Lu and I are in a stage of our marriage that my graduate advisor refers to as "the lean years." Dr. V seems to remember this time of his life with fondness -- a mix of research, writing, love, marriage, and childless freedom.

In practical terms, Lu and I are tired, broke grad students with bright -- albeit uncertain -- futures.

With that said, during one conversation with Dr. V, he highlighted two things Lu and I have now that will soon fade: time and energy. I'd like to add a third resource to that list -- research grants.

Between these three benefits of the lean years. Lu and I have defined a new term: the VaConference. (As a budding scholar, I am now free to make up words that even google hasn't seen before.)

Hiking near Deep Creek

1) Mini-Moon at Deep Creek Lake, MD (October 2010): The day after the wedding, Lu and I loaded up the car with gifts and leftover wedding paraphernalia and headed to an amazing bed and breakfast on Deep Creek Lake in Maryland. Since we were both sick, this was the perfect way to relax and rejuvenate with reading, hiking, sleeping, etc. Then we checked out Frank Lloyd Wright's Fallingwater home and stayed at a ski resort in Pennsylvania before finishing our drive back to Michigan.

2) Official Honeymoon in Costa Rica (February 2011): During Spring Break, Lu and I spent a week exploring Costa Rica. We had an amazing time checking out the beaches, the rainforest, and some city life. Lu tried his hand at boogie boarding, while I lounged and read my Kindle. We visited hot springs, hiked on hanging bridges, and toured a coffee plantation. We slept in, caught up on Grey's Anatomy, ate tons of delicious food, and enjoyed our three magnificent views: the Pacific Ocean in Manuel Antonio, the Arenal Volcano in La Fortuna, and the city of San José from Santa Barbara de Heredia.

"The Bean" in Millenium Park

3) VaConference in Chicago (April 2011): I presented at a conference in Chicago, and Lu brought some homework to do in our hotel room. Although we were only four hours away from school, it was an entirely new world of restaurants, parks, and shopping. We were also able to catch up with friends and family in the area.

4) VaConference in Hawaii (May 2011): I presented at a conference in Hawaii, and Lu brought some work from the lab to do at a Starbucks on the beach -- same general theme as the first conference. However, since this was our first time to Hawaii, we scheduled in a tour of the island, spent the evenings on the beach, and ended our trip with a conference-sponsored luau (told you the VaConference thing wasn't our idea).

Wearing Lu's World Haptics Conference bag

5) VaConference in Istanbul (June 2011): This time, it's Lu's turn to present at a conference. I am currently in the lobby of the Harbiye Military Museum writing this post, while Lu is upstairs listening to presentations. Yesterday, we had lunch with his advisor and their collaborators, then we chatted with a newly-tenured professor and his wife at the welcome reception in the evening. We're going on a cruise of the Bosphorous Strait (also conference-sponsored) tonight, we're taking a cooking class tomorrow, we're touring the Old City on Saturday, and we have a long layover in Amsterdam on the way home.


Sure, Lu and I could be putting this money in savings, but when will we have the time or opportunity to travel like this again? By "travel like this," I'm thinking in terms of the price we're spending (pretty much half the price of a typical trip), the activities we're doing (not all of them are exactly kid-friendly), and the toll it's taking on our bodies (flying in on Sunday and going to work on Monday with jet-lag).

We've also been extremely responsible with our limited funds.  Lu and I planned a cost-effective wedding, and then we combined our bank accounts, updated our life insurance policies, and opened Roth IRAs.  We also built up an emergency fund, which we are currently replenishing because we dipped into it after both of our cars died last month. On a daily basis, we bring our lunches from home, shop the clearance racks, and have a frequent buyer card for every coffee shop in our local area. We're nowhere near the poorhouse; but if we end up there, it's going to be because we traveled the world -- not because we purchased new shoes.

We really want to live our life to the fullest before we have to deal with the responsibility of real jobs, not to mention children. This isn't to say that you can't travel with a career or kids, but the logistics are different and the considerations aren't the same as we have now. Quite frankly, our biggest concern is usually where we should go next and how soon can we get there!

As I look forward to tonight's cruise, I have to admit that Dr. V is right (as usual): the lean years aren't so bad after all.

Lu assembling our "his" and "hers" desks.

Last week, I gave Lu a "honey do" list. Unlike the stereotypical list that never quite gets completed, Lu actually did what I asked:

-- Picked up a few items at the grocery store on his way home.
-- Fixed a drawer in the kitchen.
-- Hung the artwork in the bedroom.

In addition, Lu also walked Maggie, tightened our dining room chairs, and helped me troubleshoot a problem with one of my computer programs. He even suggested that we touch up the paint in our condo and try our hand at putting our own backsplash in the kitchen once we get back for our second vaconference next week. (We're heading to Istanbul in six days! Hawaii pictures are here.) I love this man. 

One picture of us on Waikiki Beach

However, to be honest, I could do all of this myself. Both of us have lived alone. Lu can cook and clean just as well as I can paint and patch nail holes in the wall. In fact, my father taught me how to build picnic tables and reface kitchen cabinets when I was in middle school.

Although we don't always stick to traditional gender roles in our marriage, it's nice to know that I have a man who can do... well, "manly" things. During my days of dating, I clearly remember putting strikes against men like:


I quickly learned that sometimes chisel doesn't mean shizzle.


2) Mr. Toolbox-less: I'd dated this guy off and on for a few years, and he wanted some help decorating his first "real" apartment. After getting a few basics -- picture frames, candles, an interesting coffee table book, a throw for the sofa, and wall art -- we went back to his place to get to work.

When it came to putting up the art, he said, "Aww, man. We forgot to get those 3M pads to hang stuff up."

"We can just do it the old-fashioned way with a hammer and some nails," I said... and was greeted by silence. "Um, if you're worried about holes in the walls, they're really easy to patch. You can even use toothpaste."

"No, it's not that. I just haven't unpacked my toolbox," he said and looked off to the side. "Okay, well. I don't actually own a toolbox."

"Wait, you don't even have a hammer... or a screwdriver?"

"Nah, I didn't think I'd need that stuff."

That stuff?? Who doesn't own a toolbox?! On my first shopping trip for my dorm when I was 17, I got a five-piece, hot pink tool set at Walmart for $7.99!! Side note: Lu owns a power drill. ;)

3) Mr. Soft Hands: A male friend of Mrs. R.'s invited her to church. Always the match-making queen, she suggested that I tag along. I immediately thought he was cute, and at brunch after, I added funny and intelligent to the list. After he walked us to the car, he gave my friend a hug, stuck out his hand, and said that it was great to meet me and he hoped we'd see each other again soon.


When our hands touched, both of us pulled back almost immediately. I exclaimed, "Wow. Your hands are really soft!"

To which he replied, "Yeah, yours are actually kinda rough."

I slightly narrowed my eyes and said, "I do lift weights, wash dishes, and just wash my hands period."

He matched my look and replied, "Well, that's what manicures and paraffin waxes are for."

"Oh, is that what you do to keep your skin so... supple?"

Another match-making fail for Mrs. R.

4) Mr. Hired Help: Again, another great guy with another major flaw. This guy decided that he had worked hard enough in his teenage years and was not going to lift another finger to do anything around the house as soon as he "made it."

Lu's dad showing him how to change our light fixture.

"C'mon. Never?"

"Never.... No cutting the grass, no painting, no tinkering with the car, no nothing."

"So you know how to do all of these things, but you just refuse to?"

"Exactly. I refuse to be a Mr. Fix It."

"What about teaching your kids how to do things? Or building a tree house for them?"

"Nope. My kids will never have to lift a finger. As for me, I'm not even going to plunge a toilet or hang a picture on the wall."

Flashback to Mr. Toolbox-less *shudder*

5) Mr. Lavender Bath Beads: They were his... to use alone... once a week... for aromatherapy... while soaking in his garden tub... and listening to soft music... alone... every Thursday... alone. 'Nuff said.

To be totally clear, I'm not saying that men shouldn't have the occasional manicure or facial, hire people to help around the house, or go to the gym. I just can't deal with the extremes! Lu might not want me divulging this but he loves pedicures and spin class. And you know what? I'm totally fine with that because it's all about balance.

Just as I've seen him doing yoga, I've seen him cutting his grandmother's grass. He's just as comfortable trying a new recipe in the kitchen as he is cutting metal in the machine shop for his lab. Most importantly, even though he wants a big dog, he's content to love Maggie just the way she is.... Although he is a bit rough with her and isn't the biggest fan of her pink leash!

First off, I must apologize for leaving you high and dry these last few months. In fact, I actually have several new posts drafted. However, since I never told you guys about our honeymoon, I didn’t want to just skip to new topics. (Yes, I’m semi-OCD like that.) Then life happened in a big way, and I just got totally off track.

I was inspired to write again when I ran into a friend from church at a conference (she and her husband are such an inspiring couple with two gorgeous and intelligent children). I hadn’t seen her in awhile, and she was asking me about life and marriage. I told her that Lu and I were doing great, and her response was, “Good for you guys! It’s just a walk in the park, huh?”

I immediately and emphatically said, “NO! Not at all.”

After seeing the shocked look on her face, I filled her in on the last few months:

• February: Our honeymoon in Costa Rica was amazing! Instead of going into details, here’s a link to the pics:  http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.565793333817.2068958.35600002&l=7a3cd2bd77

• March: I used this month to complete data collection for my dissertation. I spent dozens of hours interviewing local officials… which was a lot of fun. I also presented at a conference in Chicago. Lu came along, and we had a blast. On a more personal note, we continued to have our monthly game nights with board games and Kinect. We’ve had 50+ people at our most recent parties, so we decided that they were definitely worth continuing.

• April: The month of rejections. April was a crazy-hard month for me, and by default, us as a couple. The short version is that I didn’t have guaranteed funding for the summer or next year, so I applied for fellowships, internships, teaching positions, and research positions. I got rejected from them all. Every. Single. Thing. I was literally getting bad news each day, which was totally different for me. My entire life, I’ve received awards and recognition for being the “best” this and the “top” that. With less than a year of school left, it was like I just fell off the map. On top of the emotional turmoil, there were also the logistical concerns -- mortgage, groceries, utilities, etc. The one thing that I received was a $3500 research grant. Definitely an honor, but I can’t eat with research money!

• Early-May: On top of my joblessness, Lu and I had BOTH of our cars break down – in the same week. His transmission blew; and the day we sold his (for parts), my car started overheating. The repairs on both cars would’ve been over $4000, so we decided to put that money and the money from the sales toward a down payment on a new – to us – car. The problem was that since both of us were on fellowships without traditional paychecks, we weren’t sure if we’d get financed.

RIP: SHonda and Miss Priss II

• Late-May: This is when everything started to turn around. With our great credit scores (woo-hoo) and bargaining skills, we were able to get a 2009 Saturn Vue XR that’s certified through September 2014 for $4000 below the blue book price. A few days later, I was offered an amazing job. Then less than a week after that, I was offered another, even better, position doing exactly what I want to do for my career… and it paid nearly 50% more than the first offer. We also started doing happy hours with our friends who are around for the summer – nothing beats a $1 burger or the best sangria I’ve ever had.

•  June: I’ve been working for a few weeks, and I truly enjoy it. My interviews are transcribed, and I’ve started analysis. I’ve also officially begun submitting dissertation chapters for review. The end is in sight!! In addition, we’re doing a lot of travelling. Last week, Lu and I went to Hawaii for a conference that I had. I’m totally going to do my best to write a real post about that. If not, I’ll at least provide a link to pictures. I have to do this soon because we’ll be going to Istanbul in a few weeks for one of Lu’s conferences. :-)

With all of that said, marriage has most definitely not been a walk in the park. It’s more like a series of long hikes. You have to prepare for them physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. You have to have the right equipment and the right attitude. Once you start, there will be some easy trails, as well as some dangerous cliffs. There will be times when you wonder, “Why the heck did I do this?” or “I’m not sure if I’m going to make it.” But you realize that there’s no turning back; and in fact, during times of rest, you can look around and appreciate just how far you’ve come. Most importantly, the breath-taking view from the summit is almost as awesome as the feeling of accomplishment that you have knowing that God pulled you through… just as He will when you take on the next mountain.

(P.S. - I hope to at least write once a week from now on.... I hope.)