~* Ash *~
Happy New Year!
Ten days into 2011, I'm proud to report that I have been making progress toward my resolution for the year: Stick to my priorities.
Before I go into details, I have to warn you that I have a tendency to be a bit bipolar about my New Year's resolutions. I always try to implement "positive lifestyle changes," which either become part of my routine or totally backfire.
A few years ago, I resolved to eat healthier -- not diet, but just make some changes. Substitute brown rice for white rice. Exchange at least one cup of coffee for water or tea each day. Buy pre-packaged 100 calorie ice cream treats, instead of guessing about serving size (reality check: 1/2 cup of ice cream is practically NOTHING).... I'm still sticking to this resolution, not perfectly, but I'm overall a healthier person.
Last year, I resolved to stop complaining. Ummm, that one didn't work out so well. I have become a more appreciative person, and I do look at the bright side more often. However, I can still tell you about the not-so-bright side in full detail!
I've realized that I need a resolution where I can be proactive and make baby steps. I can't change my mindset overnight, so I need to chart my progress by focusing on achievable goals.
This year, I had to first decide what my priorities were:
1) God: can't do anything without Him
2) Health: only get one body & mind -- gotta keep them healthy
3) Family/Friends: love, support, history, fun, responsibility
4) School: the only reason I'm in the cold, gray state of Michigan
5) Financial Security: Lu and I might make peanuts as grad students, but we try our hardest to save the shells!
Then I had to think about whether my time reflected my priorities. Sadly, it did not.
My schedule was full of time-consuming activities that were not directly related to what I most valued. On one hand, I was spending my time on worthy causes: volunteering, household duties, and checking off administrative items on my to do list. On the other, the things that were important in my mind were constantly getting rescheduled, shuffled around, or squeezed into a 20-minute time slot in my planner.
I was running around all day, but I still felt unaccomplished and unfulfilled. I was stressed out. I was tired. I was even having weird stomach issues, and the doctors couldn't find a medical explanation.
This leads me to my next step in the resolution process: learn to say (and mean) "no."
When someone asks me to do something, I'll dance all around flat-out refusal. I'll say, "I'm not sure if I have the time." Or "I need more details before I can commit to that." Or even, "I have a lot on my plate and don't want to stretch myself too thin."
However, with a little ego-stroking, fast-talking, and outright ignoring of my concerns, I end up saddled in a position where I don't have the time, energy, and/or desire to give 100%. To top it off, I'm the one that ends up feeling guilty if I have to back out... for school, family, or health reasons!
Okay, so I'm venting a bit. The bottom line is that people have disrespected my boundaries, and I've let them. It's time to end that with a firm "no" in 2011.
I don't need to justify why I do or don't want to do something. I'm in charge of my own time. You can run yourself ragged trying to please everyone else, but I've been there, done that, and refuse to go back.
Now that I've written my soapbox, how do I do this tactfully in reality? For starters, I've revamped my schedule. I listed all of the activities that don't fit neatly in the five categories above, and I cut them out. Maybe not forever, but for now.
It was tough getting up the courage to make those phone calls -- the fear of letting other people down, the embarrassment of admitting that I'd overextended myself. Nonetheless, people generally understood where I was coming from. I did have one person try to "compare" her stressors and to do list with mine; but instead of making me feel guilty, it made me realize just how crazy I had been to attempt to juggle everything.
I'm finally at the point where my life is my own, and I feel wonderful. Lu and I pray together every morning, we're getting back in the gym, we're doing relaxing activities, we had a housewarming/game night with about 25 friends last weekend, we're making progress in school, and we have a solid savings plan. I even have two consulting positions for extra income.
The next challenge will be slowly adding other activities back into my life. As good as it feels to make my self #1, I'm still well aware that I'm not the only one. Opportunities will come up, and I'll have to decide if I want to make room for them... on my own terms... with my values first.
Ten days into 2011, I'm proud to report that I have been making progress toward my resolution for the year: Stick to my priorities.
Before I go into details, I have to warn you that I have a tendency to be a bit bipolar about my New Year's resolutions. I always try to implement "positive lifestyle changes," which either become part of my routine or totally backfire.
A few years ago, I resolved to eat healthier -- not diet, but just make some changes. Substitute brown rice for white rice. Exchange at least one cup of coffee for water or tea each day. Buy pre-packaged 100 calorie ice cream treats, instead of guessing about serving size (reality check: 1/2 cup of ice cream is practically NOTHING).... I'm still sticking to this resolution, not perfectly, but I'm overall a healthier person.
Last year, I resolved to stop complaining. Ummm, that one didn't work out so well. I have become a more appreciative person, and I do look at the bright side more often. However, I can still tell you about the not-so-bright side in full detail!
I've realized that I need a resolution where I can be proactive and make baby steps. I can't change my mindset overnight, so I need to chart my progress by focusing on achievable goals.
This year, I had to first decide what my priorities were:
1) God: can't do anything without Him
2) Health: only get one body & mind -- gotta keep them healthy
3) Family/Friends: love, support, history, fun, responsibility
4) School: the only reason I'm in the cold, gray state of Michigan
5) Financial Security: Lu and I might make peanuts as grad students, but we try our hardest to save the shells!
Then I had to think about whether my time reflected my priorities. Sadly, it did not.
My schedule was full of time-consuming activities that were not directly related to what I most valued. On one hand, I was spending my time on worthy causes: volunteering, household duties, and checking off administrative items on my to do list. On the other, the things that were important in my mind were constantly getting rescheduled, shuffled around, or squeezed into a 20-minute time slot in my planner.
I was running around all day, but I still felt unaccomplished and unfulfilled. I was stressed out. I was tired. I was even having weird stomach issues, and the doctors couldn't find a medical explanation.
This leads me to my next step in the resolution process: learn to say (and mean) "no."
When someone asks me to do something, I'll dance all around flat-out refusal. I'll say, "I'm not sure if I have the time." Or "I need more details before I can commit to that." Or even, "I have a lot on my plate and don't want to stretch myself too thin."
However, with a little ego-stroking, fast-talking, and outright ignoring of my concerns, I end up saddled in a position where I don't have the time, energy, and/or desire to give 100%. To top it off, I'm the one that ends up feeling guilty if I have to back out... for school, family, or health reasons!
Okay, so I'm venting a bit. The bottom line is that people have disrespected my boundaries, and I've let them. It's time to end that with a firm "no" in 2011.
I don't need to justify why I do or don't want to do something. I'm in charge of my own time. You can run yourself ragged trying to please everyone else, but I've been there, done that, and refuse to go back.
Now that I've written my soapbox, how do I do this tactfully in reality? For starters, I've revamped my schedule. I listed all of the activities that don't fit neatly in the five categories above, and I cut them out. Maybe not forever, but for now.
It was tough getting up the courage to make those phone calls -- the fear of letting other people down, the embarrassment of admitting that I'd overextended myself. Nonetheless, people generally understood where I was coming from. I did have one person try to "compare" her stressors and to do list with mine; but instead of making me feel guilty, it made me realize just how crazy I had been to attempt to juggle everything.
I'm finally at the point where my life is my own, and I feel wonderful. Lu and I pray together every morning, we're getting back in the gym, we're doing relaxing activities, we had a housewarming/game night with about 25 friends last weekend, we're making progress in school, and we have a solid savings plan. I even have two consulting positions for extra income.
The next challenge will be slowly adding other activities back into my life. As good as it feels to make my self #1, I'm still well aware that I'm not the only one. Opportunities will come up, and I'll have to decide if I want to make room for them... on my own terms... with my values first.
This was great! I can relate to this blog. I always wonder why I feel bad when saying no.
Well said!!! This has been my life!! Why is it so HARD for me to say NO!!! It's just two letters. It was probably my second word I said after "mama". LOL!!! I need to reevaluate my priorities and be more selfish this year. Because it really is okay to be selfish at times. Other people do it with any hesitation. I have so much that I want to do for myself and my family so I have to be selfish with no regrets. Thanks cuz for your words. Confirmation for me!!!
I Love it .. Well said....
I agree with everyone else, great post and very well said. It reminded me of a talk I had with my Pastor last year. I was really stressed out with school and was having major issues with my sister and best friend that were taking a toll on me emotionally. My pastor told me something so simple that really changed my life. He told me to establish boundaries, and not to let people take me to places/emotional states that I do not want to be in. Applying that simple rule has really helped me over the past year, and those situations that were stressing me out, worked themselves out once I established those boundaries.
Best wishes for the new year!
I completely agree about the boundaries! I really had to sit down, think about what my boundaries were, and be determined to stick to them. One exception here or bending a boundary there can really cause so much stress.