience, it just goes to show you how everything comes full circle. Before we met, Lu and I lived parallel lives for several years -- in Atlanta and at Michigan. We had several friends in common, and even frequented the same coffee shops. We could have met four years before we did.

However, God knew that we both were working on some things individually before we could come together. If I hadn't learned to forgive, I would never have been able to learn to trust again. I learned the hard way that you can't skip steps in the process of forgiveness.

Both of us are still a work in progress individually and together; but with Lu, I know that I can soar.