It's happened to another one of my married friends. After a long discussion, Mrs. R's husband packed up his stuff, headed to another state, and got his own apartment. While he moved away from their house, their dog, and their life as they knew it; she turned to her mother and friends for support and comfort. There was stress and tears on both sides, but they know that it's for the best.... After all, she'll be joining him in about a year.

Okay, so maybe they aren't exactly "separated" in the traditional sense of the word. He got his dream job, and she hasn't found an opportunity in that area yet. Instead of leaving her current teaching position a month before school starts, she's going to do her own job search and hopes to find something by next summer.

Living apart for a bit will be stressful and difficult. However, only having one income in an expensive city with few friends and no family has its own set of problems. In their situation, they decided that it just makes more sense to go their separate ways (for now).


They're not the only ones that I know who are "happily separated." Long-distance marriages are becoming more common these days. The proverbial picket fence has expanded across state and country borders between the tough economy, existence of two-income households, ease of transportation, advancements in communication, and the professional culture of several industries.

I have another friend with a baby whose husband is halfway across the world in the military. A co-worker and her husband left their honeymoon and went back to live in different countries. My "buddy" at the consultant firm where I will be applying in the fall spends half the week away from home, while her husband takes care of their toddler. In fact, I just met a newlywed who will be doing a post-doc in Michigan while her husband is in school 500+ miles away.

I'm torn about the situation. Lu and I were apart for four months while we were dating. We texted and emailed all day, video-chatted every night, cuddled with our namesakes -- created at Build-a-Bear -- when we went to sleep, and managed to see each other about every three weeks. We did what we could to make the best of the situation, but there were some things that we missed: cooking together, lazy Saturdays, goodnight kisses, etc. In addition, our lives were disconnected. He didn't know all of the people that I was meeting at work. I wasn't there when he hung out with labmates and friends.

We were still together, but we were building separate lives. This was hard enough to handle while we were dating, but it's a huge "no-no" when it comes to married life. Once you take those vows, you're together. You are one. Period.

However, does this mean that one spouse should totally uproot their comfortable life while the other pursues a short-term opportunity? Conversely, should the spouse with the opportunity turn down a chance to go after his or her passion? What effect will the resulting anger, resentment, financial hardships, etc. have on the quality of married life?

When I finish my degree, my goal is to get an administrative job at the university where I am currently a student. (Whew! Yes, I just put my goal out there.) With that said, I'll still be pursuing other local opportunities that fit with my skills and interests. I'm not even thinking about going after jobs that will put distance between Lu and me. Buuutt that doesn't mean that the perfect, out-of-state, career opportunity won't land in my lap. Nor does it mean that I wouldn't take said opportunity if that's the best option available.

I think the answer lies in open communication and dedication to the relationship. A marriage can fall apart with two people living under the same roof and sharing a bed every night. Long-distance marriages are tough. Even when you make the best of the situation, they're not fun. They're not romantic. They're not what most people dream of when they say "I do."

However, they can work. If Lu and I agree that a short-term opportunity is good for the betterment of our future, then it's at least worth a shot.

I'm a quote-collector. I'm big on pithy, powerful messages that make me feel good about myself, my endeavors, my place in the universe, etc. Lu and I start most of our mornings with a daily inspirational quote, and my just because gift has gotten both of us through some tough days!

One quote that I found a few years ago has been particularly meaningful to me: "She wasn't where she had been. She wasn't where she was going... but she was on her way."

I came across this quote while looking for a gift for my mother on one of those websites that sells whimsical, unique items. It stood out to me because I had just finished the requirements for my masters degree, recently met Lu, and was thinking about leaving my Phd program.

I didn't know the author, and I didn't know where it came from. It just spoke to me. I'd come a long way from Calvert County, MD; however, I had no idea where the next stop on my journey would be. Moreover, I didn't even know where my journey was going to take me. I was just "on my way."

Three years later -- with a degree, a marriage, and a few dissertation chapters under my belt -- I find myself on my way again. I had the urge to know who said this quote that spoke to my life at each fork in the road. It turns out that these few lines are just the beginning of a longer message by Jodi Hills, an artist and author:


"She wasn't where she had been. She wasn't where she was going…but she was on her way. And on her way she enjoyed food that wasn't fast, friendships that held, hearts glowing, hearts breaking, smiles that caught tears, paths trudged and alleys skipped. And on her way she no longer looked for the answers, but held close the two things she knew for sure. One, if a day carried strength in the morning, peace in the evening, and a little joy in between, it was a good one…and two, you can live completely without complete understanding. She was on her way."

Wow. How beautiful and real is that?

As I near the end of my graduate school career, I've been thinking a lot about what happens next. I see a lot of friends who can't stand their jobs. On the other hand, there are other people who graduate and don't have jobs at all. Personally, I know that my next position is temporary. It'll be something to keep me in Ann Arbor for a few years while Lu finishes up his PhD.

However, my job will be more than just a source of income. Everything that I do now builds up my expertise and prepares me for the next step. I want to be able to sharpen my current skills, not to mention actually enjoy most of my waking hours. Most importantly, I don't want to put myself in a box where I don't feel comfortable. Sure, people change tracks all the time. However, after two decades in school, I don't want to do something totally irrelevant.

These thoughts have been stressing me out in the last few weeks: Is it too early to start applying for jobs? Which career route should I pursue? How will this affect my dissertation writing? Can I even push myself to work through the last several months of this degree when I don't want a faculty or research position? What if I find a job that I love and never complete the PhD at all? What will that mean for my future?

Although these are all valid concerns, I have no control over God's plans for me. I wanted to go to college in Maryland and ended up in Georgia. I wanted to get a masters degree and now I almost have a PhD. I wanted to go to graduate school somewhere warm, and I'm in Michigan. I wanted to get married in the summer, and I had a gorgeous fall wedding.

Despite all of the things that I've wanted to do, I've ended up much happier going where God has taken me. Like the quote says, I'm learning to live completely without complete understanding.

So, no. I might not be where I'm going, but I'm having an amazing time on the way.

Soooo, I joined Weight Watchers Online. Yes, I'm well aware that this may seem a bit extreme considering that I always returned to my normal weight fairly quickly, but my primary concern was maintenance.

To give you the basics, Weight Watchers assigns point values to foods, and you're allotted a certain number of points each day, plus extra points that you can use at your discretion throughout the week. You can also gain activity points by working out. With the online version, you keep track of everything on your computer or cell phone. You weigh yourself and take your measurements once a week, and that's that.

I knew several friends and family members who used Weight Watchers to lose weight and keep it off, and of course Jennifer Hudson's an amazing example of what it can do. I signed up for 3 months to see what would happen. I set a goal of "losing" eight pounds, which would get rid of the five pounds I'd gained on the honeymoon and put me at the low end of my normal weight spectrum. 
 

Weight Watchers Success Story

 
Nonetheless, I was not impressed. The first week, I lost three pounds... but that usually happens when I get back on my regular schedule after vacation. Over the course of the next 2 months, I lost a total of 5 pounds. That's right -- 3 pounds in the first week, and 2 pounds in the next 8 weeks.

To be fair, I was already at a healthy weight when I started Weight Watchers, even with the extra pounds. I was also doing an "insane" workout program, and I knew that my fat was being replaced with muscle. However, months of recording my food and sweating it out six days a week with barely any movement on the scale was super-disappointing.

As I was beginning to give up, a strange thing happened: I lost another pound and hit my 5% loss milestone... in the midst of end-of-semester parties and beginning-of-summer celebrations. Since when did cake, ice cream, ribs, sangria, and macaroni salad add up to weight loss?! I was definitely motivated to finish the remainder of my contract.

With the end of my three months came my first real challenge: a conference. For me, this meant airport food, schedule changes, continental breakfast buffets, lunches on the go, cookies in the afternoon, cocktail receptions in the evening with appetizers and wine, then a dinner often followed by dessert. Nothing home-cooked, over-sized portions, and a general diet nightmare.

Buuutt, I wasn't on a diet. I was changing my lifestyle, right?? I tracked my food, added in my exercise, and hoped for the best.

Delicious? Yes. Worth 7-8 miles? No.

Weight Watchers has certainly proven it's worth. However, I think I'm going to let my contract expire. I'm at the low end of my normal weight range, and there's not a vacation or holiday in sight for awhile. I'll stick closely to their list of power foods, and I'm definitely keeping my pedometer. I'll probably continue to track my food choices on my own for awhile, and I may even buy their companion book with points values for a sanity check every now and then.

Despite two vacations, a sporadic exercise schedule, several happy hours, a few graduation parties, and some cookouts -- I'm feeling good!