In case the title wasn't clear enough, Lu and I officially became engaged yesterday!! As promised, I will let him blog about all of the details.

In the meantime, here's our video announcement:



...and a few of my favorite pics from the day. The rest can be seen here:






Our "Sweet Story" card.

Wedding Porn (definition courtesy of Meg/Mrs. Dahlia): Magazines, books, and websites devoted to planning weddings. Typically have elaborate photo galleries. Promotes sense of entitlement and creates need for previously unknown commodities, such as chair diapers. Often promoted by the Wedding Industrial Complex -- businesses, such as florists, dress designers, and banquet halls involved in various aspects of weddings that will often charge more because it is for a wedding.


Wednesdays are often a lazy blogging day for me. Starting next week, I've decided to start sharing all of the wedding porn that I've received over the last week. To expand the definition above, I'll also share postcards and mailers that I receive from various companies.


The purpose of this is three-fold:


1) To show you the ridiculous amounts of material that I receive in any given week. There will be some regulars on the list (mostly David's Bridal and The Knot), but I also receive a few to several items each week from random companies.


2) To keep an online record of everything. I don't like to hang on to unnecessary papers or emails, so I trash tons of stuff and make a mental note of the seemingly "good" deals. Unfortunately, those mental notes aren't as reliable as I thought they'd be, so this is a better way to keep track of everything.


3) Sheer entertainment value.


Enjoy!

I’m writing this post on the train back from Chicago where I presented a paper at a major conference in my academic discipline. Lu is back in Michigan studying for final exams. We take our roles as budding scholars seriously and have been blessed to attend a university that’s ranked high in both of our fields… for now. What happens when we finish?

I know that Lu's not going to propose before the end of the semester, but I've been a little on edge lately. We've finished both of our pre-engagement books, started pre-marital counseling, and now it's just a waiting game.

In fact, Lu's already faked me out twice! He claims it's totally innocent, but don't these situations seem a bit suspicious?

1) It was Easter Sunday. We stopped by Lu's place after church because he had to change out of his suit before we went to study. While we were there, my mother calls me and mentions that she just got off the phone with Lu's mom. Our mothers are friendly, but this was the second time that they'd spoken that week -- a little strange, but I guess it was Easter.

As we get ready to leave Lu's apartment, he picks up his camera. Not just his point-and-shoot, but his Nikon D3000 Digital SLR camera. When Lu got this camera, he took about 500 pictures of me the first week, and another few thousand over Christmas and on our Florida/Bahamas vacation. However, Lu never really carries his camera around on just regular occasions. Hmmmmm.

We then stopped by my place to get my books. Every other Sunday, I also change from my church outfit to jeans. Since it was Easter Sunday, I had on an especially nice dress, my hair was styled, my nails were painted, and I was even wearing some make-up. Lu told me that I should keep my outfit on -- including my heels -- because I looked so beautiful. Okay, now this was definitely not shaping up to be a normal Sunday!

Lu then suggested that we celebrate the beautiful day by getting ice cream at Washtenaw Dairy. I'm a huge dessert person, so I never turn down ice cream... especially on a gorgeous spring day. So we settled down with our ice cream (strawberry for Lu and peachy peach for me), and Lu began to talk about how nice it was to be there with me on such a beautiful day and how blessed he is to have me in his life.

Then he stood up, pulled out his camera, and attempted to snap a picture of me.  At this point, my heart started beating a little faster because I think this is it.

However, the camera battery was dead. Lu's obviously disappointed, but he sat back down and kept talking about us and our future. My heartbeat was still elevated, as I attempted to calmly finish my ice cream.

Then as we took the last bites of our cones, he reached for my hand and asked, "Are you ready to go?"

And we studied happily ever after for the rest of the evening....

2) This past Sunday, Lu and I spent six hours at school working.  I was doing some statistical programming for my research job, and my eyes were literally crossing by the time we were ready to leave. I was completely exhausted and just wanted to go home and pass out. As we're driving back from campus, Lu suggested that we get some Chinese food.

I told Lu that I wasn't hungry, but that I would stop for him. We turned around, he got his take-out, and then he hopped back in the car. After we got back to my house, I could barely keep my eyes open. I apologized for being rude and told Lu that I was heading to bed. At this point, I wasn't even thinking about a proposal.

The next morning, Lu told me that he'd saved a fortune cookie for me. All of a sudden, I stopped and realized how familiar the whole situation seemed. He took one look at my face, then laughed and said, "Don't worry. There's not a ring in it. I just know you like fortune cookies."

So two fake-outs in three weeks, and no ring. I know that I originally said that I expected the proposal in May or June, and I still do. It's just exciting to wonder when and how it will actually happen!

(By the way, the fortune said, "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." Really?!)

Lu and I just came from our first pre-marital counseling session, and it was great! We talked with our advisors about our expectations for marriage and the development of our relationship.

Our discussion stemmed from the Great Expectations Survey in Preparing for Marriage that we filled out prior to the session.  The survey itself was pretty exhaustive. It discussed illusions vs. the reality of married life, as well as our views on our marital relationship, finances, home, housekeeping, children and parenting, socializing and entertaining, spiritual life, holidays/vacations/special occasions, parents and other relatives, and sex.


Needless to say, we didn't cover all of those topics. In the hour and a half that we met, we discussed a grand total of two questions:

1) How do you expect to make decisions after you are married?

2) How much time do you expect to spend with each other and with friends after marriage?

From those two questions, we discussed making big and small decisions, communication, how we handle disagreements, negotiating, pride, making our relationship a safe space, spending time together, our relationships with friends and families and how they viewed our relationship, what we observed in our parents' relationships, and our friendship.

We'd been through enough situations to give concrete examples of conflicts that had both positive and negative outcomes. We could also identify different phases in our friendship and dating relationship where we experienced obvious growth as we learned more about each other and about "us."

Listening to Lu and reflecting upon our relationship made me realize just how far we'd come. We have had some ups and downs, minor bumps, and major potholes; however, we keep evolving. What's made the difference for us is that we don't just go for the quick fix and move on. We put time and effort into dissecting the root of our issues. At one point, we even broke up for a month because we each needed to work on things individually before we were able to make progress as a couple.

This process can be frustrating and annoying, but it has enabled us to work through those lingering reservations and excess baggage that we brought into our relationship. We've been able to learn how to effectively communicate with each other to develop a plan for how to move forward. More importantly, we actually follow through and make deliberate steps toward making our relationship stronger.

We aren't naive. We aren't bitter.  We've metaphorically checked our baggage, and I must admit that I was pretty proud of us tonight.

Although the proposal details are up to Lu, I wanted to make sure that I had some input on the ring. I know that some women want the ring to be a surprise, but if I'm going to wear a piece of jewelry every, single day, I want to make sure I absolutely love it.

A ring looks different in a catalog or online than it does in the store, and a ring in a display case looks different than when it's on your hand. Since I hadn't tried on engagement rings before, I wasn't even sure which direction to point Lu in, so we went ring-shopping together. Sure enough, finding the right ring wasn't a simple task.

Lu and I went to five different stores on three different trips before I saw "my" ring.  When I slipped that ring on my finger, I sighed, squealed, and did the thing where I held my hand out and admired it from afar.  From that point on, I didn't want to look at any more rings, and I gushed about that ring on our trip home.  I made sure to leave Lu with no question in mind as to what ring I wanted.

The only "problem" is that the ring that I want is smaller and less expensive than the ring that Lu originally wanted to give me. On our first ring-shopping trip, Lu was immediately drawn to the one-carat-plus solitaires with the several thousand dollar price tags. They were beautiful, but they were big...  way too big for my child-size hands.

To give you an idea of how small my hands are, my ring size is around a 5 1/4. The average woman wears a size 7, which would be loose on my thumb. Most 10-year-olds have hands bigger than mine. Needless to say, when I put on those huge rocks, I looked like I had been playing in my mother's jewelry box.

This was disappointing to Lu because, for better or worse, the proposal and the ring are a direct reflection on the man. The first two questions that people generally ask when they hear about an engagement are:

I'm pretty confident that the ring that I picked out is small enough to look flattering on my hand but has the size and sparkle to feed Lu's pride.... I just hope that he feels the same way.

I mentioned in my last post that we had to watch "Making the Right Choice," by Pastor Jeffrey Johnson of Eastern Star Church in Indiana as part of our pre-pre-marital counseling. The DVD is a recording of a sermon that Pastor Johnson gave on Valentine's Day. We thought that this DVD would be a very "holy" message about seeking God's counsel during this time in our lives and making sure that we are spiritually ready for marriage... how sweet.

WRONG!

This DVD was about sex: great sex, lots of sex, fun sex -- as long as it's sex within the context of marriage. We all know that the Bible says that fornication and adultery are bad, but we rarely talk about the good sex in the Bible. In Proverbs 5: 18-23, King Solomon speaks to his son about fidelity and warns him against becoming involved in an adulterous relationship.  King Solomon's remedy to staying faithful to one woman is to pick someone that you can have extremely satisfying sex with 'til death do you part.

While Pastor Johnson certainly highlights that love is a necessary part of a healthy marriage and cautions against the problems of pre/extra-marital sex, he focuses primarily on nurturing the sexual part of marital intimacy.

To put it simply, having sex with the right person is a good thing... a very good thing. Conversely, having sex with the wrong person leads to all kinds of problems.  Pastor Johnson has also published The Song of Solomon: Love, Sex, and Relationships. I haven't read the book, but I'm assuming that it elaborates on his message in the sermon.

Personally, I really liked the sermon.  People often talk about sex and love in either/or terms. Either you have great sex or a great relationship. It's the whole bad boy vs. nice guy comparison. Women are drawn to the bad boy for sex, even though he treats them horribly in all other ways. However, the nice guy gets stuck in the role of the friend. To put it into the context of marital stereotypes, men cheat on the loving but prude housewife with the curvy, tempting seductress.

It's important to have both in a marriage, and I'm glad that our counselors recognize this. With that being said, discussing this with them will be quite interesting....

When Lu and I first started the pre-engagement period, we were both full of excitement, wonder, and lots of giddiness. The books we read were thoughtful and often started deep conversations about things that we'd never considered, or even things that we'd just assumed we knew about each other. As we begin to move into the point in our relationship where we're confident about engagement and marriage, we've started to get a little cocky. We think we know "everything" that we possibly could without having taken the vows.


Since we're beginning our official pre-marital counseling sessions, we have a whole new set of readings, surveys, and questionnaires. It's comforting to look over the materials because we've discussed a lot of the topics during our pre-engagement reading. On the other hand, we're a little nervous because we'll be counseling with another couple now, as well as the pastor of my home church (who will be officiating the ceremony) later. Will they push us on topics that we think are resolved? Will they see rifts that we didn't even know existed? Will they break our confidence in moving forward?


To give you a bit of background, we're blessed to belong to a great church with lots of examples of what marriage should look like. Contrary to popular belief, we've seen that happy and healthy marriages can exist in the newlywed phase, when you have young children, and even after decades of being with the same person.


In fact, the couple who will be advising us has been married for nearly 42 years, and they're still full of obvious love and affection for each other. This couple has taken us under their wing since we joined the church. They've told us that Jeremy and I remind them of themselves earlier in their relationship, and people have even mistaken me for one of their daughters. They have played a special role in making our church family feel like a real family, and I'm really happy that we are going to grow closer to them as we prepare to enter our marriage.


With that being said, this couple is serious about the pre-marital process. They're not quite on the level of License to Wed, but they have already given us a number of assignments and suggestions, including:


1) Watch a DVD entitled, "Making the Right Choice" by Pastor Jeffrey Johnson.
2) Fill out a background questionnaire about ourselves and our relationship.
3) Purchase Preparing for Marriage by Dennis Rainey and fill out the Personal History Worksheet and Great Expectations survey.
4) Prepare a list of questions to ask them about their relationship.
5) Look into taking financial management classes if we feel that we need them.


.... And this is before our first official session next Tuesday.


We even had to sign a counseling contract. Some of the highlights included honesty and openness with each other and with them (completely doable), a commitment to refrain from physical intimacy (tough but we've been strong so far), and to not set a date or begin wedding planning until they give us their blessing -- which they won't do until they think we're actually ready to take the next step (HARD)!


Lu and I want to be married in October -- yes, October 2010 -- if possible. We're students, so we're working around school breaks. It's either Fall Break in October or next May after the academic year is over, which is a pretty big difference. Neither one of us wants a long engagement (more on that in a later post), and my ESTJ personality wants to begin planning sooner rather than later. I've been restraining myself because we're not technically engaged; but you're telling me that even after the ring is on my finger, I have to wait? And for an undisclosed amount of time?!


To some it may seem odd that I'm more concerned about wedding planning than abstaining from physical intimacy, especially given my post on how wedding planning is intimidating. However, since Christians are supposed to abstain from pre-marital sex, I was expecting that to be a condition of counseling.  No wedding planning was definitely an unexpected curve ball.


To be fair, the reason that we started counseling so early is because Lu's mother really wants us to get counseling before we set a date.  This made sense to me: start counseling, get engaged, continue counseling, pick up some bridal magazines, more counseling, start calling venues and caterers, even more counseling, visit Maryland to look at places and squeeze in a few tastings, finish counseling, and then officially book everything.


The above scenario would have worked for me. Planning a wedding is overwhelming. Planning a wedding in less than six months is particularly challenging.  Planning a wedding in less than six months in another state added the final twist to this triple axel of matrimony... or so I thought. Now I won't even know when we can begin to plan.


*Pause. Take a deep breath.*


I know that everything works in God's timing. If He wants us to be married in October, then things will come together. There's really no point in stressing about anything, especially since I know that this couple has our best interest at heart. After all, the reason I stared this blog was to show that preparing for engagement and marriage is just as important to making a union last as picking out flowers and exchanging vows.


Realistically, what's waiting several more months if it means that we have a greater chance of lasting for several decades?... Or at least that's what I'm telling myself to maintain my sanity.

Before You Get Engaged by Dr. David Gudgel was the first book that Lu and I decided to read. We chose this book for two main reasons: 1) there aren't that many books that discuss preparing for engagement, and 2) it takes a really interesting approach.


Whereas most books on engagement and marriage are from the point of view of a pastor who has been married for 50 years and married off their children 25 years ago, Before You Get Engaged is realistic and down-to-earth.  The main text is written by a pastor in California, and there's also input from his son and his son's girlfriend who were considering engagement at the time. (**Spoiler Alert** They got married. Not really super-surprising, but sorry if I ruined it for you.)


Therefore, the book tackles pre-engagement and finding a life partner from several views: a biblical standpoint, a counselor/pastor sharing his own experiences and interactions with couples over the years, and a couple in their mid-twenties considering engagement. 


Before You Get Engaged is an easy and enjoyable read. Not only do the author(s) have a conversational tone, but it's also divided into "bite-sized parts." This was important because Lu and I wanted to make sure that we could enjoy the book together. By fitting 15 chapters in under 200 pages, each section was only a few to several pages long, which made it great for reading in the car together or during study breaks. 


I don't want to give the book away because it's definitely worth the read, but it has four parts: 1) Are you sure you're ready?; 2) Do you make a good couple?; 3) What do others say?; and 4) Now what should you do?


By the end of the book, we were ready to complete the following pre-engagement checklist:


1) Would you marry you?
Not to toot my own horn, but I'd definitely put a ring on it.


2) Are you all dated out?
YES!!! This question deserves its own future blog post... but as a reformed serial-dater, I'm over it!


3) Are you ready to make a "'til death do you part" commitment?
I couldn't imagine living life without Lu, nor would I want to.


4) Is the timing right?
Lu and I talked about this before we read the book and decided that the "perfect" time for us to get married is when we are 35 with tenure. Since neither of us wants to wait a decade, we talked to friends who got married and grad school, weighed the pros and cons, and decided that now is a pretty good time.


5) Are you genuinely "in love"?
Yep, he still gives me butterflies.


6) Do you communicate effectively?
This question is our only yellow flag. When things are going great, we literally finish each other's sentences. When issues come up, those personality types I discussed earlier tend to take over. We're hoping to talk about this during pre-marital counseling. In the meantime, we're actively practicing ditching the Golden Rule (treat others how you'd want to be treated) for the Platinum Rule: Treat others how they want to be treated. 


7) Are you on the same page?
Sometimes we're even on the same paragraph.


8) Are you spiritually connected?
Definitely, and we're constantly working to maintain and strengthen this connection.


9) Are you better together than you are apart?
Also discussed in a previous post: We complement each other really well.


10) Is your heart at peace?
For the first time in any relationship, I'm truly content.


11) Do you believe this is God's will?
Looking back on how everything played out, only God could have timed it that perfectly.


12) Are your friends and family supportive?
They love him... and so do I.

 I have a secret.... I'm a little scared of my own wedding. Not the vows or the forever part, but the fact that I won't be either a) a girly-girl romantic with no regard for financial constraints or b) a Bridezilla.

Theoretically, it doesn't make sense that I'm worried about being a fairly normal person as I approach my wedding. However, I've realized that the wedding industry doesn't really do well with practicality. If I have deep pockets, outrageous requests, or a "vision" of my big day, then they're equipped to handle anything I can throw at them. If I have a general theme with fairly flexible expectations and a moderate budget that I'm actually determined to stick to, then I'll probably get some weird looks and head scratching.

You're probably wondering where this post is coming from. Why am I so worried about the planning process when I haven't even gotten engaged? Well, I made the mistake of registering for The Knot a few weeks ago.

Originally, this didn't seem like a mistake. The website has lots of really helpful tips and tools to help plan a wedding. You can check items off of your customized to do list, organize your guest list, manage your budget, create a personalized website about your big day, brush up on wedding etiquette, and chat with thousands of other brides-to-be about the questions and concerns you have about the planning process.

The Knot also has about a million articles about and pictures of everything you'd ever want to know related to weddings: bridal gowns, bridesmaids dresses, tuxedos, centerpieces, hairstyles, ceremony decorations, DIY projects, and local vendors. It has provided a wealth of information to make the wedding planning process easier and more organized. I feel confident that I can plan the wedding of my dreams with their help.

Nonetheless, The Knot also has something else that I didn't take into account: sponsors. Not only do I get daily emails from The Knot; but since I've registered, I've been spammed with "sweepstakes" for photography, bachelorette parties, tux rentals, invitations, etc. On top of that, I've realized that if you register for anything, you get linked to an entirely new set of wedding vendors and their advertisements.

In the two weeks since I've registered, I've started getting about five wedding-related emails each day, as well as post cards in the mail congratulating me and inviting me to check out various venues and all things wedding-related.  All of this despite the fact that I clearly indicated on my registration sheet that I wasn't engaged yet!

Again, if I were the girly-girl or Bridezilla, this wouldn't be a big deal. I might even enjoy all of the time, attention, and options that I'll have. All of these people who are willing to make my dreams come true... for a nominal fee.

Let's be real. I studied economics and business in college. I know all about supply and demand and profit motive.  I can barely deal with car salesmen. All that haggling and negotiation stresses me out... and that's when I'm armed with a blue book value, a dozen other dealers with the same make and model for comparison, and the expectation that I'll likely come back in a few to several years for a trade-in.

Most wedding vendors are like car salesmen on meth. Not only does everyone offer a "unique" service, these people really have no loyalty to me. While most real-world companies are based on building a reputation and encouraging customers to return, the wedding business is the opposite. My wedding is their one-shot opportunity to milk me for all I'm worth.

Of course, they'll do it with a smile, but high emotions can send profits through the roof. Even the marketing itself is pretty hilarious and obviously meant to incite emotion. Phrases like "your magical day," "all of this can be yours for only [some overpriced amount]," and -- my personal favorite -- "memories are priceless" are liberally used on every piece of propaganda that I get.

Quite frankly, the wedding industry is not meant to handle logical brides. I know I'll face confusion at best and snobbery at worst.  However, I'm confident that there are a few down-to-earth vendors out there, who truly love what they do and can work with a practical bride on a budget.... I'm just praying that when the time comes to plan, I'll be able to find them.

I came across this video a few years ago, and I still find it absolutely hilarious!... It's extremely cliche, but how many people do you know that are actually living this life? Personally, I can name a dozen, or several. Happy Saturday!

I had a perfect proposal plan in mind for years.


I'd come back home after a long day to find my guy waiting for me with a hot bath drawn and candles surrounding the tub. He'd tell me that he knows I'm tired, so he figured we could relax, watch a movie, and order take-out. I'd be pulling on my favorite sweats just as the Chinese food arrives. We'd watch some romantic comedy, eat our dinner, and then it would be fortune cookie time.


I have a thing for fortune cookies. I keep them posted on my fridge and even have one in my wallet. (In case you're curious, it says, "Your fortune is as sweet as a cookie.")


Back to my dream: When I opened my cookie, I would find a message that said something like, "Your happily ever after begins now," or "The man beside you would love to make you his forever," or even the straightforward, "Will you marry me?"


I'd look over, and he'd be down on one knee. He'd laugh off his own cheesiness, then make a heartfelt speech about why I'm the perfect woman for him. He'd open the ring box, and then the tears, kisses, and shrieks of excitement would start. I would be engaged.


Of course, my idea was so great that Hollywood stole it. Darn you, Anne Hathaway in Bride Wars!





Now that the time is approaching, Lu has been fishing for ideas about what my ideal proposal would be... and I've pretty much drawn a blank. Part of me just wants to him to hurry up and do it. Another part of me has a few, admittedly shallow, "guidelines" for when to propose:

•  My nails should be painted, or at least not bitten down to the quick or severely chipped. Everyone wants to see the ring. They shouldn't be distracted by my inability to maintain a manicure.
•  I'd like my hair straight, or at least not as crazy as it looks when I'm working, studying, or lounging around the house.
• If we're going to take any pictures, then make sure that I'm wearing lipstick, or that I at least have access to some sort of tinted gloss.

Totally vain and ridiculous, I know. So this weekend I told Lu that I didn't care how I looked when he did it because it'd still be memorable. Besides, Lu is a total romantic, so I know he's going to do something great.


Of course, he wasn't satisfied with that answer, so I've put more thought into it. There are the birthday proposals, the ridiculously elaborate but unforgettable proposals (these are a few pictures and a description -- there's also a 10 minute slideshow), the public proposals, the uber-cliche New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day proposals, and the "I've been holding on to this ring for awhile and can't figure out what to do, so here you go" proposals.


Beautiful, sweet, awkwardly adorable -- but none of them are me. So I'm back to something similar to my original idea: take a regular day, add in a special twist at a special place, and I'll be the happiest girl in the world.


What's your dream proposal? If you're already married, how did real life compare to the dream?


Everyone thought this was a proposal picture. Despite the camera angle (and straight hair and lipstick), we're just talking. If he can make me smile like this during a normal conversation, then imagine what the proposal will be like!

I promised myself I wouldn't start blogging every day. That way I don't disappoint myself or my loyal readers -- a dozen strong, lol -- when I skip a day due to lack of time or creativity, but I have to share some great news.

Lu found out that he was awarded a very, very, very prestigious fellowship! (Oh, my fifth grade teacher would shake her head at all those "very"s.)

Not only does this free Lu from teaching, but he'll also have some extra padding in his bank account. As graduate students, time and money are limited commodities. When planning a wedding, having time and money are essential to the process. There's the rub....





Sources of PhD Funding 101

1. Fellowships: Students get money for doing the work they're supposed to do. It's a pretty nice deal.
• Pros 
• Students actually get paid just to go to school. 
• Cons 
• They're the least prevalent type of funding. Most departments and universities have limited fellowships and national awards are known for being competitive. 
• Students won't automatically get the benefits mentioned below, but they can be strategic about finding research and teaching opportunities.
2. Research Assistantships: Students have to do research for a professor or department.
• Pros 
• Students are usually matched on skills and interest, so the research is enjoyable.
• There's the professionalization aspect of networking in the field and staying up-to-date on the latest research.
• Students may even get a co-authored paper out of the deal. 
• Cons
• Some units may not be respectful of the appointment time, and a 20-hour/week appointment could turn into a 9-5 job.
• Students may get so wrapped up in the research that they may -- purposely or not -- abandon their own work.
3. Teaching: Students have to lecture and/or grade at least one section of a larger class.
• Pros 
• They get hands-on experience running a classroom and dealing with students while still in graduate school.
• There are a wealth of resources available to help student instructors hone their teaching style that may not be as readily available in a faculty position.
• Students may be able to teach their own course during the summer, or participate in other activities that are not available to other who do not have training and evaluations.
• Cons
• The class may/may not be related to the students' greater interests.
• Huge time drain, as classroom requirements often exceed the appointment time.
• Teaching for somebody else and working with other student instructors puts some constraints on how a student instructor does his/her job.

I'm an ESTJ, and Lu's an ENFP.  This either sounds like gibberish, or you know where this post is going.

According to H. Norman Wright, the author of 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged, more than half of all engaged couples don't make it to the altar and about half of marriages end in divorce. That means that when a woman accepts a proposal, there's a 75% chance that she will not be spending her life with her fiance. Scary, huh?

This is why Lu and I decided to be strategic about our preparation for marriage spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially. I suppose the pre-engagement period is different for every couple. However, for Lu and I, it started several months ago when we stopped laughing off the question, "So when are you two going to get married?!"

This isn't to say that we hadn't thought about marriage seriously before this point. In fact, shortly into our official relationship, we had a frank discussion of what we expected from the relationship and each other. While our expectations of each other have continued to evolve, what we expected of the relationship remained consistent: We were not dating for fun or [just] because we were physically attracted to each other, we were dating because we believed God brought us together for a greater purpose.

Was this purpose marriage? We didn't know. We just knew that neither of us wanted to start a serious relationship with someone that didn't at least have marriage potential. In fact, after building such a strong friendship over several months, we recognized that we were taking a risk by adding the "boyfriend/girlfriend" title.

Looking back makes me even more convinced that Lu is truly my soul mate and a complement to my life. He sees the big picture, while I focus on the details. He always looks for the silver lining, while I take care of the rain plan. When one of us is down, the other puts their needs aside to lift them up. Even when we cook together, I'm in charge of the seasoning, while he takes care of the chopping! Simply stated: We are better together than we are apart.

There's also an openness and a comfort to our relationship that I've never experienced before. We can talk about everything (except proposal plans, of course). Not only can I be myself around him, but I trust him enough to allow my vulnerabilities to show. For a "modern" woman who prides herself on her independence, that's not easy. However, it's become natural because he's my best friend.

Now that I've elicited some reaction from you (a smile, an "awwww," an eye roll from the bitter folks), how does this relate to pre-engagement? Pre-engagement started at the point where we believed that marriage was in God's plans for our future, and we decided to take a thoughtful approach.

Step 1: We prayed and opened our hearts to hearing from God.

Step 2: Then, like the good PhD students we are, we decided to do some research. We scoured the library (i.e. Amazon) and decided to read Before You Get Engaged by David Gudgel and to work through 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged by H. Norman Wright. We also thought that now would be a good time to do a daily devotional that was specifically geared towards couples, so we picked up the aptly named Devotions for Dating Couples by Samuel Adams and Ben Young.

Step 3: After a few weeks, we started letting our family and friends know about our plans. Although the decision is ultimately between us and God, we decided it would be helpful to talk to those who know us best and couples who have been in our shoes before.

Step 4: Finally, we've started counseling with leaders in our church. Yes, we are doing pre-marital counseling before we are engaged. In our eyes, God knew that we were going to be together before we were even born. If our marriage is meant to be, then putting an engagement ring on my finger is less of a promise and more of a public announcement of what's already been ordained to happen. (Thanks, Pastor Barb!) Before we get swept away in the warm wishes and wedding planning, we want to have a clear vision for our marriage.

Does this take the romance out of our engagement and the fantasy out of our wedding? Not at all. Investing this time up front has made me more excited to have Jeremy as a partner for life. I feel peace and happiness, instead of anxiety or distress.

I'll continue to post about the counseling sessions and the books, and I hope that others will take advantage of resources available to them. Let's be a part of the 25% that make it to forever!